I keep watching all these TV shows, and they seem to be speaking to me.
Speaking to me, telling me to speak to them.
First there was Grey's Anatomy, where Christina Yang asks Owen Hunt not to be angry at her anymore, and they stand there together.
Then there's 30 Rock, where Liz Lemon acknowledges that she needs to be the bigger person after realizing that she is ruining her own relationships with people.
"I let little things ruin stuff." OH Liz Lemon.
Well, even though I'm arriving at this conclusion, it dawns on me that the other party probably isn't thinking at all about what they did wrong, that they're probably just laughing it up somewhere without a care in the world about anything but themselves. Have they learned anything at all???
Then again, they have been making several, but rare, attempts to try to talk to me again. One is still nosing through all my letters, and looking at my computer screen, so that must mean that they care to some extent, right?
In other news, Kaiser has inspired me to fly, first to Houston, then the world! Where should I go? My interests are currently South America, Europe, and Asia, but to where in these continents should I travel?
2.26.2012
2.25.2012
carla
The landlady's mother lives on the top floor of the house in which I rent out one of the rooms.
Last night, I saw my roommate in the bathroom and managed to ask him if the internet to our house had been fixed. Apparently, a few weeks ago, AT&T "accidentally" turned off or disconnected the internet to the house. Fortunately, the landlady looked into the issue and offered to take off $25 from our rent for next month.
Once I asked him, he told me that the password to the new internet service was located upstairs next to Carla's TV. Then, he added in the fact that Carla had passed away Tuesday.
Tuesday?! That would make it 2 days ago that she had died, and I had no idea. All these thoughts ran into my head. "Was her body dead on the top floor?" "Should I have checked if she was okay?" "She has 2 cats- what's to become of them now?"
I remember seeing her last week, or even the day before Tuesday, and she seemed fine except for the graying hair and loss of color. How old was she?
The children came bay last night to have dinner in the house. They also brought large tupperware to pack up all of her belongings. So strange. If anything, I would have bet that my old Japanese roommate Yama would have kicked the bucket while I was living with him. Not Carla. I wonder if she died peacefully in her sleep, or if she were at the hospital when it happened.
Why does it always take death to put things in perspective? It has been over a week since I last talked to the MSTP students in the lab. All over something so trivial. My postdoc told me that I was being too subtle, and that they are just too oblivious to recognize the lesson that I was trying to teach them.
I came into work today, and he was there already, boiling toes or tails for genotyping, yet I just walked past him and continued to sit down at my desk to turn on my computer. Yesterday at lunch, both of them tried to talk to me when people were around, asking about the Shamrock Shake I was drinking at McDonald's. Now I'm wondering if (1) they actually want to talk to me, and the ball is in my court, or (2) whether they were just trying to be pretentious and let everybody seem that things are fine between us, and choose to not talk to me one on one. Is it still them that don't want to talk to me, or am I the one who needs to initiate conversation to make things right again?
I tell myself that I will be ready to talk to them about the situation once I'm done with preparing for lab meeting and taking an exam, but maybe it's all just an excuse to not want to talk to them. I REALLY enjoy the silence in my bay, but it's unnatural and wrong to squash their personalities over my needs.
Last night, I saw my roommate in the bathroom and managed to ask him if the internet to our house had been fixed. Apparently, a few weeks ago, AT&T "accidentally" turned off or disconnected the internet to the house. Fortunately, the landlady looked into the issue and offered to take off $25 from our rent for next month.
Once I asked him, he told me that the password to the new internet service was located upstairs next to Carla's TV. Then, he added in the fact that Carla had passed away Tuesday.
Tuesday?! That would make it 2 days ago that she had died, and I had no idea. All these thoughts ran into my head. "Was her body dead on the top floor?" "Should I have checked if she was okay?" "She has 2 cats- what's to become of them now?"
I remember seeing her last week, or even the day before Tuesday, and she seemed fine except for the graying hair and loss of color. How old was she?
The children came bay last night to have dinner in the house. They also brought large tupperware to pack up all of her belongings. So strange. If anything, I would have bet that my old Japanese roommate Yama would have kicked the bucket while I was living with him. Not Carla. I wonder if she died peacefully in her sleep, or if she were at the hospital when it happened.
Why does it always take death to put things in perspective? It has been over a week since I last talked to the MSTP students in the lab. All over something so trivial. My postdoc told me that I was being too subtle, and that they are just too oblivious to recognize the lesson that I was trying to teach them.
I came into work today, and he was there already, boiling toes or tails for genotyping, yet I just walked past him and continued to sit down at my desk to turn on my computer. Yesterday at lunch, both of them tried to talk to me when people were around, asking about the Shamrock Shake I was drinking at McDonald's. Now I'm wondering if (1) they actually want to talk to me, and the ball is in my court, or (2) whether they were just trying to be pretentious and let everybody seem that things are fine between us, and choose to not talk to me one on one. Is it still them that don't want to talk to me, or am I the one who needs to initiate conversation to make things right again?
I tell myself that I will be ready to talk to them about the situation once I'm done with preparing for lab meeting and taking an exam, but maybe it's all just an excuse to not want to talk to them. I REALLY enjoy the silence in my bay, but it's unnatural and wrong to squash their personalities over my needs.
2.21.2012
montage
Do they not realize how immature they are?
I've already sent out an email to Janey, but I have to wonder what's going on their minds right now. Are they even feeling sorry? Do they even realize what it is that they did wrong?
There are specific things I do in lab, certain things I do as favors to help people with their projects. When you come in and order me around, saying, "Is it finished yet?" I refuse to be pushed around by pompous graduate students. I don't appreciate being taken advantage of, and I certainly am not responsible for ANY part of your project. I'm not here to optimize all of your experiments just because you're too lazy to do it yourself, so stop waiting until somebody else does your job for you.
If I offer you backup stocks from over a year ago, and I advise you to verify the stock by performing a simple restriction enzyme digestion overnight, you do it. Even if you didn't do it that night, you had all day the next day to perform such a simple task, yet you decide instead to go running, leaving lab for over 3 hours in the afternoon before coming in right when you need to perform your experiment, and not being ready for it.
You could have prepared days in advance to check if all the reagents were available. This is something you should be doing for all of your experiments. Leaving in the middle of the day to exercise does not excuse you from being responsible for your own project. You cannot expect all reagents to be there when you come back. You could also be checking before you go to see if anything is missing.
Yelling at a coworker in a public place is inappropriate, unnecessary, and unprofessional. Do not butt into matters when it's none of your business. Raising your voice will not change any of my behavior because I do not fear you. This is embarrassing behavior that should never have happened.
It's hypocritical to blame people for not restocking reagents. It has been days since you two used up the last bottle of one reagents, and opened up the last box of large flasks. Neither of you have put in orders for either reagent. The only people you two help is each other- nobody else. Every time, when it's one of you who has used up a reagent, you find no fault with each other, but when it's somebody else, it's not okay.
I am not here to babysit you and hold your hand through graduate school. You should be responsible grad students by now after your first year in lab, yet you aren't. I don't have to be at work at 7:30 PM as a lab tech. Therefore, I again shouldn't be responsible for you if you choose to come at such a late time. Just because I'm the only person in lab with the foresight to have backups does not mean I will allow you to take advantage of me. Like my lab mate said, this relationship has been heavily one-sided, with me performing favors for you all the time. I am not responsible for an antibody that you require at midnight. You should have checked this in advance as well before beginning your immunostaining.
Since I'm leaving in June, I have been trying to teach you two to not depend on me so much. I cannot save you every time you are not ready to perform your experiments, yet every time, you always have to depend on me to bail you out of troublesome situations. You need to start learning to plan your experiments ahead of time.
This incident has lasted since Thursday night, so it has been about, what, 5 full days? I think they try from time to time to talk to me, asking small questions like, "Do we have more of this?" or, "You're running the half-marathon, right?" I need at least a week, before I even begin to say what's on my mind to them.
How can people one year younger than me be so irresponsible? Sure, I was like this in college, but not anymore after having been in the workforce. Maybe they need some more growing up to do.
There was this instance in lab, around 8 PM, when my mind just started jogging through memories of me and that lab mate, when times were almost... fun. And in just an instant, all that was, is gone.
I've already sent out an email to Janey, but I have to wonder what's going on their minds right now. Are they even feeling sorry? Do they even realize what it is that they did wrong?
There are specific things I do in lab, certain things I do as favors to help people with their projects. When you come in and order me around, saying, "Is it finished yet?" I refuse to be pushed around by pompous graduate students. I don't appreciate being taken advantage of, and I certainly am not responsible for ANY part of your project. I'm not here to optimize all of your experiments just because you're too lazy to do it yourself, so stop waiting until somebody else does your job for you.
If I offer you backup stocks from over a year ago, and I advise you to verify the stock by performing a simple restriction enzyme digestion overnight, you do it. Even if you didn't do it that night, you had all day the next day to perform such a simple task, yet you decide instead to go running, leaving lab for over 3 hours in the afternoon before coming in right when you need to perform your experiment, and not being ready for it.
You could have prepared days in advance to check if all the reagents were available. This is something you should be doing for all of your experiments. Leaving in the middle of the day to exercise does not excuse you from being responsible for your own project. You cannot expect all reagents to be there when you come back. You could also be checking before you go to see if anything is missing.
Yelling at a coworker in a public place is inappropriate, unnecessary, and unprofessional. Do not butt into matters when it's none of your business. Raising your voice will not change any of my behavior because I do not fear you. This is embarrassing behavior that should never have happened.
It's hypocritical to blame people for not restocking reagents. It has been days since you two used up the last bottle of one reagents, and opened up the last box of large flasks. Neither of you have put in orders for either reagent. The only people you two help is each other- nobody else. Every time, when it's one of you who has used up a reagent, you find no fault with each other, but when it's somebody else, it's not okay.
I am not here to babysit you and hold your hand through graduate school. You should be responsible grad students by now after your first year in lab, yet you aren't. I don't have to be at work at 7:30 PM as a lab tech. Therefore, I again shouldn't be responsible for you if you choose to come at such a late time. Just because I'm the only person in lab with the foresight to have backups does not mean I will allow you to take advantage of me. Like my lab mate said, this relationship has been heavily one-sided, with me performing favors for you all the time. I am not responsible for an antibody that you require at midnight. You should have checked this in advance as well before beginning your immunostaining.
Since I'm leaving in June, I have been trying to teach you two to not depend on me so much. I cannot save you every time you are not ready to perform your experiments, yet every time, you always have to depend on me to bail you out of troublesome situations. You need to start learning to plan your experiments ahead of time.
This incident has lasted since Thursday night, so it has been about, what, 5 full days? I think they try from time to time to talk to me, asking small questions like, "Do we have more of this?" or, "You're running the half-marathon, right?" I need at least a week, before I even begin to say what's on my mind to them.
How can people one year younger than me be so irresponsible? Sure, I was like this in college, but not anymore after having been in the workforce. Maybe they need some more growing up to do.
There was this instance in lab, around 8 PM, when my mind just started jogging through memories of me and that lab mate, when times were almost... fun. And in just an instant, all that was, is gone.
2.18.2012
garmin
Do I have to be the bigger person?
Why does it have to be me? I don't understand how hard it can be for people to realize that they cannot rely on me all the time for their projects to succeed.
I actually enjoy this sort of lull where there's no noise in my bay. No forced facial expressions where I break the elasticity of my face. No annoying phrases or quotes from movies and TV shows all the time. Those repetitive conversations bug me so much. Just a nice break, except when the lab manager comes in talking with his loud voice.
The silence is also great in pushing me to go running again. In the past 2 days, I have run 3 miles each, and will increase my distance to 5 miles tonight.
Another consideration to help with my training is a GPS watch. Although I considered purchasing one on Amazon, buddy Janey has graciously offered up her watch since she is not using it. My only concern is that her body sweat on the heart rate monitor band will rub up against my sweaty body. Gross.
I suppose that's all I need for now. Perhaps I will consider a roller for myofascial release in addition to some other energy drinks that will help speed up recovery.
Today: part 2 of ChIP. This procedure requires a lot more optimization than I had planned, so hopefully my PI doesn't bug me when the results do not come in on time.
Why does it have to be me? I don't understand how hard it can be for people to realize that they cannot rely on me all the time for their projects to succeed.
I actually enjoy this sort of lull where there's no noise in my bay. No forced facial expressions where I break the elasticity of my face. No annoying phrases or quotes from movies and TV shows all the time. Those repetitive conversations bug me so much. Just a nice break, except when the lab manager comes in talking with his loud voice.
The silence is also great in pushing me to go running again. In the past 2 days, I have run 3 miles each, and will increase my distance to 5 miles tonight.
Another consideration to help with my training is a GPS watch. Although I considered purchasing one on Amazon, buddy Janey has graciously offered up her watch since she is not using it. My only concern is that her body sweat on the heart rate monitor band will rub up against my sweaty body. Gross.
I suppose that's all I need for now. Perhaps I will consider a roller for myofascial release in addition to some other energy drinks that will help speed up recovery.
Today: part 2 of ChIP. This procedure requires a lot more optimization than I had planned, so hopefully my PI doesn't bug me when the results do not come in on time.
2.04.2012
food tray
Nobody likes it when they have to go down to the mouse colony, to find that a lab mate's pups have died and shriveled because he forgot them in the food tray after taking their toes for genotyping.
EWWWW.
I find myself in the between space. Everything feels surreal when I sit down at my lab bench. I'm moving on with my life. I'm moving on!
What will happen to these people when I leave? I've been with the oldest one for close to 4 years now. I was talking to the oldest grad student in the lab- she had wished that I would stay longer haha. Oh dear, I really can't stay for the sake of others. I have to start thinking about myself for a change.
I was partially offended by Poorneel's comment that I would be a two-and-screw. Janey explained this to me yesterday, that a two-and-screw is someone who enters a MD/PhD or MSTP program for 2 years just to get the free tuition before dropping that career path and finish with solely an MD.
He told me this in relation to my interest in surgery. Janey tried to reason that it was his cynicism. Still. I wonder if we had just experienced different programs during our interview routes. Everywhere I've been, some of the students had decided on pursuing surgery for residency. Every program director told me that they would support whatever path I chose to take, since it would be a ridiculously long route. Nevertheless, as long as I end up where I want to be, the program and its directors are willing to support me.
This is why I find it so confusing, and accusatory, that Poorneel would think such a thing of me. Just because I have an interest in neurosurgery does not mean that I would choose operating over research. That is not the reason I would go into an MD/PhD program. I also told myself that if I did not believe that I would enter a program and see it to completion, I would not apply for dual degrees. I'm not the type of person to take a spot away from another candidate for a free ride.
I wonder if I'm annoyed by that comment because it seemed like an attack on my integrity/character...
EWWWW.
I find myself in the between space. Everything feels surreal when I sit down at my lab bench. I'm moving on with my life. I'm moving on!
What will happen to these people when I leave? I've been with the oldest one for close to 4 years now. I was talking to the oldest grad student in the lab- she had wished that I would stay longer haha. Oh dear, I really can't stay for the sake of others. I have to start thinking about myself for a change.
I was partially offended by Poorneel's comment that I would be a two-and-screw. Janey explained this to me yesterday, that a two-and-screw is someone who enters a MD/PhD or MSTP program for 2 years just to get the free tuition before dropping that career path and finish with solely an MD.
He told me this in relation to my interest in surgery. Janey tried to reason that it was his cynicism. Still. I wonder if we had just experienced different programs during our interview routes. Everywhere I've been, some of the students had decided on pursuing surgery for residency. Every program director told me that they would support whatever path I chose to take, since it would be a ridiculously long route. Nevertheless, as long as I end up where I want to be, the program and its directors are willing to support me.
This is why I find it so confusing, and accusatory, that Poorneel would think such a thing of me. Just because I have an interest in neurosurgery does not mean that I would choose operating over research. That is not the reason I would go into an MD/PhD program. I also told myself that if I did not believe that I would enter a program and see it to completion, I would not apply for dual degrees. I'm not the type of person to take a spot away from another candidate for a free ride.
I wonder if I'm annoyed by that comment because it seemed like an attack on my integrity/character...
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