olecranon fossa

Remember Drab?

I haven't thought about him in forever. Until last night.

What # is it now?

I was walking by and noticed that Drab was laying supine on the ground for no apparent reason at all.

I knelt above his head, placed my hands down on the ground for support, and then touched my forehead to his, maintaining that position for what felt like there would be no end.

bigorexia

The weather hasn't been too bad down here in SoCal. Somewhat hot during the day, but windy and cloudy enough to keep cool. At first I thought that I would need to take 2 showers per day because of the excessive sweating, but 1 just may be enough.

Day 1 of not having to work for the Lim lab anymore. It has been relaxing and quite possibly therapeutic, but I do feel unproductive if I am not working. Maybe I still haven't gotten rid of my workaholic nature. My plans for the next 2 weeks involve spending time on myself, reflecting on what I could improve about my work ethic and my priorities.

Other thoughts running through my mind during the day revolve around lab and if I really miss anybody from there, especially my PI. Considering the way things ended, I think not.

My day is too preoccupied with fulfilling some requirements of the medical school before I matriculate in the fall. Updating vaccinations, getting a physical exam, taking online courses involving patient privacy, reserving spots for the white coat ceremony.

New life, new goals. I'll start trying to be productive by reading the 1st paper by my new rotation PI.

Naughty bits

9th dream about R&D.

Something was going on. My brother chased me to my room, but I didn't have any clothes on yet. I was attempting to put on underwear and a t-shirt, but suddenly my brother surprised me. Then I covered my naughty bits with my clothes, trying to shoo him out while maintaining some sense of dignity.

Finding myself alone in a bedroom, or so I thought, I sat down and noticed R&D in a position where he was on his knees and hands, hiding behind the bed, wearing just swim trunks and no shirt. Telling him to get out, he refused, so I started wrestling him, hands interlocking, and I overpowered him so that I was right on top.

THAT was awkward, being so close and uncomfortably laying on top of him. Eventually, he put on some type of shirt that left his back exposed, and he asked me to tie something. I looked at what was going on, and he had forgotten to take the tag off, so I teased him about that, until I examined the tag even further. Upon closer inspection, there were words written on the label: "Girl's top." I immediately burst out laughing and told him that what he purchased, and THOUGHT was stylish, was instead a garment of women's clothing. His facial reaction showed some slight embarrassment as he turned his head away in shame, with a slight grin emerging from the side of his mouth.

His birthday IS coming up- maybe that's what I should buy him.

jiro ono

Hunger Games Movie: C+

Jiro Dreams of Sushi: B+/A-

"I am tough on you… it's only because I see- I've always seen how insanely talented you are. I want you to be as successful as you can be, and you will be." ~Glee What have I been writing from so long ago? I remember liking the message behind the 2nd movie, and not liking the film adaptation of the 1st. 47 days left until I leave this lab. I've made a decision on which school I am planning to attend this summer. It's the best choice for me. Now I have to tell my PI, or else he'll get into a weird hissy fit again. Mant was trying to explain to me last night how he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings, so he just takes it out on me. We talked a lot last night. Mostly about people, partly about ourselves and trying to become better people. It's one of the nicer dinners I've had alone w/ Mant. Although she still does owe me a night where she's supposed to cook dinner for me. That's ok- I forgive her because she's helping to plan a dinner at Ad Hoc before I leave. She also wanted the group to go to a karaoke bar at some point, for old times' sake. Ok, no more time left, have to cell culture, finish immunostaining, and then go home to write. It's too hot inside lab.

doublecross

Dream: driving w/ Yoshi, Klean, wheelchair lady.
Yoshi was in the driver's seat, with Klean in the passenger side. We drove to some diner, where I was sitting across from the wheelchair lady. This lady always frequents the many workshops, seminars, and journal clubs that the Stem Cell department hosts. For a while, the police scared her away, but alas she has reared her ugly head again in last week's journal club. I wonder why the security on campus can't get her to leave. That's the one advantage of being an old fragile lady pushing around a wheelchair everywhere- it presses on people's sympathy button, so they can't help saying no to her.

Expired chocolate milk.
Has just as bad of a reaction as drinking expired regular milk! I made the mistake of thinking chocolate milk wouldn't go bad as quickly as whole milk. It didn't look like it had swirls when I looked through the opening of the carton. So wrong.

R&D.
He's seems different as of late. So much more polite with the "Thank you" and the "Sorry." I think I tried to tell him Friday night that even though he's joking about being confident/arrogant, if you joke long enough, people will start to believe you possess that quality (character flaw). Oh right... this was in response to several humble comments he made throughout the night as I waited for him to finish his qPCR plate so that I could help him learn how to run the machine. What's the problem with this? That I find it more difficult to hate him when he acts like this; he might even be likable to a degree. A very minuscule degree.

Tonight, I went back to lab to pick up my backpack while also taking care of some lab purchases. He came in again after his run, wearing that awful lime green shirt of his. It is Saint Patrick's Day, and he is half Irish, so I asked him if he were planning to go out and have fun tonight. Besides, he mentioned yesterday that every year he's always had something that prevented him from enjoying this "holiday." This year, it was work- he volunteered to sub for Mant since she was leaving for Hawaii. By volunteer, I meant I moved him up on the lab presentation schedule while pushing Mant down. So it was partially my responsibility that he's had to perform more work this week to collect some data for his lab meeting. It'll probably end up being a good thing, since he's found something interesting with his data.

Oh whoops digression. I asked him if he were going out tonight to try to celebrate some part of St. Patty's Day. He said," Yeah," but with little excitement in his voice. He seemed reluctant in going out, because he was so tired. He told me that he usually would be excited about going out, so long as he was not exhausted to the point where he couldn't enjoy himself. I wonder if he were doing it just to be nice to his friend, our other lab mate, so that he wouldn't attend a party alone. From my perspective, I don't think he's enjoyed any of the parties he's attended in the past month. Why does he keep going if he isn't having fun?

Is that what being a friend is? Doing things that you don't want to do, so that someone else can be happy? I don't know if I like the sound of that... to me, being a friend would be telling him that a particular jacket of his is too small for him because it makes him look bottom-heavy.

Ugh, I stayed in lab until midnight helping him out. He was getting angry at some point because his plate was stuck to the cooling block. This isn't the first time that I've stayed in lab late just to help him, even though I learn more about him at those odd hours for some reason. Maybe I just want to figure out who he really is before I leave. Maybe that's it. He doesn't like to talk much about his private life; maybe he prefers it that way. But he's at least told me some things about his family and his childhood. Maybe that's enough.

Blegh, it's late. Time to stop writing.

greek yoghurt

8th dream about R&D.

Didn't happen today, but occurred a while back. I was too embarrassed to write about it.

Basically, the premise was that he approached me, inching closer and closer.

I stood there, paralyzed, just waiting and hoping he wouldn't be doing what I thought he would try to do.

He kissed me. Worst part was that I didn't do anything to pull away.

BLEGH!

polyphagia

I keep watching all these TV shows, and they seem to be speaking to me.

Speaking to me, telling me to speak to them.

First there was Grey's Anatomy, where Christina Yang asks Owen Hunt not to be angry at her anymore, and they stand there together.

Then there's 30 Rock, where Liz Lemon acknowledges that she needs to be the bigger person after realizing that she is ruining her own relationships with people.

"I let little things ruin stuff." OH Liz Lemon.

Well, even though I'm arriving at this conclusion, it dawns on me that the other party probably isn't thinking at all about what they did wrong, that they're probably just laughing it up somewhere without a care in the world about anything but themselves. Have they learned anything at all???

Then again, they have been making several, but rare, attempts to try to talk to me again. One is still nosing through all my letters, and looking at my computer screen, so that must mean that they care to some extent, right?

In other news, Kaiser has inspired me to fly, first to Houston, then the world! Where should I go? My interests are currently South America, Europe, and Asia, but to where in these continents should I travel?

carla

The landlady's mother lives on the top floor of the house in which I rent out one of the rooms.

Last night, I saw my roommate in the bathroom and managed to ask him if the internet to our house had been fixed. Apparently, a few weeks ago, AT&T "accidentally" turned off or disconnected the internet to the house. Fortunately, the landlady looked into the issue and offered to take off $25 from our rent for next month.

Once I asked him, he told me that the password to the new internet service was located upstairs next to Carla's TV. Then, he added in the fact that Carla had passed away Tuesday.

Tuesday?! That would make it 2 days ago that she had died, and I had no idea. All these thoughts ran into my head. "Was her body dead on the top floor?" "Should I have checked if she was okay?" "She has 2 cats- what's to become of them now?"

I remember seeing her last week, or even the day before Tuesday, and she seemed fine except for the graying hair and loss of color. How old was she?

The children came bay last night to have dinner in the house. They also brought large tupperware to pack up all of her belongings. So strange. If anything, I would have bet that my old Japanese roommate Yama would have kicked the bucket while I was living with him. Not Carla. I wonder if she died peacefully in her sleep, or if she were at the hospital when it happened.

Why does it always take death to put things in perspective? It has been over a week since I last talked to the MSTP students in the lab. All over something so trivial. My postdoc told me that I was being too subtle, and that they are just too oblivious to recognize the lesson that I was trying to teach them.

I came into work today, and he was there already, boiling toes or tails for genotyping, yet I just walked past him and continued to sit down at my desk to turn on my computer. Yesterday at lunch, both of them tried to talk to me when people were around, asking about the Shamrock Shake I was drinking at McDonald's. Now I'm wondering if (1) they actually want to talk to me, and the ball is in my court, or (2) whether they were just trying to be pretentious and let everybody seem that things are fine between us, and choose to not talk to me one on one. Is it still them that don't want to talk to me, or am I the one who needs to initiate conversation to make things right again?

I tell myself that I will be ready to talk to them about the situation once I'm done with preparing for lab meeting and taking an exam, but maybe it's all just an excuse to not want to talk to them. I REALLY enjoy the silence in my bay, but it's unnatural and wrong to squash their personalities over my needs.

montage

Do they not realize how immature they are?

I've already sent out an email to Janey, but I have to wonder what's going on their minds right now. Are they even feeling sorry? Do they even realize what it is that they did wrong?

There are specific things I do in lab, certain things I do as favors to help people with their projects. When you come in and order me around, saying, "Is it finished yet?" I refuse to be pushed around by pompous graduate students. I don't appreciate being taken advantage of, and I certainly am not responsible for ANY part of your project. I'm not here to optimize all of your experiments just because you're too lazy to do it yourself, so stop waiting until somebody else does your job for you.

If I offer you backup stocks from over a year ago, and I advise you to verify the stock by performing a simple restriction enzyme digestion overnight, you do it. Even if you didn't do it that night, you had all day the next day to perform such a simple task, yet you decide instead to go running, leaving lab for over 3 hours in the afternoon before coming in right when you need to perform your experiment, and not being ready for it.

You could have prepared days in advance to check if all the reagents were available. This is something you should be doing for all of your experiments. Leaving in the middle of the day to exercise does not excuse you from being responsible for your own project. You cannot expect all reagents to be there when you come back. You could also be checking before you go to see if anything is missing.

Yelling at a coworker in a public place is inappropriate, unnecessary, and unprofessional. Do not butt into matters when it's none of your business. Raising your voice will not change any of my behavior because I do not fear you. This is embarrassing behavior that should never have happened.

It's hypocritical to blame people for not restocking reagents. It has been days since you two used up the last bottle of one reagents, and opened up the last box of large flasks. Neither of you have put in orders for either reagent. The only people you two help is each other- nobody else. Every time, when it's one of you who has used up a reagent, you find no fault with each other, but when it's somebody else, it's not okay.

I am not here to babysit you and hold your hand through graduate school. You should be responsible grad students by now after your first year in lab, yet you aren't. I don't have to be at work at 7:30 PM as a lab tech. Therefore, I again shouldn't be responsible for you if you choose to come at such a late time. Just because I'm the only person in lab with the foresight to have backups does not mean I will allow you to take advantage of me. Like my lab mate said, this relationship has been heavily one-sided, with me performing favors for you all the time. I am not responsible for an antibody that you require at midnight. You should have checked this in advance as well before beginning your immunostaining.

Since I'm leaving in June, I have been trying to teach you two to not depend on me so much. I cannot save you every time you are not ready to perform your experiments, yet every time, you always have to depend on me to bail you out of troublesome situations. You need to start learning to plan your experiments ahead of time.

This incident has lasted since Thursday night, so it has been about, what, 5 full days? I think they try from time to time to talk to me, asking small questions like, "Do we have more of this?" or, "You're running the half-marathon, right?" I need at least a week, before I even begin to say what's on my mind to them.

How can people one year younger than me be so irresponsible? Sure, I was like this in college, but not anymore after having been in the workforce. Maybe they need some more growing up to do.

There was this instance in lab, around 8 PM, when my mind just started jogging through memories of me and that lab mate, when times were almost... fun. And in just an instant, all that was, is gone.

garmin

Do I have to be the bigger person?

Why does it have to be me? I don't understand how hard it can be for people to realize that they cannot rely on me all the time for their projects to succeed.

I actually enjoy this sort of lull where there's no noise in my bay. No forced facial expressions where I break the elasticity of my face. No annoying phrases or quotes from movies and TV shows all the time. Those repetitive conversations bug me so much. Just a nice break, except when the lab manager comes in talking with his loud voice.

The silence is also great in pushing me to go running again. In the past 2 days, I have run 3 miles each, and will increase my distance to 5 miles tonight.

Another consideration to help with my training is a GPS watch. Although I considered purchasing one on Amazon, buddy Janey has graciously offered up her watch since she is not using it. My only concern is that her body sweat on the heart rate monitor band will rub up against my sweaty body. Gross.

I suppose that's all I need for now. Perhaps I will consider a roller for myofascial release in addition to some other energy drinks that will help speed up recovery.

Today: part 2 of ChIP. This procedure requires a lot more optimization than I had planned, so hopefully my PI doesn't bug me when the results do not come in on time.

food tray

Nobody likes it when they have to go down to the mouse colony, to find that a lab mate's pups have died and shriveled because he forgot them in the food tray after taking their toes for genotyping.

EWWWW.

I find myself in the between space. Everything feels surreal when I sit down at my lab bench. I'm moving on with my life. I'm moving on!

What will happen to these people when I leave? I've been with the oldest one for close to 4 years now. I was talking to the oldest grad student in the lab- she had wished that I would stay longer haha. Oh dear, I really can't stay for the sake of others. I have to start thinking about myself for a change.

I was partially offended by Poorneel's comment that I would be a two-and-screw. Janey explained this to me yesterday, that a two-and-screw is someone who enters a MD/PhD or MSTP program for 2 years just to get the free tuition before dropping that career path and finish with solely an MD.

He told me this in relation to my interest in surgery. Janey tried to reason that it was his cynicism. Still. I wonder if we had just experienced different programs during our interview routes. Everywhere I've been, some of the students had decided on pursuing surgery for residency. Every program director told me that they would support whatever path I chose to take, since it would be a ridiculously long route. Nevertheless, as long as I end up where I want to be, the program and its directors are willing to support me.

This is why I find it so confusing, and accusatory, that Poorneel would think such a thing of me. Just because I have an interest in neurosurgery does not mean that I would choose operating over research. That is not the reason I would go into an MD/PhD program. I also told myself that if I did not believe that I would enter a program and see it to completion, I would not apply for dual degrees. I'm not the type of person to take a spot away from another candidate for a free ride.

I wonder if I'm annoyed by that comment because it seemed like an attack on my integrity/character...

duds

It has been about a week since my candy bar phone has died, yet I don't really miss it that much.

I usually don't make that many phone calls to being with- it's usually people who are calling me to ask about something such as where I'm interviewing.

I hope that during this time, I'm not getting phone offers for interviews. That's probably unlikely the case since we live by email in this day and age.

Hah! I feel old, saying, "In this day and age." The impact of my mortality did not hit me until interviewing with some other students who were younger than me. When Usher's "Yeah" played on the radio, they were joking about how they danced at their middle or high school prom to that song.

If I can recall, my classmates and I partied to that song in college.

All my cousins have iPhones. In fact, I believe I am the last one in my generation to not have a smartphone.

My decision ultimately came down to practicality over aesthetics. I had picked the Samsung Galaxy S II Skyrocket because it uses the native Android operating system, which I prefer mainly because I tend to use Google Apps quite often.

Ugh Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are here. Time to bounce.