刊登

OK FINALLY, time for some retro/introspection. Whatever.

Friday night: dinner with Drab and Clare.

Clare and I seem to be tinkering with our interests still, somewhat on the slow track, figuring out what to do with our lives. It seems we've both realized our interests, it seems we both like to mooch off our parents. My mom keeps telling me that I'll have to take care of her when she's older, because she's taken care of me for so long. She even tries to scare me by saying she'll move back in with me when I buy a house. It's a shame she doesn't know that home ownership isn't a future goal of mine, and even if I did purchase a house, I would sooner build a cottage in the backyard and have her reside there than to move back in with me. Clare's dressing habits- nothing out of the ordinary, but nothing exaggerated. None of that quirky, attention-getting business. I didn't even notice the skinny jeans- maybe it was just too dark that night.

Drab... a bit giddy to see Clare and me, what with all that disgusting hugging business. He should know better than to hug me- I rarely hug back in response. It ended up being this awkward, one-sided embrace, where he had his arms around me, and my arms were stuck between my chest and his. That was probably my natural reflex to keep Drab from getting even closer to me. That's me, I put up barriers. His eyes are blue as ever, but he had this weird fuzz around his mouth/chin. I'm guessing it's due to not having shaven in the past few days. Where do we find ourselves... both on the research track, in the same subject (neuroscience/development), with new PI's, at the same school in the same city, opposite sides of town, time completely spent in lab. Why did it turn out this way? It could be perceived as me following in his footsteps, which is disgusting for me to think about as it is to write it. Even if we've been living in the same city, it's been months since we last saw each other. And then when the three of us were about to part, Drab wanted to touch hands. Ugh, gross. He chooses to display his affections outwardly; I choose to keep my emotions under control, not spewing it around like an opened soda can that was previously shaken.

Why is it that cheery people gravitate around dark and twisted me? Drab's family wears matching pajamas in their photos while I just don't take any pictures at all of me with my family.

And what about my current bonds? With my PI, with my lab mates. I've found out much more about them in the past 4 months than I have about Drab/Clare in the past 2 years in the same city. Maybe it's because they've lived longer. Maybe it's because I've learned all that there is learn about old friends, but I find the latter hard to believe. It's an odd feeling, similar to a sense of betrayal. Usually I'm the one spouting off about maintaining old, close friendships, but I find myself becoming "attached" to the people in my lab. Even the people in the labs down the hallway in both directions.

Hmm. If Clare had declined the dinner invitation, that would have made it easier to isolate myself even more from Rice people. If Drab had declined Clare's invite to our dinner, it would have been easier to just forget his birthday and not bother thinking up a birthday card or present for him next month. For me, not seeing people for a long time makes me miss them less. It's the meeting them again that's the problem...

HMM, rereading this post that was typed up last night. Doesn't really make sense, but I guess I'll post it anyway. Could have been written/thought-out/planned better.