spinal tap

Volunteered in the ER again last night.

Had the chance to observe Dr. Watts perform a lumbar puncture on a psych patient. Mmm, CSF.

Tried to speak Cantonese AND Mandarin to a patient's relative trying to explain to them that when the bone broke in one direction, you have to push it straight and then pull it in the opposite direction to over-correct it.

Delivered blood, CSF samples to the lab, some patient info to the 9th floor, where these nurses were surprised that a volunteer would work until midnight.

All the Asians and Hispanics down in the ER are SO nice to me!

Enjoyed the graham crackers, cranberry juice, apple juice, and orange juice in the break room.

Last night was also the night I have seen so many patients' underwears. It's like college all over again. Unpleasant, uncomfortable, and blinding to my vision.

When it rains, there seems to be a lot more patients in the ER. Don't know why.

Body is still sore from the accident Friday. Maybe my body's getting out of shock. My left temple hurts, the right side of my body is sore, and I'm more tired than usual. Aye.

Going to sit in on a class tonight. It's just one meeting- the rest will be online, which may not be such a bad thing.

starcraft

Yes, that's the name of the shuttle.

Thursday 01.21.10.
During most of the day, people were using the microscope room with the lights on, so I wasn't able to start taking any fluorescence photos until 6 PM at night. In addition, my friend/lab mate wanted me to attend the Eric Kandel lecture at Mission Bay because she didn't want to go alone. What's up with girls always needing a companion to go with them somewhere so that they don't feel lonely? Well, his lecture was pretty interesting, and he was comical, although a lot of people seemed to fall asleep. Most of his research was biochemistry stuff, and I enjoyed the connections his work makes from the molecular level to the behavioral. I was a little envious of how his findings looked so effortless.

So traveling to the other campus took up about 2.5 hrs out of my day, and I ended up taking pictures until around midnight. Then I had to start prepping my powerpoint for lab meeting. The week before, my lab manager had asked me to switch places with him, for reasons unknown but most likely due to his brother coming into the City to visit. Big mistake.

Friday 01.22.10
At midnight, before I went on to pasting the images into my powerpoint, I had to extract them from the microscope. Still, I felt dirty so I walked back to my apartment to take a shower. I was laying in bed for a while before showering, taking out my contacts, and returning to lab, which turned out to be 1:30 AM. In lab, I extracted the photos from our Leica microscope (awesome), setting the red and green exposure to 125 ms, DAPI channel to 5 ms, and the picture quality as JPEGs of 88%.

It was a mistake to place data on before working on the rationale, but I was in lab, the heaters had turned off, and mucus was flowing out of my nose. I pretty much didn't care at that point. Cropping pictures to 25% or 15% its size, depending on if I placed 4 or 8 images on one slide, I put them all into my work, even the data that wasn't relevant to the project. My body lost thermal homeostasis, so I was wearing my hoodie from American Apparel along with a windbreaker, the only two jackets I brought to lab. I was like this until about 8 or 9 when people started trickling in, turning on the lights, hurting my eyes. Around 9:20 I left with my postdoc to get dim sum for breakfast.

10 AM. 24 hours without sleep, and time for lab meeting. Totally unfocused. Such is the theme of my life.

Anyhow, sleep-deprived, went to the VA, took the shuttle back, and got hit by a car from the other side of the road. More deets on this later.

resolve

Working out a list of things I should work on, personally and/or professionally:

Read (leisure): check out books from library. Currently this involves only medical nonfiction. If anyone has a good recommendation, let me know!

Read (work): 1 each day of Nature, Science, Cell, Neuron, NEJM, Cell Stem Cell, Nature Genetics, Nature Medicine. Again, if anyone thinks there's other good quality journals, let me know.

Read (MCAT?): 1.5 hours each morning/night of Economist, Harper's, Atlantic Monthly, New Yorker, New York Times, BBC News. Additional recommendations?

Go to bed each night around 10 or 10:30 PM, wake up at 5:30 AM.

Try to work until 5 or 6 PM, try not to work on weekends... too much.

Cook from 6-8 PM.

Exercise! (When? I don't know about this, besides my dance classes on Sundays.)

Continue volunteering.

More rejection letters, except I've been so numb and desensitized that I just don't care anymore, or the soreness from the car accident yesterday has numbed my nerves. They were also at places I didn't particularly care to go.

I was going to put try to socialize more, but that just interferes with the rest of my goals. Besides, I talk plenty enough to lab mates and coworkers in the ER when I volunteer there.

Crap, missing dinner. Going to grab food. I'm also trying out this new e-mail to blogger posting. Will see how it works.

Nighty night.

decorticate

What lies on the other side of death?

Is it better to live comfortably doing something that is satisfactory at best, or is it better to live enduring stress, losing years of one's life doing something personally worthwhile?

Hmm. I just had a losing-sight-of-the-big-picture moment. What is the big picture?

Isn't that the question they always wanted us to answer in elementary school? Or a similar question along those lines (what is the main theme, what is the main idea, etc.).

I'm not really sure why I'm having a strenuous time dealing with this situation.

Went volunteering in the ER last night. Had to sit for a transgendered senior citizen from 10 to 11. Although they got her to the correct floor- for a brain mass- they forget to return her dentures and ring with her other belongings. I ended up staring at these plaque-ridden teeth and started wondering how my teeth looked on the inside. Moreover, I turned the denture container so far that the liquid started spilling out of it and touching the ring that was also sealed inside the plastic bag. Whoops.

I also got to meet some more volunteers. New ones. I'm still not sure whether the nurse, a gay gentlemen, is hitting on me or just being nice. Also wasn't sure whether the Asian girl volunteer was flirting with me or not. Anyways, too oblivious to see these things from the get-go.

Another thing I did last night was just deliver a note to one of the helpers down in the ER. This Asian guy named Sam (?) asked me last week about the SATs and how my cousin did so well. Eventually I asked her, but she never really studied for the test and scored over 2200. Or was it 2300? Some ridiculously high score, and now I hear her parents are pushing her towards engineering. My cousin asked her other friends to see what they used to study for the test, and I just relayed that information to him. He seemed really intent on online sources that didn't cost anything, though. Maybe he doesn't earn enough with his current job. More proof that standardized tests benefit the wealthy more.

Once it turned midnight, I started leaving the ER to find some fat lady in pink with who I presumed to be her mother. Being the person who makes so many mistakes, I bothered to ask them if they needed any help. They wanted to get to the 15th floor, where the pregnancy suite was. Ohhhhhh, so that's why her stomach is bloated. I willed myself to escort...

I think the appropriate word I think I'm feeling is marginalized. Well, at the moment anyhow.

Back to story: Started escorting that patient down the hallway, all while she was panicking nonsensically about hemorrhaging or something being wrong with the baby. I offered to hold her purse so that she could pay attention to just her baby and walking to her room. Waiting in the elevator, I was starting to get grossed out when the husband started trying to comfort the wife, kissing each other. Ugh, gross! What you NEED to tell her is to calm her ass down.

What I also don't understand is why they put the baby-delivering (I guess OB/GYN suite?) at the 15th floor, the TOP floor in the hospital! What the hell?! In the end she made it to her room, and I went home to a nice bowl of curry that Yams made for me. MMM! Simple, yet satisfying. Dark chicken meat, carrots, celery, and a brown curry sauce, which I mixed with the rice he also left out for me. SO HAPPY! Was watching Princess and the Frog while eating my late dinner. The movie started out SOOO GOOD when they talked about dreams of opening up a diner. And then it got boring with the love and the romancing bull crap.

Tired of writing. Bon soir!

babinski

Why do I catch people in the most awkward of attire?

Went to bed last night thinking negative thoughts. Got really angry, then sweaty. Then I fell asleep.

Whenever I go to bed, I usually forget about anything that happened the previous day. I supposedly let go of short-term grudges.

However, this morning, I woke up still angry. Very peculiar.

I'm still unsure about what to do with my situation, and I don't expect anyone else to have great advice, because nobody is equipped with the same circumstances as I am. Still uncertain, but I think I know what I have to do regardless.

There's the option of taking night classes while working to boost my GPA, or studying furiously to retake the MCAT. The average MCAT at this school is 37.5 for MSTP matriculants. Can I just say that that is ridonkulous?

And once I think about that, I ask myself why does one-tenth of a point really matter? Why does even 6 more points matter? Everyone is just seen as numbers up to a certain point.

My other thought was just to prep for actuarial exams, as a backup in case everything goes wrong. AGAIN. Another thought would be culinary school, which only requires 6 months apprenticing in the back of house.

Why am I inclined towards stressful occupations at both ends of the income spectrum? One works you like a horse for minimum wage while the other works you like a horse for a substantial amount once you exit residency.

Being in lab this late at night is peaceful. I hear nothing but the faint whirring of the air conditioner, and the consistent clicking of the clock as time passes, unconcerned about my need for more. The one constant in my life is time; that's one thing that hasn't let me down.

What it ultimately comes down to is: will my current achievements ever be able to rectify my past mistakes? Is that the only reason as to why people hesitate?

cushing's disease

Thursday afternoon I was walking towards the library feeling just great until I started thinking about everything in my life.

You remember those video games or the cartoons where this being of pure good is slowly enveloped by this black amorphous mass? That's how I felt once I started even thinking about the future.

My PI's third child was born yesterday, and my lab mate wanted to go grab flowers and balloons and champagne for him and his wife to congratulate them. I'm not sure if it was the entire time, but I was just thinking about how frivolous it is to bring another human into this world. Is that really something to celebrate over?

Maybe I AM angry at someone. Maybe I'm angry at everyone.

When children act like children, it's cute, but when adults act like children, it's annoying.

How is it that I've been rationalizing things like this recently? It's like, you try your hardest for other people, and hope that they could help you in some manner in return. The only conclusion reached from this experience is that when you put other people's success above your own, you set yourself up for failure.

My mind keeps repeating, rewinding, repeating- all the events from last January until now. People just keep telling me to apply earlier. What was I doing at that time? I was doing lab work, trying to generate useful data to be put onto grants. Am I mad at my Dandruff (came up with that nickname recently. SO clever!)? Is my frustration directed towards my lab, then, and science, most of all.

I don't place my faith in a higher being. I don't place my faith in other people. And yet somehow I managed to put my trust in something beyond my control, which was an irrational move on my part.

I've also started to get slightly annoyed with a particular postdoc in the lab. For the most part, before she arrived, I had been volunteering my time to autoclave supplies, stock people's shelves, cleaning and organizing most of the lab so that the whole machine could run smoothly...

I was interrupted just now, so I actually feel better, which would disrupt the flow of this story. Anyways, going to call it a early night in lab!

mesen

Last night I decided to drop down and go volunteering.

It was nice seeing the familiar faces again. All the coworkers I met before recognized me, which made me feel all the guiltier about not volunteering consistently. And by inconsistent, I mean 3 or 4 times last year.

Once I got down there, wearing a blue+collared t-shirt that was a little too form-fitting, I began wandering around to see what could be done.

The best moment of the night wasn't the persistent vomiting coming from one room (which a nurse requested me to clean up- egh), or the loud moans of pain heard from another, but being able to speak Cantonese to the patients who needed something. One lady, shaved head and in Buddhist garb, just wanted the headrest lowered for her relative, the patient. Then I asked her if she'd like any water while she waited, and indeed she was thirsty.

I walked around the department later on, and in the same room, some doctor was trying to ask the patient questions, except, instead of trying to find a translator, she thought that shouting the questions louder would help. It doesn't, lady.

What I realized from last night: our current generation of doctors are entitled, slow, and lazier than the rest of the medical staff. All they do is sit around in their workstation/room gossiping about their personal lives and staring at the computer screen.

That's just one fault I found with the emergency room department. Another issue is the lack of customer service. There's just people waiting there, snickering about how the doctors have no idea what their problem is. I decided to make the effort myself to offer food/drinks to families of patients, very much the sort of thing I would do at my parents' restaurant. It really doesn't take that much to make people more satisfied with the tiring experience of waiting in an emergency department to be diagnosed, treated, and sent home.

I enjoyed eating the stuff in the food pantry, though, that SHOULD go out to patients, but there was plenty enough for me. I had orange juice, cranberry juice, honey grahams. The only terrible part of the night was afterwards, when I discovered that the hospital cafeteria closed before midnight. Luckily I brought back with me a jug of milk and applesauce. Still, I went to bed right after eating those 2 things, missing dinner that night. Oy.

No time left- gotta start working!

ander

I have a new favorite threesome.

Here's one hint: it it NOT and NEVER WILL BE Janey and her Dan.

Hmm, another hint: NO blondes!

Off to volunteer tonight in the ER.

Talking to Kaiser actually made me feel slightly better last night.

Everyone that has gone off into med school ultimately has no time for their friends. That could possibly explain why they instead start pair-bonding with those other parasites known as classmates. The amount of sexual activity among medical students is even more incestuous than that of graduate students. Blegh.

New cookbooks came in!!! Momofuku, Mastering the Art of Chinese Cooking.

Oops, have to poops. TTYLz, y'all.

foxp2

So I was off by a number.

Think I'll go volunteering in the ER tonight, another part of my goal re-evaluation.

Only I can fix myself. We'll see if I can return to myself before this disastrous season.

If only Buffy could kick my ass.

Going to start exercising again tonight. You remember, calisthenics and some cardio.

Also going to read Intern while doing laundry, then hopefully travel to Safeway and buy the ingredients I need for my French Laundry recipes.

2 cookbooks arriving tomorrow!

soa

How can it be possible to say something without sounding trite? If you add up all the conversations since man began to speak, supposedly through a mutation in the Foxp3 gene (I hope I picked the right one...), nothing is original.

Even in cooking, in every cookbook I've seen, the meals are just a reimagining of some previous concoction. The right combination of food items had already been perfected- now chefs are merely purifying or intensifying flavors. Is that the reason why ingredients from multiple ethnic regions haven't mixed together?

Maybe that's why interracial couples are still at a minimum (even though some people predict we will all be some brownish racial color in due time). We just don't blend together well.

Getting tired again. Going to transiently fill the void with food.

jimador

Went out with my lab mates last night.

Drank beers, mimosas. Had a shot of tequila. Ugh SO BAD, even though it tasted SO GOOD.

Came back home, saw 2 rejection letters and a check for $50. Didn't care.

Headache, drunk sexting, dehydrated.

Woke up. Sinuses were cleared. Then the negative thoughts wash over me again.

Alcohol: not a good solution.

bloodlust

I'm giving away my blood, via donation.

It can serve a good cause, since I have no use for it.

dry as ice

New food tactic tonight: eating an entire pint of ice cream. Pomegranate-blueberry. Mmm.

The world is my playground.

Just because things aren't easy doesn't mean they should be that hard.

Guilty pleasure: Barenaked Ladies' Stunt album.

Tired. Woke up for Grand Rounds. Sleep > knowledge.

brut

Yoshi: I have lost ALL faith in everybody/thing!

Jalto: It's a new year with infinite possibility for disappointment.

Even Nants tried last night. Praying. Gross.

Ohhh, I shouldn't have had those 2 footlongs from Subway last night. Maybe I should have had more- I'm starving in lab right now.

The general starvation. Caloric restriction to live a longer life, so overrated.

Too tired to write right now. And I think my cells died in the thawing process. Ergh.

silhouette

Nothing is happening.

The wave of disappointment flows in and out every day.

Feeling mortality has never been so clear.

Perhaps it's time to retreat and disappear for a while. People's empty words cannot fill this empty hole.

How is it possible for someone, who never had any to begin with, to lose faith?

Hope does not exist without the willpower to back it up.

Fading.

afterglow

Why do I feel such strong emotion from time to time?

That's so unlike me...

Ugh, how does Drab know that I'm in the depths of despair. I don't want him to know the inner workings of my convoluted mind.

Getting over my cold little by little.

My relationship with Yams is like a see-saw.

Once again I have to deal with crazy landlords. Only this time, he's running from the cops.

tick tock

I appreciate the e-mail updates from Lizbian, even though they're not too detailed or long.

I wish I had found the time to respond sooner. I didn't want it to appear as if I were ignoring her message.

Anyways, I'm hungry. Off to look for food!

chop chop

When it comes to offering support, it's easily handed out.

When it comes to asking for it, it's much harder.

Selfishness kicks in, and you realize just what happens when you put others before yourself.

girl on girl

Amy Adams as a person intrigues me, even though her character in Julie and Julia was beyond annoying.

She was more appealing as Amelia Earhart in Night at the Museum.