blinded by the light

I was showering when this memory popped up.

Sophomore year. Spring semester.

What was happening on 4N that night? In any case, it was a party, partying from room to room, including Leisel's. We were drinking and drinking. I had met my limit, but Ray kept on drinking. People could have stopped her; I could have stopped her. But she was getting belligerent to the point where I just ended up telling her, "Fine. Do whatever you want. I don't care anymore." It was Goldschlager. I wish I hadn't let her have one more shot.

Moments later we were at the long end of the same floor, except Ray was propped against the wall, mumbling, while everyone was standing around waiting for her to get better. During her mumble, the one thing I remember her saying was, "I don't want to live anymore." I didn't know what to believe, in her drunken state. EMS finally came after she had thrown up and become unresponsive.

Ray was at the hospital overnight, but was released the next day. She had come up to my room and asked if I wanted to go out to Subway and have lunch with her. Never could understand her fascination with Subway. A bit quirky. I agreed, we walked to the student center, she picked up her sandwich- I had already eaten- and we sat in Sammy's. That was one of the rare instances where I refused to force a smile and pretend things were okay. Even if Ray put on a smile, I didn't believe her. I told her bluntly, "Everyone's really worried about you." She kept insisting that she was fine, and being the person who can't be serious for too long, I continued the conversation on a lighter note with Ray. She was really satisfied with the sandwich; it made sense since she didn't have anything left in her stomach after that night. I think it was the oven roasted chicken breast, footlong, lettuce, tomato, olives, pickles, honey mustard.

Either later that week or the next week, she stormed into my room accusing me of having told the Master's about the things she said that night. She was rambling to me about how the Master's were now concerned for her. She kept asking me if I told them, I repetitively told her no. Lizbean eventually told me later that it was her, but I never went back to Ray to give her the truth- at the moment it was better for their friendship to mend, living in the same room and all.

Certain memories tend to rewind, replay in my head a lot. Defining moments, I guess.