cushing's disease

Thursday afternoon I was walking towards the library feeling just great until I started thinking about everything in my life.

You remember those video games or the cartoons where this being of pure good is slowly enveloped by this black amorphous mass? That's how I felt once I started even thinking about the future.

My PI's third child was born yesterday, and my lab mate wanted to go grab flowers and balloons and champagne for him and his wife to congratulate them. I'm not sure if it was the entire time, but I was just thinking about how frivolous it is to bring another human into this world. Is that really something to celebrate over?

Maybe I AM angry at someone. Maybe I'm angry at everyone.

When children act like children, it's cute, but when adults act like children, it's annoying.

How is it that I've been rationalizing things like this recently? It's like, you try your hardest for other people, and hope that they could help you in some manner in return. The only conclusion reached from this experience is that when you put other people's success above your own, you set yourself up for failure.

My mind keeps repeating, rewinding, repeating- all the events from last January until now. People just keep telling me to apply earlier. What was I doing at that time? I was doing lab work, trying to generate useful data to be put onto grants. Am I mad at my Dandruff (came up with that nickname recently. SO clever!)? Is my frustration directed towards my lab, then, and science, most of all.

I don't place my faith in a higher being. I don't place my faith in other people. And yet somehow I managed to put my trust in something beyond my control, which was an irrational move on my part.

I've also started to get slightly annoyed with a particular postdoc in the lab. For the most part, before she arrived, I had been volunteering my time to autoclave supplies, stock people's shelves, cleaning and organizing most of the lab so that the whole machine could run smoothly...

I was interrupted just now, so I actually feel better, which would disrupt the flow of this story. Anyways, going to call it a early night in lab!