trovarsi

Gay Pride yesterday. Meh. Creepy old men, as usual.

Hung out with Hesse, haven't seen him in a while. Supposedly the last time we saw each other was last year's gay pride.

Didn't run into Carl's Jr. last night. For some reason, Clare and Drab decided to go to the Castro after their concert in Berkeley.

Ate at Squat and Gobble with Hesse and his friends, had a drink there. Tasted more like grapefruit than alcohol. Had a tequila shot at Twin Peaks, then a long island iced tea, sipped other people's drinks throughout the rest of the night. Dancing to heavy bass techno remixes. Oh yeah, and a gay porn shop. Meh.

Sat around the Safeway at Church until Clare and Drab arrived. Clare had a pimple at the end of his nose- stress from his tequila project? Drab had a cold sore on the side of his mouth. We were sitting on a couch at one of his friend's place, I didn't feel like saying anything, and he didn't have anything left to say, so he just made this weird smile at me. Awkward moment. How to deal with this boy, I have no idea. I find myself being exhausted from having to instigate and/or maintain a running conversation with friends. Clare was sitting next to me on the couch, and I try to talk about my work/research/classes/applications since that's all I've been doing as of late but he found it boring. Then I try to think of something else to talk about but get annoyed with the process so I just don't bother to talk and stop the conversation from continuing. Really don't know why I get tired of people so easily. Clare also gave me incorrect facts about the N-owl running by Dolores at the East Portal station. I was standing at the stop for about 20 minutes before some homeless guy with a dog walks by to pick up trash and tells me that the train stopped running, that I would have to go up to Haight to catch the N-Owl.

Also find myself becoming numb to the events going on with friends' lives. Maybe I've stopped caring? Who knows. Or maybe I'm just bored with their lives. Either people are just working, or they're researching. Then my cynical rationalization is that since they're so bored from their careers, they have to start discussing current events or other miscellaneous information that can easily be picked up from surfing the internet. Since it's that easy, it seems unnecessary having to hear that coming out of friend's mouths when I can just directly access the secondary source later. Perhaps this being friendly thing just isn't me, or maybe I'm tired of compromising. A more perplexing concept for me is what exactly can bind friends together if your interests are vastly different. That is, can two people remain as friends if they have nothing in common? I used to think it was a good thing to get to know people with varying personalities, unique things that they can be passionate about. My current opinion about this possibility is leaning towards doubt.

Feeling very out of touch with reality, what with my grandfather, and the confirmation of my aunt's breast cancer. She now has to wait a few months for additional tests before proceeding with the chemotherapy, followed by surgery after the tumor shrinks. There's also the issue of my cousins having to pick up the work now in order to pay for rent, insurance, car payments, college tuition, and their mom's medical expenses.

Today Yama gave me a note with an emergency contact in case anything happens to him. Strange receiving a note like this from a roommate. Weird to be living with a roommate in which imminent death is an issue.

Received a postcard from Rome. Nice to hear what Lizbian's been up to. Also received a postcard from Kaiser. Always surprising having to see what she'll write and which card she'll send. I'm surprised she sends me postcards from wherever she goes. France, Vietnam, Singapore, etc.

Hmm even blogging, trying to express my thoughts is getting exhausting. I'm out.

outré

26.

ANOTHER dream about Drab?!

It was a party that the two of us were at, and I was trying to spend the entire night without having to talk to him. So I would purposefully avoid him or walk to another part of the house if he were in sight.

At some point I had to use the bathroom after having so many beers (yes, more than one, I know, surprising), I was standing there doing my business at the urinal when Drab walks up and uses the one RIGHT NEXT to me.

He was also drunk, and being the sociable drunk that he is, he just keeps TALKING and TALKING to me, asking all these inane questions when all I wanted to do was take a break from the party and have time to myself.

Anyhow...

I think Mantis is going to be joining our lab, although I'm also starting to feel possessive/jealous again. Why do I feel feelings?! I refuse to be human.

The doctor is 90% sure that my aunt has breast cancer. But what stage is it at?

I come back home, my desk is gone, along with over 3/4 of my clothes. My mom's already started packing/moving my stuff to the new apartment without my permission. THIS close, THIS close I tell you. Only 3 more days...

Also another thing I don't understand is why people cried during the movie UP. More details on this in another post.

lycanthropy

Comprehensive list of medical schools: finito. Tired of looking at rankings, research programs. It's getting a bit tedious. I thought I could form some type of classification by looking through the ranks for research, primary care, hospital, and neuro(science), but not many schools are listed across the board. Then I try to pick those that are either on both lists for primary care/research, more favorable if within 5 ranks of each other.

In any case, it's not working. Most of the ones I'm applying to are regarded as "hopeful" based on some online calculator. About 5 are high chances? Who knows.

Job orientation here blows. Even if they've upgraded from cheesy 80s films, the dialogue is STILL corny. What gives?!

Working at the carwash, and my personal statement. Have it churned out by the end of the week? Who knows- I've seen people who submitted on the first day and had it verified at the same time. Maybe if I turn in all my things at the end of July (when I expect my LORs to be turned in), my stuff will be better prepared. AMCAS talk, done.

In other news... did I mention sailing with the lab group?

Clare texted me some day ago, I think Thursday, about going out for drinks with Drab. Obviously a no. My phone was also off because I was tired from taking the MCAT, so I didn't receive any text messages until the next morning.

Anyhow, off to Astronomy class. Why am I taking this class again??? I can't remember... I must be getting old.

Oh yes, other news. I leave my mom alone again for the day, and she breaks my bathroom sink! So now I have to brush my teeth every morning and night in the BATHTUB. Ugh.

besame

My mom was standing with me at the bus stop last week, and she told me that one of my aunts that immigrated over here had a lump on her breast discovered by her doctor. She went to a surgeon this week, who thinks that it may be breast cancer.

The more people you let into your life, the more bad news that you have to accept.

Taking an extended post-MCAT break, thinking about the future now, and I'm glad where I am. Glad that I didn't take my friends' advice on how to live my own life, but also glad to be accepting their advice about schools and locations to consider situating myself in the next few years.

Having these recurring thoughts, which I will suppress. I will NOT go to medical school just to chase after a girl. How ridiculous is that?! That would definitely go against everything I've been preaching all these years. I blame my lab group, them and their children, getting married, talking about life changing after having a family. ARGH!!!!

Job orientations suck. Big waste of time. Have 3 more to go to: 2 on benefits, and 1 that I can't even remember.

molecular gastronomy

Went sailing with my compatriots today. Around the bay again. Didn't go out for too long. Tanned myself though. How's that for unpredictable, Clare?! Going out when it's blindingly bright and unbearably hot!

Had a bunch of finger foods: quiche with ham, vegetarian quiche, these odd croissants also with ham or vegetables, a vegetarian-type pizza/tart, chocolate ganache, raspberry/blueberry/strawberry fruit tarts, and fruit. Everybody kept staring at me while I was eating, especially my Danimals' wife, who said that she likes someone who eats a lot and is surprised that I never get fat.

Due to not drinking for a while, my face turned COMPLETELY red. Just from one cup of mimosa! UGHHHHHH.

Mantis brought her boyfriend along, who I actually approve of. A few grad students of whom I have a non-negative opinion. VERY unpredictable. In your face, Clare!

I like my postdoc's wife, too, mainly because she likes guy stuff: Gundam/robots and the lemmings arcade games. Their baby's really cute, too. He really liked my windbreaker for some reason- he kept grabbing it during the trip and putting his mouth on/drooling all over it.

And THEN I came back to my apartment to find that Lizbian had sent me a postcard. Mmm, nice. Had a headache though, from the alcohol.

My mom's only staying for one more week! YES!

I finally get to writing on my 3 essays for the AMCAS. Considering retaking the MCAT... I know I can break a 40.

Very excited about moving on with my life now. Excited about taking on new projects, learning new lab techniques, taking classes for fun (instead of boosting my gpa/proving I can handle a tough science load, i.e., first 2 years of medical school), getting paid to do something I enjoy, finally having enough time to cook/dance.

Of course these "feelings" may just be my neurohormones being affected by the Chinese music I'm currently playing.

Thales

It's funny how my Danimals tugs on his hair whenever he's stressed out. His hair, since it's filled w/ gel, will flip up and stay up. I don't think he notices.

Test tonight. MCAT Thursday.

I find myself switching back and forth, between being okay w/ friends in the Bay Area to disliking or just not caring at all. That's usually associated with liking people in the South or the East Coast moreso. Maybe I've just gotten tired of trying to be friendly?

Janey's right, I'm not even going to deny it- taking on too many things right now. Every time I come back from night class, I'm just exhausted. Too exhausted to study, too exhausted to think about lab, too exhausted to deal with my future. The problem with my preference for living in the moment is that success in any future career requires planned preparation for tomorrow.

Hmm, maybe I'll be less burdened this weekend. Going to go sailing with my lab mates again. Mmm, I hope they have alcohol again. Maybe that's what I need right now: booze.

kepler

Finalized my list. Was only going to apply to 10-12, but Janey recommended more. So my final list is 16, even though I have a top 10 list. Not going to settle! As Clare would put it? Yes, yes, I think this conversation was with Clare.

Why does everybody keep telling me I'm going to do fine?

Finally requested last LOR, from my Danimals. I hope 3 letters plus the committee letter will form a good opinion about me? All but the committee letter are from people I've known for more than 4 years, except for Dante.

Maybe I'll post my personal statement on my blog once I'm finished with it. I've been writing it on the bus every morning. I have 12 topics that I could possibly use; if I used all of them, it would form a really cohesive story. Unfortunately, I'm only allowed 5300 characters. Blah.

Astronomy, still amazing. Homework seems useless, but the guy always has interesting stories, and everyday he comes in wearing a shirt with the solar system on it, or constellations. Hilarious black fellow.

Yesterday we talked about one of the early astronomers... Tycho Brahe! Really funny hearing about how back in the day, mathematicians would get into heated arguments, to the point where they would duel with swords over who was right. Tycho Brahe ended up losing his nose- the duel was held at night in black shadow- and attached a gold one to replace it. Sadly, he died from the mercury poisoning, along with his exploding bladder. Someone confirm this.

red giant

Astronomy class tonight: better than I expected! Interesting class, that won't be so challenging.

Too much stress. Janey/Nants pushing me on my AMCAS, intolerable mother nagging and asking so many questions, 2 weeks left to study for the MCAT.

The end result: my left occipital lymph node is swollen, so I have an infection running around somewhere in my body. AND the high stress has lowered my immune system so that I have zits all over my face, one inside my left ear. How am I supposed to take a photo to turn in to TMDSAS now?!

They're the hammer. I'm no nail!

Off to studying. or sleep.

redline

I was digging through my word documents, trying to find an old letter I had composed for my 30-days notice to discontinue my lease and vacate the premises. Once I opened the "APT" folder, I saw credit reports and two other letters: letter 4b and letter 5. Upon opening these files, I instantly noticed who they belonged to: Janey. From the summer of her breakup with her Dan. I instantly laughed at the thought of still having these on my laptop, and then instantly laughed at the content.

What would bug me the most was if people asked me for relationship advice, or rejected it if I offered my rational judgment, under the notion that I understood less than them because I was never in a relationship that included sex. Or they would tell me that I wouldn't "understand" the problems that go on between two people that connect below the belt.

Took a practice MCAT today: test 3? Off the e-mcat site. Physical Sciences, Biological Sciences, not so bad considering the paragraphs aren't as intensive as those 1001 questions. Thank god. Had over half an hour to spare in those sections, so I guess I could slow down to think over some questions more carefully. The verbal on the other hand, can't really skip through those passages like the other 2 sections. Still, the test seems more manageable now that there's less questions assigned to each section. Aiming for a raw score of... > 135.

Finalized CV, filling out work/activities a few hours later today, then filling out my personal statement. I think I'm just going to submit a draft to the people writing my letters of recommendation, or the unabridged version.

Under so much stress: breaking out in acne all over my face. The most painful one is in my left ear. Jesus, there's simply no way to wedge two fingers in there in order to pop the pus out.

Back to physics. Waves. Hmph. I loathe Electricity/Magnetism.

Even though my mom's cooking a lot of great food, I really could go for some junk food. Specifically potato chips- oh how I miss them...

Started eyeing the Redline 925 Commuter bike- NOOOOOOOO, I refuse to assimilate into the devil cult that is hipsterhood!

hochzeit

Going to only take 2 classes this summer, since the third one conflicts with the schedule of another. Also taking two classes that won't overlap, so I can just semi-focus on one while applying to med school. Astronomy, and Health/Social Justice.

Taking an actuarial math class in the fall, hopefully. Supposedly being a mathematician is the best job out of college? Anyways, I'm taking Poorneel's advice and having multiple backups planned, for less-than-ideal scenarios that I wouldn't mind pursuing. Also on the list of backups: culinary school, marry a rich Jew, optimally those who don't run Ponzi schemes.

Signing the rest of my paperwork. Going to be financially independent soon enough. Barely a little more than what a grad student stipend gets.

Still, I'll be saving more money now that I'm moving into a new apartment in July! Only $650 per month, which includes all utilities, and tv/cable. Not too shabby. All I need to do now is switch over my internet to his place. AND change my address with the post office, banks, applications, licenses. Ohhhhh. And my new roommate? An 88-year-old Japanese man who watches golf and enjoys Smirnoff vodka and Jack Daniels Whiskey.

Need a quick solution to learning Japernese. Anybody, anybody?

Going to study some physics/chemistry/organic tonight, fill out the activities/work portion of my application. Think I should just lump posters/conferences attended into one section, so that I have room to add other stuff.

They offer hip hop dance classes at Mission Bay as well!

Oh right. Dream last night. Sex dream about Kaiser. Weird. Just standing, the two of us. She then approaches me with this dirty grin on her face, and her hands move out of my field of vision, below the belt, and begins fondling my reproductive glands. Nads and more. That would be a funny name for a store.

americana

Finished all 4004 Examkrackers Practice Problems. Now to review the ones that I missed and/or were confusing...

Ordered my 3rd transcript from my current school. All 3 transcripts are on their way.

Made an 11 on the practice verbal. Going to try to push it up 1-2 points in 15 days. Aiya.

Nothing much to do for MCAT science sections besides review material and the problems I missed. Want a 14-15 for BS, 13-14 for PS. Doable? Hmm...

Next up on the agenda, which shouldn't take too long: high school paragraph, updated CV. And the personal statement...
----- Forgot how old this text was, didn't publish for a while-----

Update: finished high school paragraph, CV..., and starting the PS tonight. I think I'm just going to write a 2-3 page essay, and start paring down from there. AHHH!!!

MCAT, not ready. AHHH!!!

neoteny

So everyone knows how I like to think in my head a lot. I imagine unrealistic scenarios that amuse me.

What I didn't know was that I would be laughing randomly like a crazy person if any other person were in the room watching me. I was just typing away at my laptop as usual, and my mom goes in and asks,"What are you laughing at?!"

Boogie woogie bugle boy of company B. Oldie, from the 50s.

Target score: 41. Ideally? 14-13-14. S. Ugh. Too much pressure- I thought I had finally learned how to channel that stress into productivity. Bah humbug.

Under extreme stress; it feels like love filling up inside, ready to explode myself into bits of flesh. Hmm, my mind tends to associate love with stress. That could explain a lot of things...

Usually back in the day, you'd think that having some interest in the subject matter would get you into a class. I've been looking into math classes I want to take (still), and game theory looked really interesting, except it would conflict with my work hours. So there was this other class with times "to be arranged," whatever that means. So I'm hoping that it'll be a night class. I emailed the professor, only to get a reply back today asking me to look at some google document of an test prep for the first weed out exam. Talk about in-your-face natural selection.