The pain is intolerable.
I can't believe I allowed myself to eat a medium rare burger, under the caution on the menu that eating undercooked meat can lead to food-borne illness.
The only way to stop the pain is by laying down or sitting in a crouch position. It comes and goes in waves. Yesterday when I was cryosectioning brain tissue, I had to lurch over onto the machine at times just to relieve the pain.
The hamburgers were digested Friday at lunchtime. It has been 2 days thus far. Hopefully it gets better by tomorrow. Janey told me to start worrying when it reaches a week or longer.
I'm going to lay in bed for a while before resuming writing. That, or fall asleep...
11.13.2011
9.18.2011
santos
Met a woman in the ED this morning who was fluent in Spanish, English, and Filipino (Tagalog).
She has been a Certified Nursing Assistant since 1963, according to her- she's 88 so far.
She also mentioned that she would often go to some nursing homes and teach the staff there how to wash people's hairs?
I was unable to hear a majority of her speech because for the life of me I could not understand some of the words coming out of her mouth.
What I believed I heard was that the first thing CNA's were taught in school was how to wash people's hairs. They also taught them other things that involved taking care of the patients, mainly bathing and cleaning them.
What a nice lady. My conversation with her was cut short when the Physician Assistant came in, but it was a relief to know that she was coming in only for wrist pain. The doctor recommended aspirin, but wrote her a prescription for stronger pain meds if she ever felt the need.
She has been a Certified Nursing Assistant since 1963, according to her- she's 88 so far.
She also mentioned that she would often go to some nursing homes and teach the staff there how to wash people's hairs?
I was unable to hear a majority of her speech because for the life of me I could not understand some of the words coming out of her mouth.
What I believed I heard was that the first thing CNA's were taught in school was how to wash people's hairs. They also taught them other things that involved taking care of the patients, mainly bathing and cleaning them.
What a nice lady. My conversation with her was cut short when the Physician Assistant came in, but it was a relief to know that she was coming in only for wrist pain. The doctor recommended aspirin, but wrote her a prescription for stronger pain meds if she ever felt the need.
onitsuka tiger
I had another dream about R&D.
This one involved him and me bonding in a personal way about his life and my life, connecting on a deeper level. I know- it also grosses me out.
Was supposed to finish this post a long time ago, will just submit it.
This one involved him and me bonding in a personal way about his life and my life, connecting on a deeper level. I know- it also grosses me out.
Was supposed to finish this post a long time ago, will just submit it.
9.03.2011
piranha
3.5 miles in 25 minutes. Not so bad, 7m 08s miles. Sigh.
I don't want to go up to Davis with R&D just to run a 5K. It would be very uncomfortable and awkward being alone in a car with him for that long.
Other accomplishments of the week: I finally have an entry in Pubmed! A collaborator's work finally got published into Cancer Cell, and I'm the last student author on the list haha. It's something at least!
Met a Sudanese volunteer in the ED today. She is actually a medical student who has already taken her PGY1, and has volunteered in the states in order to apply for residency here. As in England, the medical system in Sudan involves enrolling in medical school immediately after high school. They take exams equivalent to the Steps 1 and 2 for the USMLE, and these tests only qualify them for residencies in Sudan. She said something about the program specialties not being rigorous enough, so she and her family immigrated to the United States. She still has family there, but wanted to spend her time in the United States trying to get into a Family Medicine program.
Being the person that I am, I asked her if she knew of any excellent Sudanese restaurants in town. I told her that I knew Ethiopia was pretty close to Sudan, and listed New Eritrea as a restaurant that I frequented when Poorneel was in town. In fact, she actually knows the owners of the restaurant. Things like these do not really surprise me anymore in San Francisco- it is a small world upon itself.
Authorship. Better times on runs. Secondaries coming in, even before my primary application is verified. Things are looking up this week!
I don't want to go up to Davis with R&D just to run a 5K. It would be very uncomfortable and awkward being alone in a car with him for that long.
Other accomplishments of the week: I finally have an entry in Pubmed! A collaborator's work finally got published into Cancer Cell, and I'm the last student author on the list haha. It's something at least!
Met a Sudanese volunteer in the ED today. She is actually a medical student who has already taken her PGY1, and has volunteered in the states in order to apply for residency here. As in England, the medical system in Sudan involves enrolling in medical school immediately after high school. They take exams equivalent to the Steps 1 and 2 for the USMLE, and these tests only qualify them for residencies in Sudan. She said something about the program specialties not being rigorous enough, so she and her family immigrated to the United States. She still has family there, but wanted to spend her time in the United States trying to get into a Family Medicine program.
Being the person that I am, I asked her if she knew of any excellent Sudanese restaurants in town. I told her that I knew Ethiopia was pretty close to Sudan, and listed New Eritrea as a restaurant that I frequented when Poorneel was in town. In fact, she actually knows the owners of the restaurant. Things like these do not really surprise me anymore in San Francisco- it is a small world upon itself.
Authorship. Better times on runs. Secondaries coming in, even before my primary application is verified. Things are looking up this week!
8.30.2011
immortality
Forgive me for the brief posts, but my mind is filled with several tasks with which to fulfill in order to move on with my life.
One pal in the neighboring lab has been kind enough to send me some of the secondary essay prompts, in order for me to fill them out before my application is processed, before secondaries just start piling up in my inbox.
So the current list (8):
Cincinnati (Kenneth Campbell!)
Tufts (this one has been challenging because of the research available)
Case (Jeremy Rich!)
Emory (Marla Luskin! I think...)
USC
Rush
UC Davis
Illinois
My plan is to not ask him for any more essays until I finish these. That way, it'll motivate me to complete these quicker in order to ask him for more prompts.
That's the plan, folks. Resolve! (as Nants would put it)
---update: I can confirm prompts for 24 of 27 schools. I should have started this weekend! ---
Should I add Yale, Vermont, and UMass-Worcester?
One pal in the neighboring lab has been kind enough to send me some of the secondary essay prompts, in order for me to fill them out before my application is processed, before secondaries just start piling up in my inbox.
So the current list (8):
Cincinnati (Kenneth Campbell!)
Tufts (this one has been challenging because of the research available)
Case (Jeremy Rich!)
Emory (Marla Luskin! I think...)
USC
Rush
UC Davis
Illinois
My plan is to not ask him for any more essays until I finish these. That way, it'll motivate me to complete these quicker in order to ask him for more prompts.
That's the plan, folks. Resolve! (as Nants would put it)
---update: I can confirm prompts for 24 of 27 schools. I should have started this weekend! ---
Should I add Yale, Vermont, and UMass-Worcester?
8.29.2011
pulse-chase
Currently, I have received 2 secondary applications so far, even without my primary application having been verified by AMCAS.
Is that a good sign, or are those schools just not selective just yet?
I'm looking at the research available. One school has great research and a great hospital but is located within a terrible city (so I've been told) within the Midwest. The other school has minimal research and is nestled within a decently diverse city. If split between these two cases, I would pick the quality research over the city. My reasoning is that I really don't enjoy much of the city aside from the food and the weather. As long as there's a cold season, nothing could bring me down.
My lab mate Mant should be coming back this week, with tales of her adventures in India. She told me before her trip that she would be riding elephants and hiking through some lush jungle. She better have the pictures to back this up.
Not much else is really happening outside of work. I have resumed running- R&D wants me to run some race with him on Sunday, although I am very much out of shape and have no desire to pay money, drive to a city 2 hours away, run, and then come back during a weekend when I should be writing or resting. Also, passing the qualifying exam has not done any good to his ego. It's still big as ever! Sometimes I wish I did not catch the mistakes that he often makes while performing experiments. It makes me think less of him as a scientist each time he makes the same error.
3 letters of recommendation have been sent to my pre-health committee. The only 2 remaining are my ED volunteer coordinator and my PI. Hopefully these 5 letters will compose some laudatory image in the minds of the admissions committees, but how well do people really know me? If people directly asked me questions, I don't think I would beat around the bush with my response. My replies are usually straightforward, honestly blunt. If people don't appreciate what I try to say in order to help them, how will they react against other people who say things simply to hurt their feelings? In any case, penning the essays for my application required much more self-reflection than I had expected. This was both good and bad for me, good in that I have a clearer answer in my head about why I want to help people and do research, and bad in that I had to access buried memories or feelings towards people who have died.
Tonight's plan will be trying to go to sleep early (failed- it's already midnight...) and waking up early to have a healthy breakfast before running in my other new pair of shoes. 8 pairs of running shoes lie across the floor of my bedroom closet. I have run in only 62.5% of them while the thought of purchasing another pair has crossed my mind more than once this past week. Goodnight!
Is that a good sign, or are those schools just not selective just yet?
I'm looking at the research available. One school has great research and a great hospital but is located within a terrible city (so I've been told) within the Midwest. The other school has minimal research and is nestled within a decently diverse city. If split between these two cases, I would pick the quality research over the city. My reasoning is that I really don't enjoy much of the city aside from the food and the weather. As long as there's a cold season, nothing could bring me down.
My lab mate Mant should be coming back this week, with tales of her adventures in India. She told me before her trip that she would be riding elephants and hiking through some lush jungle. She better have the pictures to back this up.
Not much else is really happening outside of work. I have resumed running- R&D wants me to run some race with him on Sunday, although I am very much out of shape and have no desire to pay money, drive to a city 2 hours away, run, and then come back during a weekend when I should be writing or resting. Also, passing the qualifying exam has not done any good to his ego. It's still big as ever! Sometimes I wish I did not catch the mistakes that he often makes while performing experiments. It makes me think less of him as a scientist each time he makes the same error.
3 letters of recommendation have been sent to my pre-health committee. The only 2 remaining are my ED volunteer coordinator and my PI. Hopefully these 5 letters will compose some laudatory image in the minds of the admissions committees, but how well do people really know me? If people directly asked me questions, I don't think I would beat around the bush with my response. My replies are usually straightforward, honestly blunt. If people don't appreciate what I try to say in order to help them, how will they react against other people who say things simply to hurt their feelings? In any case, penning the essays for my application required much more self-reflection than I had expected. This was both good and bad for me, good in that I have a clearer answer in my head about why I want to help people and do research, and bad in that I had to access buried memories or feelings towards people who have died.
Tonight's plan will be trying to go to sleep early (failed- it's already midnight...) and waking up early to have a healthy breakfast before running in my other new pair of shoes. 8 pairs of running shoes lie across the floor of my bedroom closet. I have run in only 62.5% of them while the thought of purchasing another pair has crossed my mind more than once this past week. Goodnight!
8.27.2011
beta blockers
Lessons from the Emergency Department last week.
This patient was lying in a gurney.
NaCl hanging up high. Pressure. Flow rate. Bernoulli's equation? If below vein, blood backflows. Push additional saline into IV to prevent clotting, backflow of blood.
Low HR. Average 60-100. Unless you're an athlete.
Pulse/Ox.
Best moment of the night: "Thank you... for all you've done today!"
This old gentleman was pacing about in the ED during my volunteer shift, and I was concerned that he was just lost, so I just walked up to him and asked, "Sir, are you lost? Can I help you?"
He wasn't lost- he was just walking back and forth down the hallway because he was waiting for his wife in x-ray. He thanked me and went about his pacing ways.
Later on in the night, he was walking around again, so I asked him if he needed anything. In his hand was a card that he had picked up from a patient, possibly his wife, and she forgot to take it up with her. She was apparently admitted to the hospital, and this card contained information about transplants. I told him that I would find her and return that card to her, to which he thanked me profusely.
It always embarrasses me when the patients thank me. As much as I appreciate the feeling, it never feels like I did enough to earn their gratitude.
Tonight I will be summarizing a few patient stories to send to my ED volunteer coordinator, in order to highlight some poignant interactions I've had while volunteering here.
This patient was lying in a gurney.
NaCl hanging up high. Pressure. Flow rate. Bernoulli's equation? If below vein, blood backflows. Push additional saline into IV to prevent clotting, backflow of blood.
Low HR. Average 60-100. Unless you're an athlete.
Pulse/Ox.
Best moment of the night: "Thank you... for all you've done today!"
This old gentleman was pacing about in the ED during my volunteer shift, and I was concerned that he was just lost, so I just walked up to him and asked, "Sir, are you lost? Can I help you?"
He wasn't lost- he was just walking back and forth down the hallway because he was waiting for his wife in x-ray. He thanked me and went about his pacing ways.
Later on in the night, he was walking around again, so I asked him if he needed anything. In his hand was a card that he had picked up from a patient, possibly his wife, and she forgot to take it up with her. She was apparently admitted to the hospital, and this card contained information about transplants. I told him that I would find her and return that card to her, to which he thanked me profusely.
It always embarrasses me when the patients thank me. As much as I appreciate the feeling, it never feels like I did enough to earn their gratitude.
Tonight I will be summarizing a few patient stories to send to my ED volunteer coordinator, in order to highlight some poignant interactions I've had while volunteering here.
8.24.2011
primary colors
8.23.11
Primary application submitted.
8.24.11
Secondary from University of Cincinnati received.
Checked the research faculty: not bad! Checked the neuro department: not bad!
Their children's hospital has a very good reputation I hear.
Finished everything except the research portion. Will fill that in tonight.
Essays I know I could work on:
Pittsburgh
Minnesota
Illinois
Colorado
I think I'll cover 4 schools per day after work. I am really behind on lab work, so I'm planning on spending time to resume my projects and mouse crosses while working on essays after 5 PM.
New plan: run in the mornings before work, work, and then write essays while doing calisthenics to relieve stress.
Primary application submitted.
8.24.11
Secondary from University of Cincinnati received.
Checked the research faculty: not bad! Checked the neuro department: not bad!
Their children's hospital has a very good reputation I hear.
Finished everything except the research portion. Will fill that in tonight.
Essays I know I could work on:
Pittsburgh
Minnesota
Illinois
Colorado
I think I'll cover 4 schools per day after work. I am really behind on lab work, so I'm planning on spending time to resume my projects and mouse crosses while working on essays after 5 PM.
New plan: run in the mornings before work, work, and then write essays while doing calisthenics to relieve stress.
8.21.2011
The Fray
One drawback to introspection is that when I dig deep to pull out my real reasons for becoming a doctor, those reasons are intimately linked to emotions.
As a consequence, these reasons turn into water and attempt to force their way out of my eye sockets.
However, I have trained myself for such circumstances, so only a film develops over my cornea.
My mother sent me another email a few days ago, declaring that she missed me. How different are Asian parents from one family to the next? I compare myself to Nants, and it seems as though she has more parental pressure. In my case, my mom and dad just miss me, so she send out emails to my brother and me wondering what we are up to. Perhaps I mentioned this in an earlier post, but in any case, she wrote a previous email stating how proud she was of me in relation to my promotion at work.
From my experience in Nants' phone calls with her parents, maybe Asian parents raise a male and female differently. I remember reading a while back that Asian girls tended to have higher suicide rates than any other ethnicity, possibly due to social pressures and expectations.
Something about this just can't be right. Sometimes I feel that parents should be proud if their children turn out to be good and nice. That isn't asking for much, is it? If their progeny turn out to be genuinely decent human beings, what more is there to ask of them?
As a consequence, these reasons turn into water and attempt to force their way out of my eye sockets.
However, I have trained myself for such circumstances, so only a film develops over my cornea.
My mother sent me another email a few days ago, declaring that she missed me. How different are Asian parents from one family to the next? I compare myself to Nants, and it seems as though she has more parental pressure. In my case, my mom and dad just miss me, so she send out emails to my brother and me wondering what we are up to. Perhaps I mentioned this in an earlier post, but in any case, she wrote a previous email stating how proud she was of me in relation to my promotion at work.
From my experience in Nants' phone calls with her parents, maybe Asian parents raise a male and female differently. I remember reading a while back that Asian girls tended to have higher suicide rates than any other ethnicity, possibly due to social pressures and expectations.
Something about this just can't be right. Sometimes I feel that parents should be proud if their children turn out to be good and nice. That isn't asking for much, is it? If their progeny turn out to be genuinely decent human beings, what more is there to ask of them?
8.20.2011
coke girl
After going through multiple iterations of what is essentially the same thing, I am left wondering a few things:
Am I a good person?
Is this path worth it?
If I had to guess, I would think that doctors think about these two questions as the number of years increases. Once school begins, the countdown also starts. Time is the investment, and the return you get is increasing doubt, leave alone debt.
What factors, then, keeps one afloat in this turbulent sea? Confidence, or optimism?
There are cases where some people fall off board and opt for one degree. Where is the commitment? Does that only happen to the commitment-phobes, or do they suddenly reflect on who they were and what they have become, only to realize that what they see in the mirror is no longer a reflection of themselves?
Hope is what I stow away inside, in my own hiding place, to help push me towards the future. That hiding place is different from the one where I lock up my emotions.
Am I a good person?
Is this path worth it?
If I had to guess, I would think that doctors think about these two questions as the number of years increases. Once school begins, the countdown also starts. Time is the investment, and the return you get is increasing doubt, leave alone debt.
What factors, then, keeps one afloat in this turbulent sea? Confidence, or optimism?
There are cases where some people fall off board and opt for one degree. Where is the commitment? Does that only happen to the commitment-phobes, or do they suddenly reflect on who they were and what they have become, only to realize that what they see in the mirror is no longer a reflection of themselves?
Hope is what I stow away inside, in my own hiding place, to help push me towards the future. That hiding place is different from the one where I lock up my emotions.
8.19.2011
bitter dreams
+1.
1 more dream about R&D. Sigh.
This time, it involved a bed.
He was laying in bed, and I needed a place to sleep.
The dream first began with me walking around a neighborhood reminiscent of the setting from the Prince of Persia videogames, where we would travel around on rooftops, walking past several restaurants clustered nearby.
I was traveling with a friend from high school, who used to do CosPlay (and still does, I believe), and we could not decide on a restaurant in which to dine. Eventually, we picked some place in an obscure corner hidden by the other structures. It felt like Thai food... no, I couldn't taste it for some reason in my dream; there was just this feeling of spicy and sweet lingering around in the air.
During our post-dinner walk, I probed her with questions concerning her personal life. The only question that seemed to put her on edge was the one about her husband. She at once became despondent, not wanting to comment further on that part of her life.
In any case, I returned to a room, and R&D was laying there. Someone had already occupied the floor. Being a queen- to king-size bed, I had commanded him to move over so that I could rest on the other half of the bed. In no mood to argue, he continued to bring up excuses as to why I couldn't have that side. Not that I was eager to share a bed with him, as that made me extremely uncomfortable.
Eventually he gave in, and we were sleeping head-to-toe, but this wasn't where the dream ended. He tossed and turned, turned right onto my body- his hairy skin contacted mine, sending shivers up my spine. My problems with intimacy immediately revealed itself on my face, red with embarrassment.
The feeling of trying to even be hugged by R&D pushed my consciousness above the subconscious, back into the comforting reality and emptiness of my own bed.
Suffice to say, I need to find a way to eliminate the possibility of these dreams ever happening again.
1 more dream about R&D. Sigh.
This time, it involved a bed.
He was laying in bed, and I needed a place to sleep.
The dream first began with me walking around a neighborhood reminiscent of the setting from the Prince of Persia videogames, where we would travel around on rooftops, walking past several restaurants clustered nearby.
I was traveling with a friend from high school, who used to do CosPlay (and still does, I believe), and we could not decide on a restaurant in which to dine. Eventually, we picked some place in an obscure corner hidden by the other structures. It felt like Thai food... no, I couldn't taste it for some reason in my dream; there was just this feeling of spicy and sweet lingering around in the air.
During our post-dinner walk, I probed her with questions concerning her personal life. The only question that seemed to put her on edge was the one about her husband. She at once became despondent, not wanting to comment further on that part of her life.
In any case, I returned to a room, and R&D was laying there. Someone had already occupied the floor. Being a queen- to king-size bed, I had commanded him to move over so that I could rest on the other half of the bed. In no mood to argue, he continued to bring up excuses as to why I couldn't have that side. Not that I was eager to share a bed with him, as that made me extremely uncomfortable.
Eventually he gave in, and we were sleeping head-to-toe, but this wasn't where the dream ended. He tossed and turned, turned right onto my body- his hairy skin contacted mine, sending shivers up my spine. My problems with intimacy immediately revealed itself on my face, red with embarrassment.
The feeling of trying to even be hugged by R&D pushed my consciousness above the subconscious, back into the comforting reality and emptiness of my own bed.
Suffice to say, I need to find a way to eliminate the possibility of these dreams ever happening again.
sterling cooper
I tried to anesthetize a mouse today, and it bit me. The mouse was a male, so it was surprising because usually when we handle mice, the females are the more aggressive ones when it comes to scruffing. This mouse was specifically for Mant- I had to take care of it for her while she is currently traveling through India, celebrating a friend's wedding. She will be getting Henna tattoos all over her hands, riding elephants, and eating never-ending Indian cuisine served on banana leaves. India would be one destination I'd like to visit in the next year, along with Tibet, Australia, Europe, and South America. The problem is that I usually do not enjoy traveling unless it's work-related or has a purpose. Which is why I have been trying for the longest time to get people to come with me to Nepal to volunteer at an orphanage or hospital. People simple don't think that they can remove themselves from civilization, devoid of internet, for merely 2 weeks.
Maybe Clare was in fact accurate in his assessment of me. Maybe I do obsess over people.
Sometimes I think I like observing people simply to analyze them.
R&D needed some help on how to process the microarray data, and so I sat there next to him for most of the afternoon. I couldn't do much since he was at the helm, steering the windows on the computer to whatever panel he was interesting in viewing at the time. Therefore, I just stared at him.
He has a scar on his left middle knuckle, and an abrasion on the other, quite possibly from scraping a surface. I was inclined to ask him how he cut himself to get that scar, but he was staringly intently at the computer screen monitor, so I didn't want to disturb him.
The cuticles are also very pronounced on his fingernails. The whites elongate for about 2 to 3 mm before the pink of the nail emerges and fills the rest of the nail bed.
His arms are quite hairy; in fact, I believe they're the hairiest arms in lab. Underneath that forest of hair is a nice skin tone, even though it does not match with his upper arms nor his torso.
Errant hairs lie all about his neck, from front to back. In the front, one hair is emanating from a mole, which indicates that it's not cancerous. Definitely a good sign that it's not cancer. Other hairs sprout out from his back- I'm hardly comfortable with my body, being almost entirely smooth all over, and those hairs did nothing to ease my discomfort.
The elbows definitely aren't dry, and I can tell his skin is semi-soft, based off the numerous times he uncomfortably brushed against my arms. I'm not entirely sure why I prefer not to be touched, but the slightest skin contact with R&D made me uncomfortable.
Don't even get me started with the ears. Tiny bits of earwax are sprinkled on the outside perimeter, which could account for his difficulty in hearing sentences I say to him. The pinna are thin, which made me wonder if this was due to the birthing process. I've only heard that baby's head shapes can be altered because of the birth canal as well as how the baby sleeps in their bed. Discount the freckles on the nose and the recessed, narrowly positioned eyes.
This habit of his was only noticeable in the beginning, but it seems to happen whenever his eyes are concentrated on staring at something while actively working to find a solution. Does not matter if it's the microscope room, dissection scope, or simply staring at microarray data.
--- Ok, after some time I fell asleep. Now it's 12:42 AM, and I have food regurgitating up my esophagus. Not a pleasant feeling AT ALL. Should I stay up and write some more? ---
I should.
Maybe Clare was in fact accurate in his assessment of me. Maybe I do obsess over people.
Sometimes I think I like observing people simply to analyze them.
R&D needed some help on how to process the microarray data, and so I sat there next to him for most of the afternoon. I couldn't do much since he was at the helm, steering the windows on the computer to whatever panel he was interesting in viewing at the time. Therefore, I just stared at him.
He has a scar on his left middle knuckle, and an abrasion on the other, quite possibly from scraping a surface. I was inclined to ask him how he cut himself to get that scar, but he was staringly intently at the computer screen monitor, so I didn't want to disturb him.
The cuticles are also very pronounced on his fingernails. The whites elongate for about 2 to 3 mm before the pink of the nail emerges and fills the rest of the nail bed.
His arms are quite hairy; in fact, I believe they're the hairiest arms in lab. Underneath that forest of hair is a nice skin tone, even though it does not match with his upper arms nor his torso.
Errant hairs lie all about his neck, from front to back. In the front, one hair is emanating from a mole, which indicates that it's not cancerous. Definitely a good sign that it's not cancer. Other hairs sprout out from his back- I'm hardly comfortable with my body, being almost entirely smooth all over, and those hairs did nothing to ease my discomfort.
The elbows definitely aren't dry, and I can tell his skin is semi-soft, based off the numerous times he uncomfortably brushed against my arms. I'm not entirely sure why I prefer not to be touched, but the slightest skin contact with R&D made me uncomfortable.
Don't even get me started with the ears. Tiny bits of earwax are sprinkled on the outside perimeter, which could account for his difficulty in hearing sentences I say to him. The pinna are thin, which made me wonder if this was due to the birthing process. I've only heard that baby's head shapes can be altered because of the birth canal as well as how the baby sleeps in their bed. Discount the freckles on the nose and the recessed, narrowly positioned eyes.
This habit of his was only noticeable in the beginning, but it seems to happen whenever his eyes are concentrated on staring at something while actively working to find a solution. Does not matter if it's the microscope room, dissection scope, or simply staring at microarray data.
--- Ok, after some time I fell asleep. Now it's 12:42 AM, and I have food regurgitating up my esophagus. Not a pleasant feeling AT ALL. Should I stay up and write some more? ---
I should.
8.17.2011
plaid and sand
11/18/11. 7:38 PM. That was when my grandfather passed away.
The following Thanksgiving WAS pretty grim, considering we spent almost the entire week mourning his loss through the funeral, the procession, and the rituals to cleanse or free his spirit from this plane of existence.
I have finished now 2 of the 3 essays required for my application. Later tonight I will be working on the Significant Research Experience section, which SHOULD be the easiest essay to fill out. However, this time, I would like my essay to replicate story time. I want to compose an essay that explicitly details the rationale behind the project, why it is important, and its implications or contributions to the current body of knowledge. I hope I can convey that through 10,000 characters. I should be able to, if afforded that much space.
Once I finish that extensive report, I should revise my activities section. The medical student that is still rotating in our lab, even though he is on preceptorship, offered the advice that I should briefly describe the activity, state my involvement, and what I learned or got out of that experience. I really hope that I don't have to related these activities to why I want to do medicine- that would just come off, again, as cheesy to me.
Ugh, R&D is back from Mission Bay. And I was so productive, too, today during his absence.
For volunteering, which I will attend at 5:00 PM, I have been wearing these same black "dress" slacks from H&M. Stiff as cardboard, they finally ripped a month ago at the bottom, where I roll them up so that they do not drag along the ground. The seams are bursting everywhere- in the crotch region and at the knees.
The person with whom I used to volunteer has moved finally to Larkspur? It might have been Alameda... just when I thought my memory had never been better, it fails me.
Okay, enough of this writing break. Time to return to my other writings.
The following Thanksgiving WAS pretty grim, considering we spent almost the entire week mourning his loss through the funeral, the procession, and the rituals to cleanse or free his spirit from this plane of existence.
I have finished now 2 of the 3 essays required for my application. Later tonight I will be working on the Significant Research Experience section, which SHOULD be the easiest essay to fill out. However, this time, I would like my essay to replicate story time. I want to compose an essay that explicitly details the rationale behind the project, why it is important, and its implications or contributions to the current body of knowledge. I hope I can convey that through 10,000 characters. I should be able to, if afforded that much space.
Once I finish that extensive report, I should revise my activities section. The medical student that is still rotating in our lab, even though he is on preceptorship, offered the advice that I should briefly describe the activity, state my involvement, and what I learned or got out of that experience. I really hope that I don't have to related these activities to why I want to do medicine- that would just come off, again, as cheesy to me.
Ugh, R&D is back from Mission Bay. And I was so productive, too, today during his absence.
For volunteering, which I will attend at 5:00 PM, I have been wearing these same black "dress" slacks from H&M. Stiff as cardboard, they finally ripped a month ago at the bottom, where I roll them up so that they do not drag along the ground. The seams are bursting everywhere- in the crotch region and at the knees.
The person with whom I used to volunteer has moved finally to Larkspur? It might have been Alameda... just when I thought my memory had never been better, it fails me.
Okay, enough of this writing break. Time to return to my other writings.
8.14.2011
back 2 school
I think I may have to hold off on additional blog entries this week as well as next week.
One MSTP in my lab, R&D, is having his qualification exam next week. He will be presenting a practice talk tomorrow.
I am also focusing on writing my essays and finishing my application so that I can send them in this week ASAP. I have delayed it for too long, but hopefully not too long. The most reasonable course of action now is to turn in my application, and quickly write all my secondary essays so that they can be sent in conjunction with my letters of recommendation. If turned in at the same time, I believe my application shouldn't be too late in the cycle. It would be halfway between the early birds and late risers, which isn't too terrible of a spot to be in.
We'll see.
So the point of this short story is to say that, besides helping that selfish oaf in my lab, I will also be thinking of myself for once and focusing on my personal future career goals.
I hope you don't mind.
Oh, and I will also be focusing more on New Yorker Journal Club once these essays are finished. Another activity I want to be involved in for the short term is clinical neuroanatomy with Janey. I want to try to keep up with the notes for that class, not necessarily the reading, but the lectures should be informative as well. Although, I guess I could also be preparing for interviews. Perhaps that's the type of positive mindset I need to have. If I believe in receiving an interview, and I actively prepare for them, then it will surely come to me, no?
Let's test out this theory, shall we?
One MSTP in my lab, R&D, is having his qualification exam next week. He will be presenting a practice talk tomorrow.
I am also focusing on writing my essays and finishing my application so that I can send them in this week ASAP. I have delayed it for too long, but hopefully not too long. The most reasonable course of action now is to turn in my application, and quickly write all my secondary essays so that they can be sent in conjunction with my letters of recommendation. If turned in at the same time, I believe my application shouldn't be too late in the cycle. It would be halfway between the early birds and late risers, which isn't too terrible of a spot to be in.
We'll see.
So the point of this short story is to say that, besides helping that selfish oaf in my lab, I will also be thinking of myself for once and focusing on my personal future career goals.
I hope you don't mind.
Oh, and I will also be focusing more on New Yorker Journal Club once these essays are finished. Another activity I want to be involved in for the short term is clinical neuroanatomy with Janey. I want to try to keep up with the notes for that class, not necessarily the reading, but the lectures should be informative as well. Although, I guess I could also be preparing for interviews. Perhaps that's the type of positive mindset I need to have. If I believe in receiving an interview, and I actively prepare for them, then it will surely come to me, no?
Let's test out this theory, shall we?
8.12.2011
Roswell
Do you believe that people are ultimately good?
I've always perceived that every individual comes into this world with a blank slate. They are clean, they are pure. Untainted by the world, we slowly begin to open our eyes.
The "lab manager" did not come to lab this morning. He texted the postdoc he worked with, informing him that his friend is in serious condition, so he would either come in later or not at all.
One would find themselves sympathetic to the victim in this circumstance, yet if you knew this person, you would not be surprised if you hesitated on doling out your regards. Coming back to lab from the mouse facility, I find this person sitting with his lab coat on, playing games yet again on his iPhone, and chatting with friends on his gmail and facebook accounts, smiling the entire time. Was his friend actually in a "serious" condition? Or was he just hungover from the night before, and this employee found an excuse to ditch work?
After everything I've been through, I sometimes find myself jaded by people who throw out these excuses. I only associate serious situations with near-death experiences or death of a loved one. That criteria is probably too stringent for most people, but if that's what I apply to myself, should I be faulted for treating others the same way I treat myself?
One example would be when my grandfather passed away. I was just sitting there, watching "The West Side Story" with my lab mates, and I get a text from my brother, with the official time of death. The one comfort was knowing that he died with a smile on his face. Regardless, I finished watching the show with my coworkers, and went to work the next day. Finding the entire place still in a mess, not cleaned up nor organized while I was away at a conference, I spent the entire weekend cleaning everything up and organizing all our supplies. No absence from work. On the contrary, I spent the entire weekend dealing with lab organization.
This topic is too negative for my tastes right now. Expect another post!
I've always perceived that every individual comes into this world with a blank slate. They are clean, they are pure. Untainted by the world, we slowly begin to open our eyes.
The "lab manager" did not come to lab this morning. He texted the postdoc he worked with, informing him that his friend is in serious condition, so he would either come in later or not at all.
One would find themselves sympathetic to the victim in this circumstance, yet if you knew this person, you would not be surprised if you hesitated on doling out your regards. Coming back to lab from the mouse facility, I find this person sitting with his lab coat on, playing games yet again on his iPhone, and chatting with friends on his gmail and facebook accounts, smiling the entire time. Was his friend actually in a "serious" condition? Or was he just hungover from the night before, and this employee found an excuse to ditch work?
After everything I've been through, I sometimes find myself jaded by people who throw out these excuses. I only associate serious situations with near-death experiences or death of a loved one. That criteria is probably too stringent for most people, but if that's what I apply to myself, should I be faulted for treating others the same way I treat myself?
One example would be when my grandfather passed away. I was just sitting there, watching "The West Side Story" with my lab mates, and I get a text from my brother, with the official time of death. The one comfort was knowing that he died with a smile on his face. Regardless, I finished watching the show with my coworkers, and went to work the next day. Finding the entire place still in a mess, not cleaned up nor organized while I was away at a conference, I spent the entire weekend cleaning everything up and organizing all our supplies. No absence from work. On the contrary, I spent the entire weekend dealing with lab organization.
This topic is too negative for my tastes right now. Expect another post!
8.10.2011
Jose Ole
Nothing of note tonight in the Emergency Department. It was certainly filled with several residents and medical students. Even the medical students themselves state that the nurses are nicer. I wonder why. What is it about the medical field that turns it into a clique?
I barely even traversed the hallway when a resident, upon eyeing me, starts pulling the curtain ever closer towards the doorframe, obscuring the patient from my view. Isn't learning a privilege? Why would a person revoke another person's right to be educated?
Afterwards, all I saw was somebody on the bus whose facial profile/silhouette reminded me of Drab. Nothing particularly fascinating about his face strikes me; I just notice details in people for some odd reason.
what's the most exciting part of my day? When I emailed my biochemistry professor from San Francisco State, asking for a letter of recommendation, she replied that she indeed remembered me. It's nice to know that you have a lasting impression in someone's mind, even if it has been 2 years since you last communicated with them. I honestly did enjoy her class, too, even if I were really bad at it.
I barely even traversed the hallway when a resident, upon eyeing me, starts pulling the curtain ever closer towards the doorframe, obscuring the patient from my view. Isn't learning a privilege? Why would a person revoke another person's right to be educated?
Afterwards, all I saw was somebody on the bus whose facial profile/silhouette reminded me of Drab. Nothing particularly fascinating about his face strikes me; I just notice details in people for some odd reason.
what's the most exciting part of my day? When I emailed my biochemistry professor from San Francisco State, asking for a letter of recommendation, she replied that she indeed remembered me. It's nice to know that you have a lasting impression in someone's mind, even if it has been 2 years since you last communicated with them. I honestly did enjoy her class, too, even if I were really bad at it.
8.09.2011
soul man
Easy listening for one is how I would describe the album Drab gave me for my birthday not so long ago. Not so long ago... is 4 years not a long time? Easy commitment, as Clare told me.
The new landlady scheduled an appointment from 7:00 AM to 6:00 PM today for the apartment to be heated so that most animal and/or life-forms should not survive. She hired an exterminator to come treat our recurring bedbug problem. Well, not MY bedbug problem, but the problem that's pervasive to the second floor of the house. Anyhow, pest control is placing heaters within every person's room, setting the temperature to 140 degrees Fahrenheit for the entire day. In theory, this is the most effective, yet costly, method of dealing with bedbugs.
I went through my secret boxes and various drawers/containers to remove photos from the living quarters, as the landlady said that they would melt at that temperature. This situation was interesting- I had to choose which belongings to take with me to essentially preserve.
What was most important to me at the time? My passport, licenses, checkbooks, and other government-issued identification. Alongside that, I packed into my shoe bag postcards from Kaiser, and this cd from Drab.
"Love Songs for Siu: Round Inside." To reiterate, the cover detailed 2 hearts encircling both of our heads, with embarrassing facial expressions directed towards each other. On the inside cover is a 17-track listing of songs, and at the bottom is the word "FOREVER," in all-caps, with the letter 'o' being replaced by a heart. UGH!
Hold on a minute. That's not the end of it. On the CD itself, Drab has written, "Siu to You my Love," and on the bottom, "Love Songs from Brad."
I suppose the terrible handwriting could be attributed to his sinister nature, but aren't there lefties in the world with excellent handwriting? I suppose right-handedness of hand doesn't say much, since R&D is a righty, but his writing is terrible in form.
Synthesizers all in my head! Excellent!
Where was I going with this? I think I was trying to warm up so that I would spend time writing other things.
Adios.
The new landlady scheduled an appointment from 7:00 AM to 6:00 PM today for the apartment to be heated so that most animal and/or life-forms should not survive. She hired an exterminator to come treat our recurring bedbug problem. Well, not MY bedbug problem, but the problem that's pervasive to the second floor of the house. Anyhow, pest control is placing heaters within every person's room, setting the temperature to 140 degrees Fahrenheit for the entire day. In theory, this is the most effective, yet costly, method of dealing with bedbugs.
I went through my secret boxes and various drawers/containers to remove photos from the living quarters, as the landlady said that they would melt at that temperature. This situation was interesting- I had to choose which belongings to take with me to essentially preserve.
What was most important to me at the time? My passport, licenses, checkbooks, and other government-issued identification. Alongside that, I packed into my shoe bag postcards from Kaiser, and this cd from Drab.
"Love Songs for Siu: Round Inside." To reiterate, the cover detailed 2 hearts encircling both of our heads, with embarrassing facial expressions directed towards each other. On the inside cover is a 17-track listing of songs, and at the bottom is the word "FOREVER," in all-caps, with the letter 'o' being replaced by a heart. UGH!
Hold on a minute. That's not the end of it. On the CD itself, Drab has written, "Siu to You my Love," and on the bottom, "Love Songs from Brad."
I suppose the terrible handwriting could be attributed to his sinister nature, but aren't there lefties in the world with excellent handwriting? I suppose right-handedness of hand doesn't say much, since R&D is a righty, but his writing is terrible in form.
Synthesizers all in my head! Excellent!
Where was I going with this? I think I was trying to warm up so that I would spend time writing other things.
Adios.
8.08.2011
Lo Profile
You reach a certain threshold, and once you hit that barrier, all hell breaks loose.
I'm starting to resent my lab again. I used to target and channel this anger towards mainly one person, from the lab manager, to my boss.
Now I'm stuck at this stage, where I find almost everybody annoying to an extent.
My frustration is directed at the arrogant graduate student sitting behind me.
How was he raised, to turn out into someone as messed up as he is? One problem with MSTP's is that they act just as entitled, if not more so, than any other medical student Nants sees in Dallas. They think that nothing is ever their fault, even when the evidence is clear that their laziness pervades every aspect of lab work. What is the point in trying my hardest to help them out, when they turn out to be nothing more than arrogant, selfish, insecure, dick heads?
I have been so annoyed with the one sitting behind me. I think I have lost respect for him. How can somebody be so oblivious to the garbage that flies out from their mouth? I have reached my limit where I try to hold myself back from blurting out," Why are you such a fucking asshole?"
Mant was probably correct in her advice. Maybe I should tell him why he was out of line. I shouldn't expect people to be intuitive about these situations, but how can these so-called future doctors not be able to draw from context clues? It's surprising how they can be emotional morons, and this comes from somebody who rarely feels anything towards another human being.
Maybe I am just finding a reason to leave my work. I do not feel productive anymore when I enter the workplace. I have been in an oddly frozen status for 4 years, and nobody around me has changed. It always seems as though I bend over backwards to help out everyone around me, putting myself before them every single time. I thought that was what it meant to be altruistic, some obscure quality I thought all doctors should possess. The more I interact with these future physician-scientists, the less inclined I am to believe in the good of our future.
Most likely I am just venting, but there is always some grain of truth to what is spoken when one is angry. Am I angry? Maybe that's what I'm feeling right now.
I can't believe I even prepared all the mouse crosses for this prick. For all his future experiments, I set up the appropriate mouse crosses in order for him to graduate within 4 years, because lord knows, this guy cannot plan ahead when it comes to his experiments, let alone perform them correctly. He can't clone, he waits a month before even freezing down his virus, and his pups get cannibalized for 6 months before any even survive childbirth. Would it be wrong of me to just sacrifice those mice, and let him spend the next few years setting up his mouse crosses, waiting for the correct pups to be born, delaying his experiments for months?
*Aside* somebody's screaming my name from outside my door. Who is it?
Turns out, they were my roommates from the top floor. They locked themselves outside trying to throw the garbage away. What is it with boys calling out my name all the time- it must be the city.
*Another aside* DEAR LORD this ginseng chrysanthemum with honey drink is disgusting!
Maybe I DO "hate" R&D, even though one postdoc, and most of my Rice friends, tease me about being in love with him.
You know what it boils down to? It's that feeling one has where they try to put their faith in somebody else, thinking that, hey, this person could be a really good friend that I would want to keep for the rest of my life, and then falling flat on your face, getting mud kicked in it for further embarrassment. It's the effort you put into thinking that somebody else could be worth your time, no matter how short your lifespan may be, and then becoming disappointed after the fact, realizing that you made a mistake. Maybe I'm angry that it was my choice that was the mistake, and I thought I would be good at picking lifelong friends by now.
I compare him to Drab, and Drab would never do that to me. Drab is a genuinely decent person. Never egotistical, and certainly seems more interested in science for the sake of enjoying it, is how I would compare the two.
Why can't times be more relaxing, like Suntory Time?
I'm starting to resent my lab again. I used to target and channel this anger towards mainly one person, from the lab manager, to my boss.
Now I'm stuck at this stage, where I find almost everybody annoying to an extent.
My frustration is directed at the arrogant graduate student sitting behind me.
How was he raised, to turn out into someone as messed up as he is? One problem with MSTP's is that they act just as entitled, if not more so, than any other medical student Nants sees in Dallas. They think that nothing is ever their fault, even when the evidence is clear that their laziness pervades every aspect of lab work. What is the point in trying my hardest to help them out, when they turn out to be nothing more than arrogant, selfish, insecure, dick heads?
I have been so annoyed with the one sitting behind me. I think I have lost respect for him. How can somebody be so oblivious to the garbage that flies out from their mouth? I have reached my limit where I try to hold myself back from blurting out," Why are you such a fucking asshole?"
Mant was probably correct in her advice. Maybe I should tell him why he was out of line. I shouldn't expect people to be intuitive about these situations, but how can these so-called future doctors not be able to draw from context clues? It's surprising how they can be emotional morons, and this comes from somebody who rarely feels anything towards another human being.
Maybe I am just finding a reason to leave my work. I do not feel productive anymore when I enter the workplace. I have been in an oddly frozen status for 4 years, and nobody around me has changed. It always seems as though I bend over backwards to help out everyone around me, putting myself before them every single time. I thought that was what it meant to be altruistic, some obscure quality I thought all doctors should possess. The more I interact with these future physician-scientists, the less inclined I am to believe in the good of our future.
Most likely I am just venting, but there is always some grain of truth to what is spoken when one is angry. Am I angry? Maybe that's what I'm feeling right now.
I can't believe I even prepared all the mouse crosses for this prick. For all his future experiments, I set up the appropriate mouse crosses in order for him to graduate within 4 years, because lord knows, this guy cannot plan ahead when it comes to his experiments, let alone perform them correctly. He can't clone, he waits a month before even freezing down his virus, and his pups get cannibalized for 6 months before any even survive childbirth. Would it be wrong of me to just sacrifice those mice, and let him spend the next few years setting up his mouse crosses, waiting for the correct pups to be born, delaying his experiments for months?
*Aside* somebody's screaming my name from outside my door. Who is it?
Turns out, they were my roommates from the top floor. They locked themselves outside trying to throw the garbage away. What is it with boys calling out my name all the time- it must be the city.
*Another aside* DEAR LORD this ginseng chrysanthemum with honey drink is disgusting!
Maybe I DO "hate" R&D, even though one postdoc, and most of my Rice friends, tease me about being in love with him.
You know what it boils down to? It's that feeling one has where they try to put their faith in somebody else, thinking that, hey, this person could be a really good friend that I would want to keep for the rest of my life, and then falling flat on your face, getting mud kicked in it for further embarrassment. It's the effort you put into thinking that somebody else could be worth your time, no matter how short your lifespan may be, and then becoming disappointed after the fact, realizing that you made a mistake. Maybe I'm angry that it was my choice that was the mistake, and I thought I would be good at picking lifelong friends by now.
I compare him to Drab, and Drab would never do that to me. Drab is a genuinely decent person. Never egotistical, and certainly seems more interested in science for the sake of enjoying it, is how I would compare the two.
Why can't times be more relaxing, like Suntory Time?
Reflex Neurovascular Dystrophy
There's a tiny little fly/moth in my room, except I have no inclination to ablate its existence with the swat of my hand.
It just flutters about, aimlessly.
I wonder if that's how I am right now: just aimlessly wandering about life.
I'm watching it traverse the room, and that's not such a bad life. Although, if memory serves me well, the insect may seem to possess a random pattern of motion, but it could be alternating halfway during flight because of the chemoattractants drawing it to its destination or reward.
Why don't I have such a strong chemoattractant pulling me towards a certain fate?
Maybe I just enjoy existing outside of the reality in which most people live. Is it because my imagination is more interesting? Are there more exciting worlds to explore than this one?
I'm really hoping that my writing is slowly improving with each blog post. At least that is what my intentions are from now on- to constantly improve in whatever activities I seem to be placing myself. So far this includes running, blogging/writing, and researching. I want to become better in every field.
Another surprise came in my gmail inbox. My mom emailed me on behalf of my parents. She first wanted to congratulate me on my job promotion, wanting me to continue being a good worker. Then, she wanted to say that she was proud of me and that she's glad my boss recognized that I am a good employee. Lastly, she wanted me to enjoy my life, so she told me to have some fun even while working hard everyday. Her last sentence was confusing, though. "This is your mom and Dad the big gift. Thank you!" I have absolutely NO idea what to interpret from that remark.
Still, I'm a bit surprised from that letter. My parents have actually never said that they were proud of me. What's changed within them at their current age?
It just flutters about, aimlessly.
I wonder if that's how I am right now: just aimlessly wandering about life.
I'm watching it traverse the room, and that's not such a bad life. Although, if memory serves me well, the insect may seem to possess a random pattern of motion, but it could be alternating halfway during flight because of the chemoattractants drawing it to its destination or reward.
Why don't I have such a strong chemoattractant pulling me towards a certain fate?
Maybe I just enjoy existing outside of the reality in which most people live. Is it because my imagination is more interesting? Are there more exciting worlds to explore than this one?
I'm really hoping that my writing is slowly improving with each blog post. At least that is what my intentions are from now on- to constantly improve in whatever activities I seem to be placing myself. So far this includes running, blogging/writing, and researching. I want to become better in every field.
Another surprise came in my gmail inbox. My mom emailed me on behalf of my parents. She first wanted to congratulate me on my job promotion, wanting me to continue being a good worker. Then, she wanted to say that she was proud of me and that she's glad my boss recognized that I am a good employee. Lastly, she wanted me to enjoy my life, so she told me to have some fun even while working hard everyday. Her last sentence was confusing, though. "This is your mom and Dad the big gift. Thank you!" I have absolutely NO idea what to interpret from that remark.
Still, I'm a bit surprised from that letter. My parents have actually never said that they were proud of me. What's changed within them at their current age?
8.06.2011
california dreaming
I had 2 more dreams about R&D this week.
The 4th dream involved him packing up his stuff in our bay, preparing to move out of it.
The 5th dream last night involved him actually moving away from lab for good.
I'd like to think that he failed his quals, and that resulted in him having to move out of our lab, but that probably was not the case.
Instead, the dream only involved his stuff being packed onto a moving cart again. This time, though, he was planning to move out of the lab for reasons unknown. Whatever the case, I ended up being happy about it?
The 4th dream involved him packing up his stuff in our bay, preparing to move out of it.
The 5th dream last night involved him actually moving away from lab for good.
I'd like to think that he failed his quals, and that resulted in him having to move out of our lab, but that probably was not the case.
Instead, the dream only involved his stuff being packed onto a moving cart again. This time, though, he was planning to move out of the lab for reasons unknown. Whatever the case, I ended up being happy about it?
8.03.2011
betelnut
This place was not that impressive, no.
Lettuce cups: too salty. Beggar's chicken: not quite as flavorful as I thought. The curry noodles were okay, the shrimp fried rice wasn't spectacular in any way but consistent. The cauliflower was cooked in an interesting manner- it seemed as though it were breaded before being pan-fried, but it was difficult to tell from the lighting. The alcoholic green tea lemonade wasn't that strong, or at least it didn't taste that strong when I drank it very quickly. Then the room started spinning 10 minutes later.
For dessert, we had a dish of mochi, ranging from white chocolate to milk chocolate to dark chocolate, paired with a lemon sauce, a butterscotch flan of sorts, and whipped cream with strawberries. Out of the sides, I approved of the whipped cream with strawberries the most, and out of the mochi, I don't think I liked any of them. Mango or green tea were always more of my thing when it came to mochi desserts.
My brain can function no longer on this fever.
Post ends here.
Lettuce cups: too salty. Beggar's chicken: not quite as flavorful as I thought. The curry noodles were okay, the shrimp fried rice wasn't spectacular in any way but consistent. The cauliflower was cooked in an interesting manner- it seemed as though it were breaded before being pan-fried, but it was difficult to tell from the lighting. The alcoholic green tea lemonade wasn't that strong, or at least it didn't taste that strong when I drank it very quickly. Then the room started spinning 10 minutes later.
For dessert, we had a dish of mochi, ranging from white chocolate to milk chocolate to dark chocolate, paired with a lemon sauce, a butterscotch flan of sorts, and whipped cream with strawberries. Out of the sides, I approved of the whipped cream with strawberries the most, and out of the mochi, I don't think I liked any of them. Mango or green tea were always more of my thing when it came to mochi desserts.
My brain can function no longer on this fever.
Post ends here.
8.02.2011
5K
The SF Marathon was held this past weekend. (Side note: I think my hands are becoming dyslexic. Every now and then when I look up at my text, several words always appear scrambled, sometimes rearranged into words that make sense, other times into unintelligible garble.) I had registered for the 5k at the last minute, partly in an attempt to win a bet, and partly in an attempt to test myself.
For the entire week, I had conditioned myself to withstand longer distances, and to increase my pace. I ran 4 miles one day; I performed interval training the next. As instructed by several websites, I did not train 2 days before the race. I ran a light jog the day before the event and felt great, confident even.
My bib was picked up, my clothes were laid out the night before. The night before, I loaded myself up with carbs- mac and cheese- and I ate several berries high in fiber.
Although I did not sleep until midnight or 1:00 AM, I managed to wake up around 5:30 AM. I emptied my bowels, microwaved some instant steel-cut Irish oatmeal and ate that with a side of banana. My gear was on me, and wrapped in warm clothing, composed of a windbreaker and windpants, I headed out the door to stop at the corner of Carl and Stanyan, waiting anxiously for the 6:51 AM N-owl bus.
I felt amazing. This feeling was reminiscent of those days in high school when I would wake up early to ride the schoolbus to various Texas cities to compete in math/science contests. An entirely different venue altogether, but the thrill of competition was still there.
I waited, and waited, time rolling by me. It wasn't until 7:25 AM that the N-Owl actually arrived, which I boarded in hopes that it would get me there by my race time, or even a later wave. Apparently, these races place contestants in waves, in order to separate the packs and keep the races uncrowded, allowing the faster runners to lead first.
The first problem occurred when I entered the bus- some French tourists were bothering the driver about receiving the adequate amount of tickets. The second problem involved the backdoor of the bus-it failed to close again after passengers left the bus through that exit door. The driver ultimately had to stop the bus, turn off the engine, and turn it back on for the doors to reset itself. Once that ordeal was over, we encountered another problem, where the driver hits a dead end, and had to circle all the way back to where I was originally picked up, where we headed northward and turned to meet a lady at the corner. This lady worked for the SF MTA as well, and incidentally was the only person who had detour directions for our driver.
Once that driver was told where to go, he started heading towards the Embarcadero, where my race was to be held. The next problem was that part of the city was closed down along Market Street for the full marathon. Every time we met an intersection where the race was passing through, the bus had to stop to allow racers to run across, and only until there were no more were we allowed to cross the street.
All these delays were interspersed with fellow commuters debarking the bus because they were frustrated with the detours and did not want to deal with this bus. Suffice to say, I was mortified the entire time, and disappointment kept sinking in from the moment the clock started ticking past 7:45 AM, which was my planned time to begin the 5K.
There was nothing I was able to do but follow through and get off at the Embarcadero. I walked to the edge of San Francisco and saw the race starting without me. I observed the cheering, the musicians, and the string of booths for race finishers, where they were handed food and drinks to replenish themselves after a hard run.
I think this feeling, trying hard for something, only for it to be taken away by another thing that's out of your control at the last minute, was quite possibly one of the worst feelings imaginable. Everything that I was in control of, I managed to do. This feeling is almost like science, except I didn't even get the chance to meet success or failure. It's like performing science without ever getting a result, positive or negative.
R&D didn't help either, when he persistently teased me Sunday, and then through lab meeting Monday, when everyone was sitting around the table. It would have been one thing if I had backed out at the last minute. I would have definitely deserved it then. It's one thing to tease someone, but it's another to embarrass them in front of an audience for something that one has no control over. Even if I do make fun of my friends, I would never make them feel worse about themselves intentionally just to hurt their feelings in front of people they know. (I'm actually thinking this through, to make sure my statement isn't a lie...) I suppose the point I want to make is: I've already been hard on myself for the entire ordeal, and I don't need somebody else to make me feel worse about myself. At this point it just comes across as malicious behavior.
To say the least, I haven't felt like talking to him after lab meeting yesterday, except he was using the microscope when I had reserved time for it, and he entered the microscope room later to ask to borrow my ID card, which I fortunately didn't have on me, so I wouldn't have to see him again. Once I took all the pictures I needed to take, I left to return to my apartment because I did not want to deal with him for the rest of the afternoon. Even when he tried to announce aloud that he finally found a person to chair his quals committee, I had no desire to respond.
This morning, people were trying to talk to me, which I was in no mood for, nor did I have a desire to see anybody. R&D had come in during the morning because he had a personal meeting with our PI. I tried to get all my experiments done before they finished talking, so that I could leave for the day, both to avoid him and to focus on my writing.
I am in no mood to deal with my lab, except I have to meet with Dan tonight to discuss my work and future plans. Boring.
The recurring thought in my head is, the longer I stay in this lab, the less I believe in the innate good of people. My hope is that this isn't true.
For the entire week, I had conditioned myself to withstand longer distances, and to increase my pace. I ran 4 miles one day; I performed interval training the next. As instructed by several websites, I did not train 2 days before the race. I ran a light jog the day before the event and felt great, confident even.
My bib was picked up, my clothes were laid out the night before. The night before, I loaded myself up with carbs- mac and cheese- and I ate several berries high in fiber.
Although I did not sleep until midnight or 1:00 AM, I managed to wake up around 5:30 AM. I emptied my bowels, microwaved some instant steel-cut Irish oatmeal and ate that with a side of banana. My gear was on me, and wrapped in warm clothing, composed of a windbreaker and windpants, I headed out the door to stop at the corner of Carl and Stanyan, waiting anxiously for the 6:51 AM N-owl bus.
I felt amazing. This feeling was reminiscent of those days in high school when I would wake up early to ride the schoolbus to various Texas cities to compete in math/science contests. An entirely different venue altogether, but the thrill of competition was still there.
I waited, and waited, time rolling by me. It wasn't until 7:25 AM that the N-Owl actually arrived, which I boarded in hopes that it would get me there by my race time, or even a later wave. Apparently, these races place contestants in waves, in order to separate the packs and keep the races uncrowded, allowing the faster runners to lead first.
The first problem occurred when I entered the bus- some French tourists were bothering the driver about receiving the adequate amount of tickets. The second problem involved the backdoor of the bus-it failed to close again after passengers left the bus through that exit door. The driver ultimately had to stop the bus, turn off the engine, and turn it back on for the doors to reset itself. Once that ordeal was over, we encountered another problem, where the driver hits a dead end, and had to circle all the way back to where I was originally picked up, where we headed northward and turned to meet a lady at the corner. This lady worked for the SF MTA as well, and incidentally was the only person who had detour directions for our driver.
Once that driver was told where to go, he started heading towards the Embarcadero, where my race was to be held. The next problem was that part of the city was closed down along Market Street for the full marathon. Every time we met an intersection where the race was passing through, the bus had to stop to allow racers to run across, and only until there were no more were we allowed to cross the street.
All these delays were interspersed with fellow commuters debarking the bus because they were frustrated with the detours and did not want to deal with this bus. Suffice to say, I was mortified the entire time, and disappointment kept sinking in from the moment the clock started ticking past 7:45 AM, which was my planned time to begin the 5K.
There was nothing I was able to do but follow through and get off at the Embarcadero. I walked to the edge of San Francisco and saw the race starting without me. I observed the cheering, the musicians, and the string of booths for race finishers, where they were handed food and drinks to replenish themselves after a hard run.
I think this feeling, trying hard for something, only for it to be taken away by another thing that's out of your control at the last minute, was quite possibly one of the worst feelings imaginable. Everything that I was in control of, I managed to do. This feeling is almost like science, except I didn't even get the chance to meet success or failure. It's like performing science without ever getting a result, positive or negative.
R&D didn't help either, when he persistently teased me Sunday, and then through lab meeting Monday, when everyone was sitting around the table. It would have been one thing if I had backed out at the last minute. I would have definitely deserved it then. It's one thing to tease someone, but it's another to embarrass them in front of an audience for something that one has no control over. Even if I do make fun of my friends, I would never make them feel worse about themselves intentionally just to hurt their feelings in front of people they know. (I'm actually thinking this through, to make sure my statement isn't a lie...) I suppose the point I want to make is: I've already been hard on myself for the entire ordeal, and I don't need somebody else to make me feel worse about myself. At this point it just comes across as malicious behavior.
To say the least, I haven't felt like talking to him after lab meeting yesterday, except he was using the microscope when I had reserved time for it, and he entered the microscope room later to ask to borrow my ID card, which I fortunately didn't have on me, so I wouldn't have to see him again. Once I took all the pictures I needed to take, I left to return to my apartment because I did not want to deal with him for the rest of the afternoon. Even when he tried to announce aloud that he finally found a person to chair his quals committee, I had no desire to respond.
This morning, people were trying to talk to me, which I was in no mood for, nor did I have a desire to see anybody. R&D had come in during the morning because he had a personal meeting with our PI. I tried to get all my experiments done before they finished talking, so that I could leave for the day, both to avoid him and to focus on my writing.
I am in no mood to deal with my lab, except I have to meet with Dan tonight to discuss my work and future plans. Boring.
The recurring thought in my head is, the longer I stay in this lab, the less I believe in the innate good of people. My hope is that this isn't true.
general neurology
5 patients. One attending. One resident.
I shadowed a neurologist attending, more so a buddy from an adjacent lab, at the general neurology clinic in the Ambulatory Care Center last Thursday, July 28th, from about 1:30 to 4:30.
It seemed more relaxed that I had previously thought. The physicians actually were able to spend 30 minutes to 1 hour for each patient, which was nice in itself, being able to engage in conversation with the patient over their life/history. Human history is interesting to me- this probably connects with my fascination with life and death again.
I want to know how people live their lives. What makes people want to live, and what decisions do people make in order to make themselves happy? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why is the body so frail, and why does our corporeal form revolt?
Sometimes it's also fun to live vicariously through patients, since it's near impossible to do everything we want to do in this one life given to us. You get a chance to see with each patient what it might have been like to be a long-distance runner, a grandmother of 8, or playing chair volleyball at the retirement home.
What did I learn...
Patient history is, obviously, extremely important, although I think they call this PMH now. Past medical history, which in itself is sort of redundant, so I don't understand the reasoning for that nomenclature. Being able to focus during a patient's conversation while sifting for relevant information is another useful tool to possess.
Once that history is taken, the physical exam is also crucial. I saw my attending friend suggest some techniques that she could have used to diagnose neurological deficits. (Totally forgot the names here, but probably not important for me until later on...)
Now that both parts are complete, it was time to go through all the data, pick out which symptoms were more important to treat first, and then deliver a diagnosis and treatment plan. As neurologists, they first needed to decide whether this patient's case was a neurological problem. If not, they would either recommend that the patient's PCP do additional testing before going back to them, or they would tell the patient not to worry unless their incident occurred again.
However, if it were a neurological issue, the doctors tried to identify the cause of their illness. Which disease, or condition, would result in or best explain all the symptoms seen? At this point, it really seemed like the show House, involving differential diagnosis.
Next time, I think I'll get the chance to shadow her in an ALS clinic, which I'm told may be rather tragic, since confirmation of ALS spells out death basically for the patient. If it's ALS, it's always bad news to break to the people involved. I still want to see this though, for myself. How do other people react to bad news, especially when it concerns the rest of their life?
I thoroughly enjoyed this experience, I would say. This hasn't changed my mind about wanting to pursue a neuro-specific field, but I'm still uncertain about neurosurgery versus neurology.
I shadowed a neurologist attending, more so a buddy from an adjacent lab, at the general neurology clinic in the Ambulatory Care Center last Thursday, July 28th, from about 1:30 to 4:30.
It seemed more relaxed that I had previously thought. The physicians actually were able to spend 30 minutes to 1 hour for each patient, which was nice in itself, being able to engage in conversation with the patient over their life/history. Human history is interesting to me- this probably connects with my fascination with life and death again.
I want to know how people live their lives. What makes people want to live, and what decisions do people make in order to make themselves happy? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why is the body so frail, and why does our corporeal form revolt?
Sometimes it's also fun to live vicariously through patients, since it's near impossible to do everything we want to do in this one life given to us. You get a chance to see with each patient what it might have been like to be a long-distance runner, a grandmother of 8, or playing chair volleyball at the retirement home.
What did I learn...
Patient history is, obviously, extremely important, although I think they call this PMH now. Past medical history, which in itself is sort of redundant, so I don't understand the reasoning for that nomenclature. Being able to focus during a patient's conversation while sifting for relevant information is another useful tool to possess.
Once that history is taken, the physical exam is also crucial. I saw my attending friend suggest some techniques that she could have used to diagnose neurological deficits. (Totally forgot the names here, but probably not important for me until later on...)
Now that both parts are complete, it was time to go through all the data, pick out which symptoms were more important to treat first, and then deliver a diagnosis and treatment plan. As neurologists, they first needed to decide whether this patient's case was a neurological problem. If not, they would either recommend that the patient's PCP do additional testing before going back to them, or they would tell the patient not to worry unless their incident occurred again.
However, if it were a neurological issue, the doctors tried to identify the cause of their illness. Which disease, or condition, would result in or best explain all the symptoms seen? At this point, it really seemed like the show House, involving differential diagnosis.
Next time, I think I'll get the chance to shadow her in an ALS clinic, which I'm told may be rather tragic, since confirmation of ALS spells out death basically for the patient. If it's ALS, it's always bad news to break to the people involved. I still want to see this though, for myself. How do other people react to bad news, especially when it concerns the rest of their life?
I thoroughly enjoyed this experience, I would say. This hasn't changed my mind about wanting to pursue a neuro-specific field, but I'm still uncertain about neurosurgery versus neurology.
7.28.2011
pizza and salad
Volunteered in the Emergency Department again.
Not much happened this time.
It was the other volunteer's last night there. She seemed more chipper than normal.
She's off to San Leandro to live with her parents again while searching for a job as an EMT.
Tonight = nothing of note.
Although the neurology resident working in the lab next to us invited me to see her patients in the clinic tomorrow. That, I'm excited for.
We shall see!
Not much happened this time.
It was the other volunteer's last night there. She seemed more chipper than normal.
She's off to San Leandro to live with her parents again while searching for a job as an EMT.
Tonight = nothing of note.
Although the neurology resident working in the lab next to us invited me to see her patients in the clinic tomorrow. That, I'm excited for.
We shall see!
7.27.2011
crepes on cole
I had a savory crepe, and then a sweet crepe.
I feel gross.
I can't wait for this running to be over.
I ate 3500 calories today, plus however many calories from those 2 crepes. I feel disgusting.
My ass is in great shape, my abs have never looked better.
It's terrible.
What's even worse was that I hit the runner's high today after the 3rd mile. I was running faster, jumping/skipping, and the day was infinitely brighter, which I didn't even mind.
What's wrong with me...
I feel gross.
I can't wait for this running to be over.
I ate 3500 calories today, plus however many calories from those 2 crepes. I feel disgusting.
My ass is in great shape, my abs have never looked better.
It's terrible.
What's even worse was that I hit the runner's high today after the 3rd mile. I was running faster, jumping/skipping, and the day was infinitely brighter, which I didn't even mind.
What's wrong with me...
7.23.2011
beantown
I had a dream about R&D last night. It involved me discovering some data with the Dnmt3a-/-; GFAP-GFP mouse, which is related to his current project that he is proposing for his qualification exam.
I just dangled it in front of him, taunting him with revelatory information, letting him nearly be within reach, only to take it away from him time and time again.
My interpretation is that this again plays along the lines of me being witholding like Lucille Bluth.
"Come on get happy..."
My stint with Ally McBeal is almost over. Who will I turn to next? My relatable characters are off the air until the new seasons premiere this autumn. People really don't use the word autumn that often anymore. It's always Fall now.
My latest obsession was unsolved crimes/murders. The Black Dahlia, Zodiac Killer, cases of that sort.
I just dangled it in front of him, taunting him with revelatory information, letting him nearly be within reach, only to take it away from him time and time again.
My interpretation is that this again plays along the lines of me being witholding like Lucille Bluth.
"Come on get happy..."
My stint with Ally McBeal is almost over. Who will I turn to next? My relatable characters are off the air until the new seasons premiere this autumn. People really don't use the word autumn that often anymore. It's always Fall now.
My latest obsession was unsolved crimes/murders. The Black Dahlia, Zodiac Killer, cases of that sort.
7.20.2011
bandoneón
One perk about working in the science industry is being able to work from home.
I can embrace the shame whenever I want, and however many times I please.
Lunch time does not involve waiting for the entire group to mobilize. My stomach alone dictates the time and place for my meal as I watch Ally McBeal shamefully from the recesses of my apartment.
My choice of lunch is not hindered by lame dietary restrictions. Today I am having Korean leftovers, and "lovin' it."
My rate of cell counting to quantify an observed phenotype is faster with less efficient coworkers bugging me with questions about something as simple as cell counting, or mouse colony management, or even the location of items.
I can do it in my bed, I can do it while eating. Work has never been better.
I think I can see how people get into private practice in the first place, or ultimately end up choosing a lifestyle specialty. My previous notions about this selection were that the people entering those fields were weak and only concerned with money, but maybe they're just onto something that I haven't realized before.
Happiness seems to have a direct relationship with income, peaking at $75,000. If one can attain this with a cushy job, and still have time to do everything else- I guess you could term these activities hobbies- what's wrong with a little more time to yourself?
I can embrace the shame whenever I want, and however many times I please.
Lunch time does not involve waiting for the entire group to mobilize. My stomach alone dictates the time and place for my meal as I watch Ally McBeal shamefully from the recesses of my apartment.
My choice of lunch is not hindered by lame dietary restrictions. Today I am having Korean leftovers, and "lovin' it."
My rate of cell counting to quantify an observed phenotype is faster with less efficient coworkers bugging me with questions about something as simple as cell counting, or mouse colony management, or even the location of items.
I can do it in my bed, I can do it while eating. Work has never been better.
I think I can see how people get into private practice in the first place, or ultimately end up choosing a lifestyle specialty. My previous notions about this selection were that the people entering those fields were weak and only concerned with money, but maybe they're just onto something that I haven't realized before.
Happiness seems to have a direct relationship with income, peaking at $75,000. If one can attain this with a cushy job, and still have time to do everything else- I guess you could term these activities hobbies- what's wrong with a little more time to yourself?
hydrodynamics
My body is SO SORE. And I feel like crap.
I think I just need to rest the entire day today...
What should I get for lunch though?
My stomach isn't feeling well.
But YAY for getting rid of incompetent lab managers! (for Janey)
STILL not impressed though. This was the PI's doing, not hers.
I think I just need to rest the entire day today...
What should I get for lunch though?
My stomach isn't feeling well.
But YAY for getting rid of incompetent lab managers! (for Janey)
STILL not impressed though. This was the PI's doing, not hers.
homestead
I went to this bar with Clare, Nants, Poorneel, Drab, and others.
The only reason Drab enjoyed this place was for their whiskey selection.
Why do I feel as though I've written this entry before?
In any case, the memory that's coming up to mind is that I ordered a drink for Clare and me. (Which brings up AnOTHER memory, and that is I have to repay Clare for the hotel and something else...) $190 still! Perhaps this weekend.
I'm ordering at the bar after this lady checks my I.D. Why I am still carded at my age, I do not know. Every time I look in the mirror, I do not believe that any person should mistake me as a minor anymore.
Regardless, I asked her what whiskeys she had that were nice. No, I asked Drab first what drinks he liked most here. He recommended some Jameson Whiskey. The lady behind the counter suggested 2 other brands, since they were out of that one for the night, so I agreed. She then followed up with another question, "Neat?" I had no idea what that meant- CLEARLY I am not a heavy drinker. I told her, "Sure?"
Not much to my surprise, I was presented with 2 shot glasses, filled 3/4 of the way with whiskey. I should have known neat meant not on the rocks, therefore NO ICE to dilute the alcohol in my drink, my drink of pure whiskey!
A warning to anybody who does not know of my tolerance: alcohol on my empty/emptied stomach does not lead to anything good afterwards.
The only reason Drab enjoyed this place was for their whiskey selection.
Why do I feel as though I've written this entry before?
In any case, the memory that's coming up to mind is that I ordered a drink for Clare and me. (Which brings up AnOTHER memory, and that is I have to repay Clare for the hotel and something else...) $190 still! Perhaps this weekend.
I'm ordering at the bar after this lady checks my I.D. Why I am still carded at my age, I do not know. Every time I look in the mirror, I do not believe that any person should mistake me as a minor anymore.
Regardless, I asked her what whiskeys she had that were nice. No, I asked Drab first what drinks he liked most here. He recommended some Jameson Whiskey. The lady behind the counter suggested 2 other brands, since they were out of that one for the night, so I agreed. She then followed up with another question, "Neat?" I had no idea what that meant- CLEARLY I am not a heavy drinker. I told her, "Sure?"
Not much to my surprise, I was presented with 2 shot glasses, filled 3/4 of the way with whiskey. I should have known neat meant not on the rocks, therefore NO ICE to dilute the alcohol in my drink, my drink of pure whiskey!
A warning to anybody who does not know of my tolerance: alcohol on my empty/emptied stomach does not lead to anything good afterwards.
7.19.2011
amazon prime
I'm the tyrant?!
Smothering someone in my dream apparently translates to me wanting to control/oppress/dominate the person whom I have a relationship with in real life.
To be kissed in a dream means that I will realize something important in aiding my achievement of success in life. That, or not accepted my repressed aspect; being forced to do something I don't really want to do; or someone is shoving their ideas/beliefs/opinions against my will.
I don't understand.
Dream interpretation websites are bogus.
To do today: calisthenics, running, popeye's chicken, and writing.
Smothering someone in my dream apparently translates to me wanting to control/oppress/dominate the person whom I have a relationship with in real life.
To be kissed in a dream means that I will realize something important in aiding my achievement of success in life. That, or not accepted my repressed aspect; being forced to do something I don't really want to do; or someone is shoving their ideas/beliefs/opinions against my will.
I don't understand.
Dream interpretation websites are bogus.
To do today: calisthenics, running, popeye's chicken, and writing.
7.17.2011
extreme couponing
... is exactly what I did yesterday at Safeway.
Billups had given me some coupons from his friend in Colorado, most of which was related to Stouffer's or Lean Cuisine meals.
All in all, I purchased 3 Buitoni ravioli boxes, all of which seem as though they will be tasty. There's the chicken and mushroom, beef and sausage, and shrimp and lobster ravioli combinations, along with a fettucine alfredo frozen dinner from Lean Cuisine, and a Hot Pocket creation. I think it was something like bacon with chicken and sausage- that type of variety.
I bumped my head into a sharp, hard corner in lab today. It feels as though my head is filling with blood. Every time I bump my head now, I'm always reminded of Natasha Richardson and her ski accident.
My life is fraught with nothing but death on my mind constantly. After some stop, you just wish the deaths would stop. Well, the unnecessary deaths, or the tragic ones.
Some doctor, in an instant, was thrown out of the window of the UCSF shuttle and died on the spot. It reminds me of that time when I was riding another UCSF shuttle from the VAMC to UCSF, just to spin virus down. A car had sideswiped us, but luckily he and I were just thrown to the floor of the shuttle. The only loss I encountered was that of my coffee flying all over the innards of the shuttle bus.
Am I crazy for signing up for the SF marathon? My body is nowhere near in condition to endure 5k, or 3.1 miles. Although R&D placed a wager that I wouldn't be able to run the thing in under 7 minutes per mile. For one, he does not know whether I am running a half-marathon or just the 5k. Maybe I can hustle him this way- a bet of $100 has been placed for this run in 2 weeks.
Billups had given me some coupons from his friend in Colorado, most of which was related to Stouffer's or Lean Cuisine meals.
All in all, I purchased 3 Buitoni ravioli boxes, all of which seem as though they will be tasty. There's the chicken and mushroom, beef and sausage, and shrimp and lobster ravioli combinations, along with a fettucine alfredo frozen dinner from Lean Cuisine, and a Hot Pocket creation. I think it was something like bacon with chicken and sausage- that type of variety.
I bumped my head into a sharp, hard corner in lab today. It feels as though my head is filling with blood. Every time I bump my head now, I'm always reminded of Natasha Richardson and her ski accident.
My life is fraught with nothing but death on my mind constantly. After some stop, you just wish the deaths would stop. Well, the unnecessary deaths, or the tragic ones.
Some doctor, in an instant, was thrown out of the window of the UCSF shuttle and died on the spot. It reminds me of that time when I was riding another UCSF shuttle from the VAMC to UCSF, just to spin virus down. A car had sideswiped us, but luckily he and I were just thrown to the floor of the shuttle. The only loss I encountered was that of my coffee flying all over the innards of the shuttle bus.
Am I crazy for signing up for the SF marathon? My body is nowhere near in condition to endure 5k, or 3.1 miles. Although R&D placed a wager that I wouldn't be able to run the thing in under 7 minutes per mile. For one, he does not know whether I am running a half-marathon or just the 5k. Maybe I can hustle him this way- a bet of $100 has been placed for this run in 2 weeks.
7.13.2011
john cage
I think I'm starting to go crazy with R&D sitting behind me at work everyday. BECAUSE he's sitting there, everybody from the next bay over walks over into my bay to start chatting about the most nonsensical topics.
There are times when he can be brilliant- although I would never admit that to his face- and THEN there are moments when he performs experiments like a fool.
This has me starting to wonder whether anybody is actually a genius at science, or whether the results of one's efforts are merely a product of coincidence and sheer luck.
In any case, the more time I spend with him, the more I start to dream about him, which is eerily turning out to be the same case as with Drab.
I still can't believe he entrusted me with preliminary data/results from his current experiment. I hate him for putting trust into me in the first place. Secondly, I hate that I actually find his results extremely interesting. Thirdly, that eventually leads me to admit that he's a good scientist- of which case I mentioned earlier, I am not entirely sure yet.
Why is it that I burn out in the summer? This exhaustion is insufferable.
There are times when he can be brilliant- although I would never admit that to his face- and THEN there are moments when he performs experiments like a fool.
This has me starting to wonder whether anybody is actually a genius at science, or whether the results of one's efforts are merely a product of coincidence and sheer luck.
In any case, the more time I spend with him, the more I start to dream about him, which is eerily turning out to be the same case as with Drab.
I still can't believe he entrusted me with preliminary data/results from his current experiment. I hate him for putting trust into me in the first place. Secondly, I hate that I actually find his results extremely interesting. Thirdly, that eventually leads me to admit that he's a good scientist- of which case I mentioned earlier, I am not entirely sure yet.
Why is it that I burn out in the summer? This exhaustion is insufferable.
7.12.2011
cantata
It almost sounds like a brunch menu item.
Dreamed about R&D for the 2nd time tonight.
The first part of the dream involved me getting so annoyed that I wanted to smother his face with my blanket.
Then he started liking it, stating that the smell of the blanket reminded him of his own back at his apartment, resounding with a goofy "mmMMMmmm!"
His reaction defeated my original purpose, which was to end his life, basically. Therefore I retreated back to my bed, except he kept creeping towards me ever so slowly.
Until he and I were face to face again.
THAT concludes our question and answer section for the day!
Dreamed about R&D for the 2nd time tonight.
The first part of the dream involved me getting so annoyed that I wanted to smother his face with my blanket.
Then he started liking it, stating that the smell of the blanket reminded him of his own back at his apartment, resounding with a goofy "mmMMMmmm!"
His reaction defeated my original purpose, which was to end his life, basically. Therefore I retreated back to my bed, except he kept creeping towards me ever so slowly.
Until he and I were face to face again.
THAT concludes our question and answer section for the day!
7.08.2011
renonce
I believe certain bodies just are not meant for exercise. A fine example would be mine.
My GI tract always fills up with gas every time.
My calves cramped up before I even hit the 1st mile... sigh.
I wish I had thrown up. The banana creme protein shake from CytoGainer was disgusting.
That reminds me of Lizbean and her banana-flavored braces. I am now a sympathizer.
My GI tract always fills up with gas every time.
My calves cramped up before I even hit the 1st mile... sigh.
I wish I had thrown up. The banana creme protein shake from CytoGainer was disgusting.
That reminds me of Lizbean and her banana-flavored braces. I am now a sympathizer.
7.03.2011
voz
I started listening to Mandarin/Cantonese pop music in lab today. My cousin wanted me to attempt to translate a certain word to him in English.
The characters are: 默契. Mo(4) Qi(4).
As far as I was concerned, this means understanding.
I searched a few forums, and a more direct translation of the characters is possibly tacit agreement.
Something that is understood without having to convey meaning through writing or verbal explanation?
Off to mouse house!
Yesterday I tried to access all my experiences from the emergency room, or through shadowing, on my blog, but all my post titles are so random that I eventually had to reread most of my entries. Such a hassle...
The characters are: 默契. Mo(4) Qi(4).
As far as I was concerned, this means understanding.
I searched a few forums, and a more direct translation of the characters is possibly tacit agreement.
Something that is understood without having to convey meaning through writing or verbal explanation?
Off to mouse house!
Yesterday I tried to access all my experiences from the emergency room, or through shadowing, on my blog, but all my post titles are so random that I eventually had to reread most of my entries. Such a hassle...
6.27.2011
Dicotyledon
I prefer to believe that when my brother and I were born, our parents passed on to each of us qualities that split a complete personality into two.
My brother became the extrovert, extremely comfortable in social situations and able to mingle almost any person he ever came across.
On the other hand, I turned into an introvert, who enjoys spending more time thinking and exploring the innards of my mind than to waste my breath on banal conversation.
He received physical strength, excelling in athletics. By excel, I mean beating me at every sport we played together, even when I got onto the tennis team in high school.
My strengths lay in academics and the arts- I certainly drew better than him, and I played the piano with some skill before I quit in high school.
His concern in life now is slightly superficial in that he wants to generate as much income as he possibly can through his degrees earned.
My concern is to find fulfillment in the profession I choose to pursue. I want meaning. I want to make a contribution that permanently affects humanity. I want more than simplicity.
In these differences, I wonder if it makes happiness more easily attainable for my brother. He is in a relationship. I could care less to be in one now, or ever.
----- I fell asleep here. NO CLUE what I wrote about last night. -----
My brother became the extrovert, extremely comfortable in social situations and able to mingle almost any person he ever came across.
On the other hand, I turned into an introvert, who enjoys spending more time thinking and exploring the innards of my mind than to waste my breath on banal conversation.
He received physical strength, excelling in athletics. By excel, I mean beating me at every sport we played together, even when I got onto the tennis team in high school.
My strengths lay in academics and the arts- I certainly drew better than him, and I played the piano with some skill before I quit in high school.
His concern in life now is slightly superficial in that he wants to generate as much income as he possibly can through his degrees earned.
My concern is to find fulfillment in the profession I choose to pursue. I want meaning. I want to make a contribution that permanently affects humanity. I want more than simplicity.
In these differences, I wonder if it makes happiness more easily attainable for my brother. He is in a relationship. I could care less to be in one now, or ever.
----- I fell asleep here. NO CLUE what I wrote about last night. -----
6.26.2011
Susie Q
ER volunteering last Wednesday.
I was bound to leave again towards the end of my shift, when I walked into a room to ask this old African American woman if she needed anything, as the call light had been ringing without anybody answering it.
She was starving during her stay, which had been over 4 hours now, so I ran into the pantry to grab some apple juice and graham crackers for her.
Like any other patient that's geen given attention by someone in the ED, she was appreciative, asking for another refill of the apple juice before starting up a conversation.
She was waiting to be discharged from having bled out of her arm that night. Her doctors were currently treating her for dialysis, but I'm not sure what connection I can draw between that and the arm bleeding. It turns out that in the previous year, she had been admitted for these severe blisters. The primary care physician decided to send her to a dermatologist instead of a podiatrist, and the dermatologist just told her to soak her feet in warm water for the blisters to subside.
That wasn't the case, and when she was sent in again to the hospital, they had discovered gangrene in her foot. Then, the doctor advised amputation before she lost any more of her leg. There were times during the conversation where I could sense her becoming emotional, although the expression on her face confused me. It appeared as a mix between crying and laughing; it was confusing to read which emotion she was expressing in those moments.
It became quite obvious after a while that these symptoms were a result of diabetes. Which type, I'm not sure, although her diet alluded to the second. Her favorite restaurant in the city was King Lee's, where she would order with her husband a combination of either Shrimp Chow Mein, Pork Fried Rice, or Fried Chicken Wings. One can get a sense that continuing this diet into her old age most likely contributed to her disease and recurrent ER visits.
I didn't want her prolonging on the topic of her illness, so I shifted the conversation to her family. She has four granddaughters, all of whom live in Dayton, Ohio, all of whom are at least in their teenage years, some graduating from college and having moved on to New York to pursue a career in fashion. Although she always offers to fly out there, or to fly them over here. the mother doesn't allow the granddaughters to visit, mainly because of their grandmother's condition, being confined to a wheelchair. Yet again, this topic seemed to bring about more of that peculiar laughing/crying face, so I wanted to change the subject again.
This time I asked about her previous work. She was a banker in the city for 30 years- 10 of them were spent in the domestic department, the last 20 in international. This led to her reminiscing about one of her coworkers, a Japanese man married to a Chinese woman, that always took their group out for dim sum in some of the best places in Chinatown. She was a fan of dim sum, which pleased me, but she could never find any decent dim sum establishment without her coworker. She had wanted to catch up with some of these coworkers from her days of employment. However, whenever she called or met the spouse/significant other of the coworker, they would inform her that the person had passed away the year before. She was constantly reminded of her old age, what with all her friends dying around her. She was sorrowful once more.
Looking back on this experience, I don't think I should have kept probing her with question that brought up such terrible memories. The paramedics eventually came to transport her home. I picked up her dress from the chair so that she could change into it. Her purse, I had picked up earlier in the night because she wanted to order 3 units of chicken wings from King Lee's, after having a debate with her husband on the phone about what to eat when she got back from the ER. Sadly, she ended up taking off her gown in front of me. Yet ANOTHER senior moment involving me seeing geriatric naughty bits. I swear, I get more nudity from this hospital than from the television shows I watch online.
And of all things, she started barking out orders to me! Even the paramedics were laughing at feeling sorry for me. "Jason, hand me my blanket." "Jason, where are you? Get me some more ice, will ya?" Sheesh! We said our goodbyes- I said, "See you later," to which she replied, "But not too soon!"
I was bound to leave again towards the end of my shift, when I walked into a room to ask this old African American woman if she needed anything, as the call light had been ringing without anybody answering it.
She was starving during her stay, which had been over 4 hours now, so I ran into the pantry to grab some apple juice and graham crackers for her.
Like any other patient that's geen given attention by someone in the ED, she was appreciative, asking for another refill of the apple juice before starting up a conversation.
She was waiting to be discharged from having bled out of her arm that night. Her doctors were currently treating her for dialysis, but I'm not sure what connection I can draw between that and the arm bleeding. It turns out that in the previous year, she had been admitted for these severe blisters. The primary care physician decided to send her to a dermatologist instead of a podiatrist, and the dermatologist just told her to soak her feet in warm water for the blisters to subside.
That wasn't the case, and when she was sent in again to the hospital, they had discovered gangrene in her foot. Then, the doctor advised amputation before she lost any more of her leg. There were times during the conversation where I could sense her becoming emotional, although the expression on her face confused me. It appeared as a mix between crying and laughing; it was confusing to read which emotion she was expressing in those moments.
It became quite obvious after a while that these symptoms were a result of diabetes. Which type, I'm not sure, although her diet alluded to the second. Her favorite restaurant in the city was King Lee's, where she would order with her husband a combination of either Shrimp Chow Mein, Pork Fried Rice, or Fried Chicken Wings. One can get a sense that continuing this diet into her old age most likely contributed to her disease and recurrent ER visits.
I didn't want her prolonging on the topic of her illness, so I shifted the conversation to her family. She has four granddaughters, all of whom live in Dayton, Ohio, all of whom are at least in their teenage years, some graduating from college and having moved on to New York to pursue a career in fashion. Although she always offers to fly out there, or to fly them over here. the mother doesn't allow the granddaughters to visit, mainly because of their grandmother's condition, being confined to a wheelchair. Yet again, this topic seemed to bring about more of that peculiar laughing/crying face, so I wanted to change the subject again.
This time I asked about her previous work. She was a banker in the city for 30 years- 10 of them were spent in the domestic department, the last 20 in international. This led to her reminiscing about one of her coworkers, a Japanese man married to a Chinese woman, that always took their group out for dim sum in some of the best places in Chinatown. She was a fan of dim sum, which pleased me, but she could never find any decent dim sum establishment without her coworker. She had wanted to catch up with some of these coworkers from her days of employment. However, whenever she called or met the spouse/significant other of the coworker, they would inform her that the person had passed away the year before. She was constantly reminded of her old age, what with all her friends dying around her. She was sorrowful once more.
Looking back on this experience, I don't think I should have kept probing her with question that brought up such terrible memories. The paramedics eventually came to transport her home. I picked up her dress from the chair so that she could change into it. Her purse, I had picked up earlier in the night because she wanted to order 3 units of chicken wings from King Lee's, after having a debate with her husband on the phone about what to eat when she got back from the ER. Sadly, she ended up taking off her gown in front of me. Yet ANOTHER senior moment involving me seeing geriatric naughty bits. I swear, I get more nudity from this hospital than from the television shows I watch online.
And of all things, she started barking out orders to me! Even the paramedics were laughing at feeling sorry for me. "Jason, hand me my blanket." "Jason, where are you? Get me some more ice, will ya?" Sheesh! We said our goodbyes- I said, "See you later," to which she replied, "But not too soon!"
6.16.2011
Joan Paul
The ED tonight wasn't so exciting until the end. There was one child who had a seizure and fell to the floor, with several nurses then occluding the doorway to his room. This brought to mind my epilepsy project. I went through my head trying to find out what type of seizure he had, if this would be classified as epilepsy, etc. The doctor had decided on a spinal tap with the child, although he would have to be restrained so that the procedure could be performed smoothly without complications.
Later on...
A nurse had asked me for a favor. She wanted me to take care of this patient's husband, who had a mild case of Alzheimer's, at least that's what I thought she told me.
He walked very slowly with us to Radiology, where the nurse and PCT wanted me to sit with him and his wife's purse in order for her to get her x-rays done. Because of his Alzheimer's, I sat there to have a conversation with him, while reminding him every once in a while where his wife is.
Every 5 minutes- as I stared at my watch- the worried husband asked where his wife was. I wasn't sure if this was because of the Alzheimer's, or his impatience with the duration of the procedure. We must have been sitting for over 15 minutes, and I had inadvertently kept asking him questions about his past. After each question, the thought, "Dope!" kept springing up in my head. I asked him if he were a professor in economics, where he lived in the city, where he was originally from. I probably should have put some effort into thinking about how my questions would sound before they came out of my mouth.
Anyway, I tried to distract him with the signs on the wall, telling him repeatedly that his wife was in the room behind us- not the one in front, not the one to the side nor the one down the hall. She was behind us, and we were not allowed to walk into the room, else they might have to retake the x-rays, which would then prolong their stay in the hospital. His hands were shaky, ears full of hair, skin littered with liver spots. He reminded me of that judge in Ally McBeal, the one who liked good dental hygiene for those that watched the show. Halfway through the wait he wanted to stand up and walk around, except he only made one or two paces before his wife came out from the room.
A smile brimmed on his face, and his wife was very eager to talk to me about him. She let me know that he used to be a professor of political science at UC Davis. However, his past was much more interesting. I walked her back to the urgent care room as she was explaining how they met. She worked in foreign exchange, with regards to Eastern Europe, and he happened to show up at a convention. Although they were vastly different in age, they somehow ended up together in the end. Born in Czechoslovakia, he had moved to the states. Playing tennis, and learning English on the side, he was able to obtain an athletic scholarship that sent him to Tufts. The war broke out, and proud of being in America, wanting to serve his country, he joined the army, halting his education. He had a stint in the war with the OSS, the agency leading up to what is now the CIA. After serving our country, he attended Harvard, where he was able to obtain his degree in political science. He was in California, she in New York. However unlikely it was to her that she would date this fellow, she eventually married him, for better or worse.
I was very surprised at how much information patients are willing to divulge about their past and how freely they answered my probing questions. She had come in because of a fall, having had cataracts surgery the week before. The feeling of dizziness and headaches compounded with blurred vision may have resulted in this accident. She revealed that it was usually her husband who was the reason for their hospital visits. By the way, she appreciated the speed at which doctors took care of her during this stay tonight. She had only been in the ED for 2 hours, and when I left, she was merely waiting for the results from the CAT scan.
Her husband's health history is somewhat tragic. I had asked her how mild his Alzheimer's was, and she said not very. 5 years ago, the doctors diagnosed him with having moderate AD. In addition, he had lymphoma and was catheterized for some time. The catheter filled with blood or something, and they spent 6 hours in the ED before any doctor had attended to them (this conversation was introduced when she was comparing the expediency of this visit to previous ones). She then said that he also has congestive heart failure and doesn't drink enough fluids, which could explain his kidney problems. Reflecting on this, it's quite hard to remember everything that happened; the amount that went on in their lives... I could not remember all that information in the brief time that I spent talking with them. One thing I noticed, though, was how the wife kept apologizing to the husband, saying it was her fault that they were staying in the hospital, and that hopefully it won't take too much longer. She attempted to offer him her cranberry juice, but he wouldn't drink it because it was hers. She responded by saying that she's okay with him taking a sip of her drink. I could imagine how difficult it must be to care for someone with AD- the husband constantly gets agitated, according to the wife.
The wife also asked me what I was doing down there. I told her a little about my past in Texas, where I went to college, that I was volunteering in the ED, moved to SF to take classes and find work. I mentioned to her about my work in adult neural stem cell research, explaining to her one of my projects concerning epilepsy. She seemed very interested, which I hoped she would be. I tried to simplify my research as much as possible, telling her that epilepsy is caused by dysfunction in the brain. A certain region of the brain loses neurons, a result of cell death. My project involves isolating and purifying adult neural stem cells- I emphasized adult, since she asked whether I used embryonic stem cells or otherwise. I told her that even throughout adulthood, stem cells persist in all tissues. So I continued, saying that in most epilepsy surgeries, the neurosurgeons take out a piece of their brain. Not ALL of their brain, but a portion of their brain- the piece that generates the seizures, which is discovered by electrically mapping the brain before surgery is performed. I kept explaining to her that they tried to remove as little as possible, so that other brain functions are not compromised. Once this tissue is removed, if the patient consents, I am then allowed to take this tissue and try to culture the progenitor cells. I also provided simple details about neural stem cells, that stem cells are theoretically able to generate all cell types in the brain. After growing up these stem cells, I would then attempt to drive these cells down a certain lineage. That is, I would try to turn them into a specific cell type, the type that is lost in the temporal lobe of the brain, in order to replace the neurons that have degenerated or died off.
In the end, I think she understood, because she was very amazed with the project, and I told her that this therapy had implications in restoring cells lost in a variety of neurodegenerative disorders. She hopes that people are doing the same for Alzheimer's disease. She said that it was a nice pleasure talking to me, she thanked me for taking care of her husband while she was preoccupied, and she hoped that we would see each other again. I shook her hand, then I unexpectedly held the husband's hand before shaking it with two, saying it was a pleasure to meet him, and that I hope he has a good night. The wife responded with something like, "Such a nice boy." I was slightly embarrassed, but this interaction made my night.
My narrative sounds a little busy, but I tried to fill in as much information as I could remember from 4 hours ago. I am nearing a food coma from the spaghetti and bing cherries I had for dinner after volunteering. My eyes are also drying out, so I think I will call it a night.
Clare and Nants are now in town. Yay?
Later on...
A nurse had asked me for a favor. She wanted me to take care of this patient's husband, who had a mild case of Alzheimer's, at least that's what I thought she told me.
He walked very slowly with us to Radiology, where the nurse and PCT wanted me to sit with him and his wife's purse in order for her to get her x-rays done. Because of his Alzheimer's, I sat there to have a conversation with him, while reminding him every once in a while where his wife is.
Every 5 minutes- as I stared at my watch- the worried husband asked where his wife was. I wasn't sure if this was because of the Alzheimer's, or his impatience with the duration of the procedure. We must have been sitting for over 15 minutes, and I had inadvertently kept asking him questions about his past. After each question, the thought, "Dope!" kept springing up in my head. I asked him if he were a professor in economics, where he lived in the city, where he was originally from. I probably should have put some effort into thinking about how my questions would sound before they came out of my mouth.
Anyway, I tried to distract him with the signs on the wall, telling him repeatedly that his wife was in the room behind us- not the one in front, not the one to the side nor the one down the hall. She was behind us, and we were not allowed to walk into the room, else they might have to retake the x-rays, which would then prolong their stay in the hospital. His hands were shaky, ears full of hair, skin littered with liver spots. He reminded me of that judge in Ally McBeal, the one who liked good dental hygiene for those that watched the show. Halfway through the wait he wanted to stand up and walk around, except he only made one or two paces before his wife came out from the room.
A smile brimmed on his face, and his wife was very eager to talk to me about him. She let me know that he used to be a professor of political science at UC Davis. However, his past was much more interesting. I walked her back to the urgent care room as she was explaining how they met. She worked in foreign exchange, with regards to Eastern Europe, and he happened to show up at a convention. Although they were vastly different in age, they somehow ended up together in the end. Born in Czechoslovakia, he had moved to the states. Playing tennis, and learning English on the side, he was able to obtain an athletic scholarship that sent him to Tufts. The war broke out, and proud of being in America, wanting to serve his country, he joined the army, halting his education. He had a stint in the war with the OSS, the agency leading up to what is now the CIA. After serving our country, he attended Harvard, where he was able to obtain his degree in political science. He was in California, she in New York. However unlikely it was to her that she would date this fellow, she eventually married him, for better or worse.
I was very surprised at how much information patients are willing to divulge about their past and how freely they answered my probing questions. She had come in because of a fall, having had cataracts surgery the week before. The feeling of dizziness and headaches compounded with blurred vision may have resulted in this accident. She revealed that it was usually her husband who was the reason for their hospital visits. By the way, she appreciated the speed at which doctors took care of her during this stay tonight. She had only been in the ED for 2 hours, and when I left, she was merely waiting for the results from the CAT scan.
Her husband's health history is somewhat tragic. I had asked her how mild his Alzheimer's was, and she said not very. 5 years ago, the doctors diagnosed him with having moderate AD. In addition, he had lymphoma and was catheterized for some time. The catheter filled with blood or something, and they spent 6 hours in the ED before any doctor had attended to them (this conversation was introduced when she was comparing the expediency of this visit to previous ones). She then said that he also has congestive heart failure and doesn't drink enough fluids, which could explain his kidney problems. Reflecting on this, it's quite hard to remember everything that happened; the amount that went on in their lives... I could not remember all that information in the brief time that I spent talking with them. One thing I noticed, though, was how the wife kept apologizing to the husband, saying it was her fault that they were staying in the hospital, and that hopefully it won't take too much longer. She attempted to offer him her cranberry juice, but he wouldn't drink it because it was hers. She responded by saying that she's okay with him taking a sip of her drink. I could imagine how difficult it must be to care for someone with AD- the husband constantly gets agitated, according to the wife.
The wife also asked me what I was doing down there. I told her a little about my past in Texas, where I went to college, that I was volunteering in the ED, moved to SF to take classes and find work. I mentioned to her about my work in adult neural stem cell research, explaining to her one of my projects concerning epilepsy. She seemed very interested, which I hoped she would be. I tried to simplify my research as much as possible, telling her that epilepsy is caused by dysfunction in the brain. A certain region of the brain loses neurons, a result of cell death. My project involves isolating and purifying adult neural stem cells- I emphasized adult, since she asked whether I used embryonic stem cells or otherwise. I told her that even throughout adulthood, stem cells persist in all tissues. So I continued, saying that in most epilepsy surgeries, the neurosurgeons take out a piece of their brain. Not ALL of their brain, but a portion of their brain- the piece that generates the seizures, which is discovered by electrically mapping the brain before surgery is performed. I kept explaining to her that they tried to remove as little as possible, so that other brain functions are not compromised. Once this tissue is removed, if the patient consents, I am then allowed to take this tissue and try to culture the progenitor cells. I also provided simple details about neural stem cells, that stem cells are theoretically able to generate all cell types in the brain. After growing up these stem cells, I would then attempt to drive these cells down a certain lineage. That is, I would try to turn them into a specific cell type, the type that is lost in the temporal lobe of the brain, in order to replace the neurons that have degenerated or died off.
In the end, I think she understood, because she was very amazed with the project, and I told her that this therapy had implications in restoring cells lost in a variety of neurodegenerative disorders. She hopes that people are doing the same for Alzheimer's disease. She said that it was a nice pleasure talking to me, she thanked me for taking care of her husband while she was preoccupied, and she hoped that we would see each other again. I shook her hand, then I unexpectedly held the husband's hand before shaking it with two, saying it was a pleasure to meet him, and that I hope he has a good night. The wife responded with something like, "Such a nice boy." I was slightly embarrassed, but this interaction made my night.
My narrative sounds a little busy, but I tried to fill in as much information as I could remember from 4 hours ago. I am nearing a food coma from the spaghetti and bing cherries I had for dinner after volunteering. My eyes are also drying out, so I think I will call it a night.
Clare and Nants are now in town. Yay?
6.03.2011
loom
Nants is in town! I wonder when she wants to hang out? There's actually quite a few movies that I've been yearning to watch: Bridesmaids, X-men: First Class, Kung Fu Panda 2, Midnight in Paris.
More about the wedding:
The flight there was quite nice. Low stress, if anything.
--- I can't remember where I was going with this post, so I'll just publish it for now. ---
More about the wedding:
The flight there was quite nice. Low stress, if anything.
--- I can't remember where I was going with this post, so I'll just publish it for now. ---
6.01.2011
chimi churri
The wedding...
THE WEDDING!
What else is there left to say?
It was a delight to see everyone from college.
30.
It's been a while since I've had a dream about Drab. Guess it was due time.
He was naked. I was naked. He was standing beside me, talking to me. I was terribly uncomfortable. Then I had to go to the bathroom to pee, and water started seeping up from the floor, rising ever so slowly until I woke up.
I bet I only dreamed about him because I spent so much time with him this weekend. Sigh...
THE WEDDING!
What else is there left to say?
It was a delight to see everyone from college.
30.
It's been a while since I've had a dream about Drab. Guess it was due time.
He was naked. I was naked. He was standing beside me, talking to me. I was terribly uncomfortable. Then I had to go to the bathroom to pee, and water started seeping up from the floor, rising ever so slowly until I woke up.
I bet I only dreamed about him because I spent so much time with him this weekend. Sigh...
5.28.2011
calamisphere
I lost all my hair again.
The older I get, the less fond I am of haircuts. Every time I have to cut it short, it's another reminder that my hairline is either receding, or just high to begin with, that it looks like I'm balding.
Maybe I am. Who knows?
In any case, the barber this time did not know a word of English. I still have no command of the Cantonese language. Yet there we were, one trying to tell the other how to cut his hair, the other trying to tell the other how he will cut his hair.
Sigh.
8 more hours until my flight to Virginia. I dread coast-to-coast flights, mainly because of the length of the trip.
This time, I managed to book aisle seats on every flight so that i don't bug people when I have to go to the bathroom because of my tiny bladder.
Showering the shame off of me.
Final decision: just stick with the 3-piece suit, bring a pair of black slacks just in case, along with a gray, black, and red tie. And a skinny black tie.
The older I get, the less fond I am of haircuts. Every time I have to cut it short, it's another reminder that my hairline is either receding, or just high to begin with, that it looks like I'm balding.
Maybe I am. Who knows?
In any case, the barber this time did not know a word of English. I still have no command of the Cantonese language. Yet there we were, one trying to tell the other how to cut his hair, the other trying to tell the other how he will cut his hair.
Sigh.
8 more hours until my flight to Virginia. I dread coast-to-coast flights, mainly because of the length of the trip.
This time, I managed to book aisle seats on every flight so that i don't bug people when I have to go to the bathroom because of my tiny bladder.
Showering the shame off of me.
Final decision: just stick with the 3-piece suit, bring a pair of black slacks just in case, along with a gray, black, and red tie. And a skinny black tie.
5.23.2011
omakase
Clare came up to spend time in SF.
Hung out with him Saturday.
Ate many things on the SF 7x7 list. Spent almost $200 that day. Um yeah.
Farmer's market Bing Cherries: sample was sweet, basket not so much.
Sweetwater oysters: delightful.
Ahi Tuna Burger: great fish, mediocre burger. Garlic fries on the side.
Loaf of bread from Tartine: too sour/burnt for me.
Salted-caramel ice cream from Bi-Rite Creamery: gross.
Russian River beer at Magnolia Pub: too strong for me. Only finished half.
Omakase at Sebo: 6-course tasting menu of Japanese food. Light/refreshing, but not filling at all.
Hung out with him Saturday.
Ate many things on the SF 7x7 list. Spent almost $200 that day. Um yeah.
Farmer's market Bing Cherries: sample was sweet, basket not so much.
Sweetwater oysters: delightful.
Ahi Tuna Burger: great fish, mediocre burger. Garlic fries on the side.
Loaf of bread from Tartine: too sour/burnt for me.
Salted-caramel ice cream from Bi-Rite Creamery: gross.
Russian River beer at Magnolia Pub: too strong for me. Only finished half.
Omakase at Sebo: 6-course tasting menu of Japanese food. Light/refreshing, but not filling at all.
5.18.2011
cookies and creme
I think I'm getting depressed from exercise.
I understand that working out produces endorphins, but it has done nothing but wreck my metabolism. Consumption of food for lunch has doubled in cost while quantities have tripled in size.
The challenges of maintaining weight while trying to train for a marathon alongside performing a navy seal workout...
On the upside, I can see almost 8 abs, but how is that supposed to benefit me when I'm not even in the pursuit of dating anybody?
Positive news: I will be hanging out w/ Clare sometime this weekend. Perhaps we should go shopping for wedding outfits? Don't people that come in pairs to stores for wedding clothes get served coffee while the clerks shuffle out with store items for people to visually sample?
I understand that working out produces endorphins, but it has done nothing but wreck my metabolism. Consumption of food for lunch has doubled in cost while quantities have tripled in size.
The challenges of maintaining weight while trying to train for a marathon alongside performing a navy seal workout...
On the upside, I can see almost 8 abs, but how is that supposed to benefit me when I'm not even in the pursuit of dating anybody?
Positive news: I will be hanging out w/ Clare sometime this weekend. Perhaps we should go shopping for wedding outfits? Don't people that come in pairs to stores for wedding clothes get served coffee while the clerks shuffle out with store items for people to visually sample?
3.25.2011
bland
If you're going to overdose the child, it would be better to overdose them on ibuprofen than acetaminophen, because the latter may cause permanent liver damage.
This applies only if the child does not have a broken bone, or needs to heal an internal wound. Ibuprofen is an NSAID, therefore an anti-clotting agent?
More things I learned while shadowing Synth.
I woke up this morning thinking about that lesson for some reason, before I got up to take care of some things at work until the time I had to take public transit to SFO.
Not that it mattered, since my flight was delayed for 3 hours.
This applies only if the child does not have a broken bone, or needs to heal an internal wound. Ibuprofen is an NSAID, therefore an anti-clotting agent?
More things I learned while shadowing Synth.
I woke up this morning thinking about that lesson for some reason, before I got up to take care of some things at work until the time I had to take public transit to SFO.
Not that it mattered, since my flight was delayed for 3 hours.
3.23.2011
nationality
Volunteered in the ED tonight.
First patient, 86 years old, numbness/headache in left hemisphere, blacking out of left eye every so often for hours at a time. She used to be a tour guide in the city, hosting at conferences held here. The uncomfortable part was taking off her leads- I had to see granny boobs. BLEGH!!!
One worker down on the floor asked me whether I was Chinese or not, and which language I could speak. Once I said Chinese and spoke to her in Cantonese, she complimented me, saying how she thought I was more handsome, now that she knew I was Chinese.
Why is it always the old Asian ladies that think I'm cute?
Second patient, 83 years old, diabetic, had colon cancer, pain in legs but generally all over her body. She began with complaining about being hungry, so I tried to bring the tray of food over to her to eat. She couldn't, or wouldn't, eat any of it. She settled on the wheat roll and some apple chunks, but only after I cut off the skin for her. During the time I was handing over the apples to her, she asked me what nationality I was. I told her Chinese, yet she assumed that I was either Japanese or Korean. Ladies came in to get her to sign insurance forms and other waivers, to which she suggested that I sign them for her, but the ladies told her that that was not possible. She told many stories, one about smoking, partying, drinking in the past, and another about all the small businesses surrounding her neighborhood, with the best bakery in town. Hilda's Bakery, I think it was called.
This patient was worried about being sent over to CPMC because they were horrible with her, but the staff were actually sending her to Mt. Zion, which made her still worry since it was not such a great neighborhood. A chaplain came in to comfort her, which made me uncomfortable- she told him that she wanted to tie a chain around my neck, and put an apple in my mouth, to take me with her to Mt. Zion. The chaplain teased me by saying that I might actually like that. At some point, I think she said she loved me. She offended the chaplain a little by asking if he were English. He was Irish. She also asked him about me," Isn't he a nice young man?" He replied comically with,"I'm afraid I'm going to have to refrain from saying that." He started chuckling, and pat my head. I tried to chuckle with him, to make the situation less awkward. Oh dear.
This same patient kept talking some more, and eventually the paramedics arrived to take her elsewhere. She had to go pee so I left the room, and my shift was over so I went back to lab.
First patient, 86 years old, numbness/headache in left hemisphere, blacking out of left eye every so often for hours at a time. She used to be a tour guide in the city, hosting at conferences held here. The uncomfortable part was taking off her leads- I had to see granny boobs. BLEGH!!!
One worker down on the floor asked me whether I was Chinese or not, and which language I could speak. Once I said Chinese and spoke to her in Cantonese, she complimented me, saying how she thought I was more handsome, now that she knew I was Chinese.
Why is it always the old Asian ladies that think I'm cute?
Second patient, 83 years old, diabetic, had colon cancer, pain in legs but generally all over her body. She began with complaining about being hungry, so I tried to bring the tray of food over to her to eat. She couldn't, or wouldn't, eat any of it. She settled on the wheat roll and some apple chunks, but only after I cut off the skin for her. During the time I was handing over the apples to her, she asked me what nationality I was. I told her Chinese, yet she assumed that I was either Japanese or Korean. Ladies came in to get her to sign insurance forms and other waivers, to which she suggested that I sign them for her, but the ladies told her that that was not possible. She told many stories, one about smoking, partying, drinking in the past, and another about all the small businesses surrounding her neighborhood, with the best bakery in town. Hilda's Bakery, I think it was called.
This patient was worried about being sent over to CPMC because they were horrible with her, but the staff were actually sending her to Mt. Zion, which made her still worry since it was not such a great neighborhood. A chaplain came in to comfort her, which made me uncomfortable- she told him that she wanted to tie a chain around my neck, and put an apple in my mouth, to take me with her to Mt. Zion. The chaplain teased me by saying that I might actually like that. At some point, I think she said she loved me. She offended the chaplain a little by asking if he were English. He was Irish. She also asked him about me," Isn't he a nice young man?" He replied comically with,"I'm afraid I'm going to have to refrain from saying that." He started chuckling, and pat my head. I tried to chuckle with him, to make the situation less awkward. Oh dear.
This same patient kept talking some more, and eventually the paramedics arrived to take her elsewhere. She had to go pee so I left the room, and my shift was over so I went back to lab.
3.22.2011
peds
I shadowed my boss's wife tonight in the Pediatric Urgent Care unit.
It was repetitive, but nice. I could definitely get used to a lifestyle that is predictable, and not so chaotic like lab.
The kids were... cute? The sick ones as well as the siblings. Interacting with the children was obviously much easier for me than interacting with the parents. The kids just kept staring at me and wanting to play. Ugh.
Although I can't say that I enjoy looking into kids' ears and mouths, even though it was interesting being able to view the tympanic membrane with that otoscope? What the hell is that instrument called?!
It also seemed as though the cure-all for every condition, for every child we saw in the ED, was acetaminophen or ibuprofen.
2 stomachaches, a strep throat, one with earaches, and deposits oozing out of another's eyes.
This seems more relaxed than what I'm used to in the ED. Surely there's something for everybody in medicine.
Final thoughts: I'd prefer looking at a child's brain. Somehow it doesn't gross me out as much as looking up their nose, mouth, and any other orifice. There's probably a lower chance of me having to ask about their urine and stool.
Medical information gathered: Triad of asthma, allergy, and ..., infection would be indicated by leukocytes in urine, but high protein indicates dryness/dehydration. Forgot what bilirubin indicated... high glucose for diabetes? Even tonight felt like drinking from a fire hydrant.
It was repetitive, but nice. I could definitely get used to a lifestyle that is predictable, and not so chaotic like lab.
The kids were... cute? The sick ones as well as the siblings. Interacting with the children was obviously much easier for me than interacting with the parents. The kids just kept staring at me and wanting to play. Ugh.
Although I can't say that I enjoy looking into kids' ears and mouths, even though it was interesting being able to view the tympanic membrane with that otoscope? What the hell is that instrument called?!
It also seemed as though the cure-all for every condition, for every child we saw in the ED, was acetaminophen or ibuprofen.
2 stomachaches, a strep throat, one with earaches, and deposits oozing out of another's eyes.
This seems more relaxed than what I'm used to in the ED. Surely there's something for everybody in medicine.
Final thoughts: I'd prefer looking at a child's brain. Somehow it doesn't gross me out as much as looking up their nose, mouth, and any other orifice. There's probably a lower chance of me having to ask about their urine and stool.
Medical information gathered: Triad of asthma, allergy, and ..., infection would be indicated by leukocytes in urine, but high protein indicates dryness/dehydration. Forgot what bilirubin indicated... high glucose for diabetes? Even tonight felt like drinking from a fire hydrant.
3.17.2011
progress report
Exciting news- my brother was accepted into UCLA's MBA program. He will be starting this fall, part-time. Supposedly that only takes 3 years to finish.
He is celebrating with my family/relatives this weekend. Ergh, I wish I were down there right now (he notified everyone that he would be treating them all to dinner).
What gift should I get him for this accomplishment?
When will it be my turn? I laid down on the couch/benches in our break room, staring up at the ceiling, wondering about my existence.
He is celebrating with my family/relatives this weekend. Ergh, I wish I were down there right now (he notified everyone that he would be treating them all to dinner).
What gift should I get him for this accomplishment?
When will it be my turn? I laid down on the couch/benches in our break room, staring up at the ceiling, wondering about my existence.
urgent care
I was volunteering in the ER again last night.
They always seem to have food whenever I volunteer. Mmm.
Cheese and crackers, vegetable with ranch dip, cookies and tarts. I ate a lot of it during my breaks, of which I took many.
Once again, I was assigned the task of translating questions to a Cantonese-speaking elderly gentleman in one of the rooms. For the life of me, I had no idea how to translate insurance. The lady needed him to sign a form for either MediCal, MediCaid, or MediCare, and I told him in Chinese that he would have to sign this form in order to be hospitalized in one of the rooms upstairs.
He was very concerned that he was signing something he was not familiar with, that he might sign away his rights. I never even use the word "insurance" in conversations with my parents. If my mom calls to see if I've received my car insurance form, she would just use the English word for it. I think...
Anyhow, it was weird forcing a patient to sign a form without coherent disclosure.
There was another Asian patient in a different room who seemed just like a vegetable. He was a nursing home patient, and completely out of it when I entered the room to help roll him over so that the nurse could wipe his backside and make sure he did not defecate in his own bed.
Later on in the night, some cute children arrived in the ER, crying of course. One Asian kid seemed scared when he was laid flat on the gurney. Another blonde girl either had lost her fingernail or suffered head trauma. I never get the story straight since I'm usually passing by while faintly eavesdropping among the parents and nurses conversing with each other.
One of the primary care technicians down in the ED always forces food on me. I feel bad about taking it, but what else am I supposed to do when she's standing between me and the room that stores the snacks/drinks/extra dinners?
I'm going through both boxed lunches tonight while waiting for my lentivirus to spin down. FINALLY, the virus production protocol is working again!
They always seem to have food whenever I volunteer. Mmm.
Cheese and crackers, vegetable with ranch dip, cookies and tarts. I ate a lot of it during my breaks, of which I took many.
Once again, I was assigned the task of translating questions to a Cantonese-speaking elderly gentleman in one of the rooms. For the life of me, I had no idea how to translate insurance. The lady needed him to sign a form for either MediCal, MediCaid, or MediCare, and I told him in Chinese that he would have to sign this form in order to be hospitalized in one of the rooms upstairs.
He was very concerned that he was signing something he was not familiar with, that he might sign away his rights. I never even use the word "insurance" in conversations with my parents. If my mom calls to see if I've received my car insurance form, she would just use the English word for it. I think...
Anyhow, it was weird forcing a patient to sign a form without coherent disclosure.
There was another Asian patient in a different room who seemed just like a vegetable. He was a nursing home patient, and completely out of it when I entered the room to help roll him over so that the nurse could wipe his backside and make sure he did not defecate in his own bed.
Later on in the night, some cute children arrived in the ER, crying of course. One Asian kid seemed scared when he was laid flat on the gurney. Another blonde girl either had lost her fingernail or suffered head trauma. I never get the story straight since I'm usually passing by while faintly eavesdropping among the parents and nurses conversing with each other.
One of the primary care technicians down in the ED always forces food on me. I feel bad about taking it, but what else am I supposed to do when she's standing between me and the room that stores the snacks/drinks/extra dinners?
I'm going through both boxed lunches tonight while waiting for my lentivirus to spin down. FINALLY, the virus production protocol is working again!
3.11.2011
public transit
Oh yeah.
I had a dream last night where I was riding the bus along Geary St. towards dance class.
I get off the bus, start walking to dance class, and as I enter the dance studio and try to put away my belongings in a locker, I notice that my backpack is missing.
Several items fly around in my head: my wallet, my cell phone, and my clothes for dancing.
I stand there contemplating whether it would be possible to catch the same bus with the same bus driver on the return trip.
Suddenly I'm waiting outside on the street and enter the same bus, with the same bus number, and the same bus driver. Once inside, I start walking down the aisles to find my backpack being clenched tightly to a girl's chest.
I ask her nicely if I can have my backpack back, because clearly it's worn and looks exactly like mine.
She gives me some lip, and since I apparently don't take crap from strangers, I being wailing my fist at her face repeatedly. As I kept punching away, the passenger next to her sitting still, I woke up and got ready for work.
I had a dream last night where I was riding the bus along Geary St. towards dance class.
I get off the bus, start walking to dance class, and as I enter the dance studio and try to put away my belongings in a locker, I notice that my backpack is missing.
Several items fly around in my head: my wallet, my cell phone, and my clothes for dancing.
I stand there contemplating whether it would be possible to catch the same bus with the same bus driver on the return trip.
Suddenly I'm waiting outside on the street and enter the same bus, with the same bus number, and the same bus driver. Once inside, I start walking down the aisles to find my backpack being clenched tightly to a girl's chest.
I ask her nicely if I can have my backpack back, because clearly it's worn and looks exactly like mine.
She gives me some lip, and since I apparently don't take crap from strangers, I being wailing my fist at her face repeatedly. As I kept punching away, the passenger next to her sitting still, I woke up and got ready for work.
tsunami
How many of you have negative perceptions about your boss at work?
I'm not sure if any personal bias is playing a role, but I feel that lately I evaluate my boss as being lazy.
Every time he takes a break from his office, he's always spending at least an hour talking to someone in the break room.
This probably angers me because of his hypocrisy- you can't criticize your employee for wasting time when you yourself are just as wasteful. If you're going to be a role model, you shouldn't say things that you don't abide by.
Just saying.
I'm not sure if any personal bias is playing a role, but I feel that lately I evaluate my boss as being lazy.
Every time he takes a break from his office, he's always spending at least an hour talking to someone in the break room.
This probably angers me because of his hypocrisy- you can't criticize your employee for wasting time when you yourself are just as wasteful. If you're going to be a role model, you shouldn't say things that you don't abide by.
Just saying.
3.08.2011
larkspur
I had no idea Rubarb lived in the city, which makes us neighbors, just as in CityVille!
Terrible game.
I'm not ready for Janey to come to SF while I still suffer from Spanish Flu.
Such a nuisance!
The only thing keeping my head sane, oddly enough, is listening to electronic music. Specifically, Korean electropop music. Shameless, I know.
My roommate/lab manager sucks, in both roles. He thinks that just because he's sick, I'm going to bring home some spray bottle of ethanol, which he thinks would solve his bed bug problem.
I asked him to do something over a week ago, not for me, but for the lab. Guess if he's performed that task yet.
The answer is no.
Terrible game.
I'm not ready for Janey to come to SF while I still suffer from Spanish Flu.
Such a nuisance!
The only thing keeping my head sane, oddly enough, is listening to electronic music. Specifically, Korean electropop music. Shameless, I know.
My roommate/lab manager sucks, in both roles. He thinks that just because he's sick, I'm going to bring home some spray bottle of ethanol, which he thinks would solve his bed bug problem.
I asked him to do something over a week ago, not for me, but for the lab. Guess if he's performed that task yet.
The answer is no.
3.07.2011
mezcal
Coming to work with flu-like symptoms is not the best idea in the world.
I sweat infrequently, feel bloated from gas, and have to situate myself near a trashcan in the off-chance that I do throw up.
I sweat infrequently, feel bloated from gas, and have to situate myself near a trashcan in the off-chance that I do throw up.
3.03.2011
gusano
I feel I've been too selfish in my thinking. My time investment into science has separated me from the rest of the world.
Just now I read an article about how the U.S. needs to embrace flexibility if they want to stay as successful as they were in the 60s and 70s, when they began construction of highways, reforming education, etc.
Now it seems our programs are outdated (?), but parties on both sides are more likely to slash spending on education, technology, than they are to cut expenses in other areas. Even raising taxes seems unfavorable.
Maybe in a decade, I should move to Sweden, Germany, Japan, or China.
It's such an American thing to do: adjust conditions to benefit those in the present, yet never thinking about preparing for the future. If it's not a problem for people today, then they don't want to deal with it.
I feel as though this is how lab acts at times. Nobody wants to make it their problem.
Just now I read an article about how the U.S. needs to embrace flexibility if they want to stay as successful as they were in the 60s and 70s, when they began construction of highways, reforming education, etc.
Now it seems our programs are outdated (?), but parties on both sides are more likely to slash spending on education, technology, than they are to cut expenses in other areas. Even raising taxes seems unfavorable.
Maybe in a decade, I should move to Sweden, Germany, Japan, or China.
It's such an American thing to do: adjust conditions to benefit those in the present, yet never thinking about preparing for the future. If it's not a problem for people today, then they don't want to deal with it.
I feel as though this is how lab acts at times. Nobody wants to make it their problem.
psych eval
Architect.
52 years old black lady.
Husband killed in front, illegally discharged/subpoenaed, ex-husband, energy is love, positive attraction.
10x 11th time suicide.
Asians criticizing language skills.
Great-grandma, missing son in Seattle, teenage pregnant granddaughter.
Free dinner. Blueberry crumble pie.
Shrinking by boss.
Catching up with old friends.
All in a night's work in the ED.
Offers to shadow in neurology, pediatric neurology, pediatrics.
52 years old black lady.
Husband killed in front, illegally discharged/subpoenaed, ex-husband, energy is love, positive attraction.
10x 11th time suicide.
Asians criticizing language skills.
Great-grandma, missing son in Seattle, teenage pregnant granddaughter.
Free dinner. Blueberry crumble pie.
Shrinking by boss.
Catching up with old friends.
All in a night's work in the ED.
Offers to shadow in neurology, pediatric neurology, pediatrics.
2.28.2011
diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma
It's happening again. This phase where I come into work angry each day.
Is this a sign that I should just quit my job?
As much as I enjoy the science, is there a point to me working each day when everyday, I have to deal with the deficiencies of my PI and lab manager?
I consider my boss to be a blind idiot who is completely oblivious to the daily occurrences of lab. I consider my lab manager to be the dumbest person alive to have ever joined our lab, with the following personal attributes: lazy, procrastinates, unreliable, not punctual, not on top of things, irresponsible, blames others/external forces for his own mistakes, overly sensitive/defensive to criticism, unprofessional, rude, morally bankrupt, and vindictive.
I wrote up a list of the 10+ things I hate about working with my lab manager. No redeeming quality whatsoever came up. Granted, this IS a hate list. Even then, writing away one's anger, one should be able to discover some positive aspect about a person, right?
This puts me in a predicament, though. If I quit, I have free time to study and travel. On the other hand, I would have to explain this during interviews my reason for quitting, and asking my PI to write my letter of recommendation would be uncomfortable. I stay, I get a decent letter, but I have to spend another year dealing with these people, who are reluctant to change.
Is this a sign that I should just quit my job?
As much as I enjoy the science, is there a point to me working each day when everyday, I have to deal with the deficiencies of my PI and lab manager?
I consider my boss to be a blind idiot who is completely oblivious to the daily occurrences of lab. I consider my lab manager to be the dumbest person alive to have ever joined our lab, with the following personal attributes: lazy, procrastinates, unreliable, not punctual, not on top of things, irresponsible, blames others/external forces for his own mistakes, overly sensitive/defensive to criticism, unprofessional, rude, morally bankrupt, and vindictive.
I wrote up a list of the 10+ things I hate about working with my lab manager. No redeeming quality whatsoever came up. Granted, this IS a hate list. Even then, writing away one's anger, one should be able to discover some positive aspect about a person, right?
This puts me in a predicament, though. If I quit, I have free time to study and travel. On the other hand, I would have to explain this during interviews my reason for quitting, and asking my PI to write my letter of recommendation would be uncomfortable. I stay, I get a decent letter, but I have to spend another year dealing with these people, who are reluctant to change.
2.27.2011
creamy alfredo
Is it possible that you just don't want to kiss someone BECAUSE you like them so much?
And that you just have your way with them just because you were brought up to be well-mannered?
Are there awkward situations that arise between people because they like each other, but are too nervous to act upon their impulses?
And that you just have your way with them just because you were brought up to be well-mannered?
Are there awkward situations that arise between people because they like each other, but are too nervous to act upon their impulses?
2.26.2011
immolation
I'm fed up with our lab manager.
He sucks.
5 members of the lab group, including me, met after our journal club meeting Friday.
I finally discovered that they all shared the same sentiments as me regarding our coworker.
They are very dissatisfied with him, his lack of effort, diligence, punctuality, professionalism, every quality that makes someone easy to get along and work with.
He pissed me off again today when I asked him to update a list of accounts involving sites that the lab orders common supplies from. Even though I tried to explain to him the reason for adding accounts to obscure companies, he just mouthed off like always because he doesn't like doing work at work.
Such a jackass. I've reached a point where I just want to storm in to my PI's office and offer him an ultimatum where only one of us can stay in this lab. I can't work anymore with someone who holds the lab back by delaying their progress.
He sucks.
5 members of the lab group, including me, met after our journal club meeting Friday.
I finally discovered that they all shared the same sentiments as me regarding our coworker.
They are very dissatisfied with him, his lack of effort, diligence, punctuality, professionalism, every quality that makes someone easy to get along and work with.
He pissed me off again today when I asked him to update a list of accounts involving sites that the lab orders common supplies from. Even though I tried to explain to him the reason for adding accounts to obscure companies, he just mouthed off like always because he doesn't like doing work at work.
Such a jackass. I've reached a point where I just want to storm in to my PI's office and offer him an ultimatum where only one of us can stay in this lab. I can't work anymore with someone who holds the lab back by delaying their progress.
2.18.2011
wnt
I think I can understand why people take sick leave from work.
My nose has its typical texture from blowing into too many tissues: skin rubbed into a red rawness through removal of the epidermis.
My sinuses congested to the point of being unable to breathe properly.
My head filled to the point of impending explosion.
Ohhhhhh need to leave work soon...
My nose has its typical texture from blowing into too many tissues: skin rubbed into a red rawness through removal of the epidermis.
My sinuses congested to the point of being unable to breathe properly.
My head filled to the point of impending explosion.
Ohhhhhh need to leave work soon...
2.06.2011
long necks
Relationships change. You could just feel it with each passing day.
I don't see things as a race anymore. It's not a matter of catching up with everyone. Otherwise I would just live each day feeling left behind.
The same thing that I noticed with Poorneel, I see it happening again with Nants and Janey.
People are just busy, and it seems as though everyone's day has been busier.
My Dan's little Dan gave me a toy truck this weekend when the lab had a get-together at Half Moon Bay. Ate lunch made by one of the postdocs and his partner. We talked, we ate, we drank. I tried to get little Dan to play Scrabble with me, teach him to build words, learn new ones, but his current cravings consist mainly of trains and destruction. However, he was quite amused when I decided to be creative with the scrabble tiles and lay them in intricate domino patterns, for him to later knock down, of course.
Children are so easy to please, difficult to keep focused. That sounds an awful lot like me still.
The times I enjoy lab the most are when it's late at night, with few neighbors moving up and down the aisle, leaving me room to breathe and quietly think.
I don't see things as a race anymore. It's not a matter of catching up with everyone. Otherwise I would just live each day feeling left behind.
The same thing that I noticed with Poorneel, I see it happening again with Nants and Janey.
People are just busy, and it seems as though everyone's day has been busier.
My Dan's little Dan gave me a toy truck this weekend when the lab had a get-together at Half Moon Bay. Ate lunch made by one of the postdocs and his partner. We talked, we ate, we drank. I tried to get little Dan to play Scrabble with me, teach him to build words, learn new ones, but his current cravings consist mainly of trains and destruction. However, he was quite amused when I decided to be creative with the scrabble tiles and lay them in intricate domino patterns, for him to later knock down, of course.
Children are so easy to please, difficult to keep focused. That sounds an awful lot like me still.
The times I enjoy lab the most are when it's late at night, with few neighbors moving up and down the aisle, leaving me room to breathe and quietly think.
2.02.2011
Huguenot
One of Janey's loves, Alexander Rudensky, is coming to give a seminar talk. I don't know if I feel like going, although people have advised the grad students in my lab to read broadly rather than deeply.
Perhaps this also applies to other aspects of graduate school aside from reading those monotonous journal articles. One problem I've been trying to nip in the bud concerns being able to read an entire article completely in one sitting without instinctively distracting myself with other less mundane activities.
Lab has been feeling better. I come to lab less angry, and I have learned to say no to people when they ask me for favors, in particular the lab manager. My negative opinion about him will never change unless he does.
Perhaps this also applies to other aspects of graduate school aside from reading those monotonous journal articles. One problem I've been trying to nip in the bud concerns being able to read an entire article completely in one sitting without instinctively distracting myself with other less mundane activities.
Lab has been feeling better. I come to lab less angry, and I have learned to say no to people when they ask me for favors, in particular the lab manager. My negative opinion about him will never change unless he does.
1.23.2011
luxor
I've been on a chocolate binge in the past few minutes. These Lindt chocolates that my landlady's mother offered since she couldn't eat all of them. Too much sugar. I feel gross.
But not as gross as last night, when I drank too much.
Drinking too much for me = 1 shot of tequila + 1 mixed drink + sips of other people's drinks.
I got bored of my group, so I walked home. Took about 20 minutes. Along the way, I peed on someone's wall, tried to steal balloons off someone's front porch steps, stopped by lab, took tubes out of the pcr block, ate some cheese ravioli alfredo, and went home to sleep.
But not as gross as last night, when I drank too much.
Drinking too much for me = 1 shot of tequila + 1 mixed drink + sips of other people's drinks.
I got bored of my group, so I walked home. Took about 20 minutes. Along the way, I peed on someone's wall, tried to steal balloons off someone's front porch steps, stopped by lab, took tubes out of the pcr block, ate some cheese ravioli alfredo, and went home to sleep.
1.18.2011
mus hus
Last night I had a dream where I was inside the mouse facility, except I wasn't wearing any sterile protective clothing.
Need to stop thinking about lab, or reading science articles, before I go to bed.
Need to stop thinking about lab, or reading science articles, before I go to bed.
1.17.2011
psychotropic
I had a dream last night about Clare. Drab was there too, except he was soundly sleeping for the most part.
Clare's back was facing me, so I moved around to have a look at him, and he was bawling. Whether they were tears of joy or sadness, I couldn't tell. Then, he came out to me, and said he had a boyfriend.
Yeah, that's about it.
I wonder if it's because I've kept in touch with those two out of practical usage- both being in close proximity. Although now Clare is over on the east coast, so I'm not sure why he appeared in the dream. Maybe Drab would have been the one coming out if Clare hadn't manifested in that scene.
The new stem cell building is nice. I like the feeling of standing on air, so I walk closely towards the railing on the walkways of the building. Nice rooftop garden as well. It must be terrifying for whomever has acrophobia.
Janey's smattering of emotion makes me feel as though I were an infant being smothered with a pillow.
What does it take to learn all there is to know about epilepsy? 2000 pages. PAINFUL. I suppose I should get started right away.
Clare's back was facing me, so I moved around to have a look at him, and he was bawling. Whether they were tears of joy or sadness, I couldn't tell. Then, he came out to me, and said he had a boyfriend.
Yeah, that's about it.
I wonder if it's because I've kept in touch with those two out of practical usage- both being in close proximity. Although now Clare is over on the east coast, so I'm not sure why he appeared in the dream. Maybe Drab would have been the one coming out if Clare hadn't manifested in that scene.
The new stem cell building is nice. I like the feeling of standing on air, so I walk closely towards the railing on the walkways of the building. Nice rooftop garden as well. It must be terrifying for whomever has acrophobia.
Janey's smattering of emotion makes me feel as though I were an infant being smothered with a pillow.
What does it take to learn all there is to know about epilepsy? 2000 pages. PAINFUL. I suppose I should get started right away.
1.16.2011
wrinkles in time
Is there a place that's darker than that dark place?
With my constantly negative thinking every day now, I think I've reached a darker place.
How am I going to get out of this pickle?
With my constantly negative thinking every day now, I think I've reached a darker place.
How am I going to get out of this pickle?
1.14.2011
cumate
I suppose one might consider it flattering to be hit on by both Asian guys and girls from the mainland, but...
I'm too tired to deal with their forwardness.
I hate my lab manager, in terms of both his personality and his work ethic. I don't understand why my boss can't see through his bullshit and laziness.
Why was I the only one criticized harshly during our one-on=one meeting regarding that individual development plan???
I'm too tired to deal with their forwardness.
I hate my lab manager, in terms of both his personality and his work ethic. I don't understand why my boss can't see through his bullshit and laziness.
Why was I the only one criticized harshly during our one-on=one meeting regarding that individual development plan???
1.06.2011
decisive
I had a meeting with my Dan this morning, going over some individual development plan that he wants to implement with the lab.
The thing is, I wrote down some things to explain why I could not achieve my top 10 goals in the year. I don't even know if it was my intention, but it came across as excuses, with me being resentful of everyone in lab, particularly my lab manager.
Dan says that we don't communicate with each other well, and maybe that is true to some extent, but what am I supposed to say without hurting anyone's feelings?
Hmm I'm feeling a little better.
I can't even remember what I was writing before lunch.
The thing is, I wrote down some things to explain why I could not achieve my top 10 goals in the year. I don't even know if it was my intention, but it came across as excuses, with me being resentful of everyone in lab, particularly my lab manager.
Dan says that we don't communicate with each other well, and maybe that is true to some extent, but what am I supposed to say without hurting anyone's feelings?
Hmm I'm feeling a little better.
I can't even remember what I was writing before lunch.
1.04.2011
flushed
Dearest Nants,
I would like you to know that today, I have embraced the shame.
First at Austin Bergstrom International Airport, and then again at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport.
This has been the most shameful flights of my life.
Sincerely,
J
P.S. I forgot to mention that I embraced the shame in Waco as well, after drinking Pedialyte.
I would like you to know that today, I have embraced the shame.
First at Austin Bergstrom International Airport, and then again at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport.
This has been the most shameful flights of my life.
Sincerely,
J
P.S. I forgot to mention that I embraced the shame in Waco as well, after drinking Pedialyte.
1.03.2011
sperry
Off to Phoenix in the morning!
Then back to SF!
Spent the day at the Hillsboro Outlets on a shopping spree, what with the 8.25% tax rate here and all the sales going on. I should just make purchases on clothing whenever I come to Texas.
Packing. 6 hours of sleep tonight, more onboard both flights tomorrow. Maybe go grab a haircut tomorrow night after flying in. All in all, not a bad day.
Looking into new smartphones, don't know which one to get. There's the obvious choice: the iPhone 4. Then there's the Samsung Captivate, but then there's also the Meizu M9. I need a decent smartphone that's thin enough to fit in my pocket, doesn't drop calls, and doesn't eat up the battery during the day. Really don't care about video streaming, music, or the camera.
Then back to SF!
Spent the day at the Hillsboro Outlets on a shopping spree, what with the 8.25% tax rate here and all the sales going on. I should just make purchases on clothing whenever I come to Texas.
Packing. 6 hours of sleep tonight, more onboard both flights tomorrow. Maybe go grab a haircut tomorrow night after flying in. All in all, not a bad day.
Looking into new smartphones, don't know which one to get. There's the obvious choice: the iPhone 4. Then there's the Samsung Captivate, but then there's also the Meizu M9. I need a decent smartphone that's thin enough to fit in my pocket, doesn't drop calls, and doesn't eat up the battery during the day. Really don't care about video streaming, music, or the camera.
1.01.2011
dougie
I bought some weird street shirts. Still living in my fantasy of hip-hop dance groups.
Teach Me How to Dougie
Spam: Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner
Sesame Street
Plaid long-sleeved shirt
And some plain crew-neck tee's from Old Navy.
I ended up giving away the spam shirt to my brother. Psh.
SO cheap to go shopping in Texas. More and more, I feel as though if I returned to Texas, I actually wouldn't mind staying in H-town. And only H-town. I would need a really big incentive to go to Dallas.
Teach Me How to Dougie
Spam: Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner
Sesame Street
Plaid long-sleeved shirt
And some plain crew-neck tee's from Old Navy.
I ended up giving away the spam shirt to my brother. Psh.
SO cheap to go shopping in Texas. More and more, I feel as though if I returned to Texas, I actually wouldn't mind staying in H-town. And only H-town. I would need a really big incentive to go to Dallas.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)