REMiniscent Sleep

Dream last night involving my former PI Dan... faint details, chicken scratches I mustered while half awake:
1.) Dinner w/ white tablecloth, sitting across from him, dinner salad/standard mixed greens (Caprese?)
2.) Handed him my resume for neurosurgery residency application: bottom line had an odd statement ("undeliciously good deliciously bad, cookingly") => SO embarrassed, he began chuckling
3.) Did some work at New Mexico army base
4.) He pushed raw onions of his salad to the edge of his plate, complimented the tomatoes
5.) Looked the same + few grey hairs; was dressed in his typical Saturday outfit (white polo w/ holes, khaki pants, boat shoes, watch w/ huge numbers to tell time)
6.) Him quiet, me continually asking Q’s to get response out of him
7.) Told him about candidacy, the absurd Q’s; him saying have to know things like BioRad51
8.) Finally asked about his wife Cynthia
-Dan: "She’s fine, she’s out on the road traveling w/ her husband."
-Me: "Who?"
-Dan: "Cynthia."
-Me: "Cynthia who??"
-Dan: "Cynthia Kim?"
-Me: "OH..."
-Dan: "Yeah..."
-Me: "So when did this..."
-Dan: "Last year (2014)."
-Me: "Do you 2 still talk?"
-Dan: "Not since her husband… straight-shooter brother-in-law… I used to be able to sit next to her on a plane… now can’t even talk to her..."

Woke up sweating

measly mumps

I told my classmates that my grandfather had a stroke the night of my Step 1 exam on the 31st of March.

What I didn't tell them was that he passed away April 26th.

Is this something that I should be sharing with people?

I imagine normal people crying over this loss. Nothing came out of my eyes. Does that make me a bad person?

chvostek

It feels like the right time to purge.

Every past misconception, every minute trace of feeling for people.

I'm not exactly sure about why I became hung up on particular beings, but it feels ridiculous to keep lingering.

What am I confident about?

That she will not be found in Chicago. My gut feeling is that I'm going to be somewhere outside the U.S., overlooking a quiet, serene body of water. And then when I turn right, there will be somebody else staring into the vast emptiness. She will be the one.

respiratory failure

Remember back in the day when it was insulting to still look like a high-schooler in college?

It's past college now, add a few years, and then you have me, older than most of the medical school matriculants in my class.

The hairstylist today thought I looked 22. Now, I take that as a compliment whenever I can get it.

Oh, the vanity.

marathons & bombs

As soon as I started driving my car out of the garage, NPR played a snippet about a bombing that happened in Boston.

...What?

Once that played, they went onto another story, so I had to wait for minutes until they returned to that segment. All I could recall was this feeling that dummyhead Ryan Gordito was running the marathon.

They were airing the news again, talking about how the bombs went off sometime after 3 hours. He probably finished the race by then. But was he lingering around? He's kind of a dummy, but he's likely not dumb enough to sit and wait for other runners to finish.

I actually hesitated on whether or not I should text him to find out if he was okay. I put in my usual text of nonchalance, then left it sitting in my phone as a draft. "Did you die from the explosions?" Yup, that's me. Harsh.

15 minutes was how long I waited before sending that message. "No I'm good," was the response, except he didn't even know who was asking. He eventually guessed me because of the area code and the lack of remorse.

It's strange to be concerned about a being as selfish as he is. Didn't really feel like thinking about him, or the possibilities of him being caught in one of the explosions.

It probably bugs me that I care a tiny ounce about someone so arrogant, vain, selfish, etc.

Gross.

avenue Qpid

I had this mild moment of insanity where I believed that I needed religion in my life.

I get more page visits on my online dating profile than I do on my blog currently. Should I be flattered or insulted? I was telling a pal that I really don't need a boost in confidence from being rated highly on those sites, but the validation is quite nice when once hasn't cared too much about attracting a member of the desired sex in a long time.

broken record

Had this feeling that my days kept replaying like deja vu. It seems like the movie, Groundhog Day, except nothing changes each time, and nothing is improving.

Something that's been on my mind for a while is wondering whether I will ever become close friends with my 7 classmates in the MD/PhD program. There's potential, but will it ever be possible for them to be in that small group of friends whom I travel with through life, no matter where we all walk off to?

circle of life

Remember when I was fostering a bunny for about 2-3 weeks before spring break?

I had a learning community dinner the week after spring break, and I ordered papperdelle. With rabbit ragout. I'm a monster, yes I know.

In other news, I have a new studying schedule for USMLE Step 1, one that won't require me to cram during those golden 6 weeks before the actual test date. Basically I am using Anki to do spaced repetition and recall in order to retain all the information I've learned from Med school for the long term.

More to come. Hopefully I will try to blog more again to keep people in the know about what's going on with my life. I only blogged 12 times last year, an all-time low for me since college. I wonder if it was an all-time low in life as well...

holland lop

03.06.13
1.) Did laundry so that I can hold off until after Finals to wash my clothes
2.) Ate healthy meals/snacks, went grocery shopping, exercised (strength training)
3.) Did some practice exam questions and worked on review for classmates

Walnut waldorf

MOAR personal wellness!

02.26.13
1.) Ate a health tuna salad sandwich for lunch
2.) Did strength-training & cardio exercises
3.) Ate a healthy dinner consisting of baked chicken with kale and broccoli

02.27.13
1.) Had a healthy tuna salad sandwich consisting of avocado, greek yogurt, olive oil, parmesan, red onion, <1 bread="" cheese="" fat="" low="" mayo="" of="" on="" p="" spoon="" toasted="" tomatos="" wasabi="" wheat="">2.) Did stretching exercises
3.) Played with rabbit before going to bed

02.28.13
1.) Attended lab session and learned a lot from it!
2.) Did strength-training & cardio exercises
3.) Watched tv shows for relaxation during the week

03.01.13
1.) Slept for 8 hours the night before
2.) Attended LP, was able to perform ROS on all the patients seen today
3.) Ate a health dinner: baked chicken w/ kale, broccoli, ginger, garlic, olive oil, & herb seasoning

03.02.13
1.) Maxed out strength-training & cardio for the weekend
2.) Played with bunny rabbit
3.) Ate a healthy dinner of chicken again w/ kale and broccoli, garlic, ginger, olive oil

03.03.13
1.) Took a day off to recuperate muscles, did stretching exercises to improve flexibility
2.) Studied somewhat for the quiz, but did not compromise on sleep
3.) Ate a sweet potato for dessert

03.04.13
1.) Ate a sweet potato, cottage cheese, and chocolate milk post workout for muscles
2.) Exercised cardio & strength-training (6 sets now)
3.) Ate a healthy baked chicken, broccoli, kale dinner

03.05.13
1.) Ate a handful of walnuts for my midday snack
2.) Filled in all evaluations for LG instructor, classmates, block, along with Health Coaching form
3.) Treated myself to Wendy's for eating well during the entire week

Dame Maggie Smith

Wellness

02.20.13
1.) Ate breakfast
2.) Prepared healthy meals for lunch and dinner
3.) Finalized PI for the summer, started planning before summer's arrival

02.21.13
1.) Ate a healthy lunch and dinner
2.) Exercised tonight: 100 pushups, 100 situps, 5 holds on pbars and handstands
3.) Rescheduled visit w/ bunny lady for foster rabbit to arrive

02.22.13
1.) Only missed 1 question on the TBL- helped members to get better scores
2.) Ate lunch w/ classmates- socialized a bit during my day
3.) Ate a healthy lunch and dinner (kale, broccoli, baked chicken)

02.23.13
1.) Woke up around 10 AM- trying to get enough sleep on the weekends
2.) Ate a health tuna avocado salad sandwich for lunch
3.) Ate a healthy dinner of kale, broccoli, chicken, w/ garlic, star anise; exercised at night

02.24.13
1.) Ate my leftover chicken from Saturday to save on expenses
2.) Took a break from exercising for my body to recover
3.) Studied until 5 AM to be prepared for the test as well as LG

02.25.13
1.) Presented to my LG group basic science concepts pertaining to Parkinson's Disease
2.) Worked on my creative side by planning my piece for the art show next week
3.) Rewarded myself for being so health w/ Wendy's

Brain Hax

Brain Hax #1

Stuff I read from blogs that offer help on learning more & better:

1.) expose myself to confusing material (meaning threat: to find meaning somewhere)
2.) withhold answers from myself (for productive failure: generating ideas about nature of problems and potential solutions)
3.) test myself before learning (fertile ground: helping learn info better once I encounter it)

Wellness Pt 1

I've decided to move my wellness journal into Blogger so that I don't have to see it in gmail anymore.
The wellness journal is a part of med school's idea to find 3 things that we did well each day and to explain why.
The supposed purpose of the journal is to prevent burnout... I think? It was not explained too clearly during our longitudinal group sessions.

01.14.13

1.) Finished all of Monday's lectures on time

  Not falling behind on material

2.) Ate healthy today (salmon, cereal, milk)

  Good for my health, lose fat, get essential nutrients

3.) Responded to most urgent emails

  More prompt w/ my responses

01.15.13

1.) Got a haircut

  To look professional for LP

2.) Took care of grocery shopping for healthy foods

  To start trying the paleolithic diet & see if I feel better from it

3.) Random act of kindness: buy quinoa for friend

  Important to let people know you listen to them

01.16.13

1.) Finished errands related to EC activities (signatures, letters)

  Able to send out official letters to invite people to the retreat

2.) Scheduled meeting for summer EC program

  Wanted to do an activity outside of studying that was meaningful

3.) Ate a sweet potato

  For health benefits

01.17.13

1.) Prepared well for my FOSCE

  Usually anxious or blunder them before/during/after the fact

2.) Ate less heavy food today

  Could sleep much better, not feel as bad

3.) Prepared notes to fill in for next day's lectures, actually finished 4 of 5 lectures today, even though started around 7 PM

  Know that I can be extremely productive/effective w/ my time

01.18.13

1.) Finished all lectures/e-modules for the week

  I am usually behind on reading material

2.) Drank 3 L of H2O for the day

  I usually never drink the recommended amount of fluids

3.) Ate healthy snacks in the afternoon (carrots w/ hummus)

  Better for my health & GI tract to not eat junk food anymore

01.19.13

1.) Accidentally ate dog food today, which brought amusement to friends

  I did not know that it was meant for dogs

2.) Hiked 6 miles at Hocking Hills w/ friends

  Have not exercised in a while

3.) Cleaned dishes, did laundry

  Took care of cleaning the house after letting things sit for so long

01.20.13

1.) Purchased home gym equipment to start body weight exercises

  A start to adding exercise into my day while the weather is still bad

2.) Shopped at the grocery store for healthy food options

  Continuing the practice of eating well

3.) Studied on a Sunday

  Making my weekends more productive with regards to school work

01.21.13

1.) Finally put on that faucet cover my mom gave me over break

  To prevent the pipe from freezing, bursting, and damaging the house

2.) Packed lunch for tomorrow before going to bed

  So I can wake up later in the morning without having to prepare food

3.) Did some leisure reading before bedtime

  Better to do other activities than always concentrate on med school

01.22.13

1.) Woke up earlier than usual

  Helps me transition into becoming an early bird

2.) Ate breakfast before going to school

  Usually never eat breakfast, even though it kickstarts my metabolism

3.) Ate healthy snacks and lunch all day

  Slowly weaning myself off fast/junk food

01.23.13

1.) Got a lot of studying done during the day

  I tend to procrastinate or have trouble focusing

2.) Prepared a healthy dinner, ate a sweet potato for dessert

  Finding more options of healthy meals to eat so that I don't get bored

3.) Read some leisure books about body weight exercises

  Helps me figure out what beginner regimen to start doing for exercise

01.24.13

1.) Attended a seminar about being a future physician scientist

  Reminds me of possibilities in the future & how to plan for it

2.) Studied productively in a new location besides home

  Changing locations helps reinvigorate the studying mood

3.) Slept more than a few hours the night before the quiz

  I usually do not sleep much before a major exam, but healthier to

01.25.13

1.) I did better on my quiz than in the past

  Boost in confidence, reminder that my current studying method works

2.) Ate a healthy dinner, studied material on the same day after a quiz

  I usually take the day off after a quiz, but I wanted to stay on track

3.) I spent time with friends over lunch at a new restaurant

  Part of my list to try out all the restaurants in Columbus

01.26.13

1.) Slept over 9 hours

  Good for the body/mind to catch up on sleep, to not burn out

2.) Drank at least 12 cups of H2O throughout the day

  Got my adequate fluid intake for the day

3.) Ate salmon for dinner, prepared grocery list for shopping tomorrow

  Being more prepared for the day as well as the day after

01.27.13

1.) Shopped for groceries, healthy options like tuna, chicken

  Persisting with the healthy diet

2.) Studied 5 of 9 modules overdue from last 2 weeks

  Catching up even though I have fallen behind

3.) Did handstand pushups for exercise

  Starting doing the gymnastics exercises from my book

01.28.13

1.) Did 3 handstand pushups, worked on parallel bars

  Increasing the amount of exercise for the day

2.) Finished assignments for Monday

  Task completions are fulfilling

3.) Took out the recycling bin before the morning of pickup

  Pre-empted the bin becoming too full

01.29.13

1.) Slept for 8 hours

  Feeling well-rested after sleeping more than 6 hours

2.) Took the initiative to organize place, topic, time for next LC dinner

  Becoming a more proactive individual

3.) Upgraded to 3 handstand & parallettes, 6 seconds for each hold

  Either becoming stronger, or wanting to exercise more each day

01.30.13

1.) Sent out an email to organize the next learning community dinner

  Following through with my promises

2.) Planned out travel, lodging, food for spring break trip

  Planning for the future way in advance rather than living in moment

3.) Finished notes for lectures this week; can catch up on past lectures

  Turned this day into a productive one

01.31.13

1.) Attended an interest group meeting after a long time

  Got my mind onto something outside of medical school curriculum

2.) Took a break from healthy eating to eat a son of baconator burger

  Acknowledged that moderation is still okay

3.) Exercised: 3 handstand pushups 10s, 3 parallettes 10s, varied

  Keeping consistent with an exercise regimen

02.01.13

1.) Was able to shadow another preceptor (vitals/empanel/ROS/exam)

  Learned more about different endocrine disorders

2.) Ate a healthy dinner (chicken salad w/o mayo, pasta & tomato)

  Back on track to eating well

3.) Went to bed early (midnight)

  Tried to set earlier bedtime (early to rise) for a more productive day

02.02.13

1.) Slept 10 hours

  Extremely well-rested, not feeling as tired throughout the day

2.) Started preparing material for Step 1, read ~ 50 pages

  Initiated my study schedule for Step 1 outside of class material

3.) Exercised more: 5 handstands, 5 holds on pbars (10s per hold)

  Keeping to my exercise schedule, feeling a little fitter

02.03.13

1.) Slept 10 hours

  Resting well at night; trying to figure out ways to fall asleep faster

2.) Did laundry so do not have to the weekend before midterm

  Predicting time needed to study & taking care of errands in advance

3.) Went grocery shopping

  Helped to prepare house with food in advance to focus on studies

02.04.13

1.) Slept 8 hours, redesigned study schedule to cater to healthy habits

  Helped focus work at home to cater to diet & exercise

2.) Added spinach to the tomato sauce in my pasta to make it healthier

  Felt that I was lacking enough vegetables in my diet

3.) I socialized w/ my neighbor about shoes and cervical laminectomy

  Becoming familiar with neighbors & my neighborhood

02.05.13

1.) I started studying lectures on top of anatomy for the midterm

  Usually study them separately, which made the material confusing

2.) I ate a healthy lunch and dinner w/ sweet potato for dessert

  Healthy diets make for healthy minds

3.) Added pushups, situps, and stretching before my exercise regimen

  Wanted to increase flexibility along with strength

02.06.13

1.) Volunteered to pick up the van for driving around interviewees

  Becoming a proactive individual, dependable when in need

2.) E-mailed faculty member for summer rotation, set up appointment

  Planning future in advance, securing a position in the lab

3.) Purchased toys & pellets/hay to prepare for foster rabbit's arrival

  Found a new calling/volunteer activity

02.07.13

1.) Woke up early, started studying material before noon, ate breakfast

  Starting work earlier in the day helps to finish work earlier as well

2.) Attended dinner to meet w/ interviewees

  Being a proactive member of the medical school

3.) Got some studying in after dinner even though full & tired

  Tend to just have a relaxing night after draining conversations

02.08.13

1.) Had an engaging meeting w/ a potential summer rotation PI

  Interests coincided w/ his lab, & hoped I would get along w/ the lab

2.) Walked a long distance to pick up the rental van for interviewees

  Added some cardio exercise to my day

3.) Spent dinner talking to interviewees, getting to know a few

  Socialized w/ people even though I am an introvert

02.09.13

1.) Had breakfast w/ the interviewees, drove 5 back to the hotel

  Started my day early, so that I could get to work early

2.) Exercised more, doing bodyweight exercises

  Continuing my exercise plan, sticking to a routine

3.) Slept early

  Wanting to wake up earlier so that I can start work earlier in the day

02.10.13

1.) Finished studying most neuro material regarding vestibulocochlear

  Catching up on material even though fell behind during the week

2.) Kept in touch w/ an old friend from college by texting

  Good to maintain a close group of friends throughout life

3.) Slept a few hours before the midterm even though I wanted to study

  Sleeping always helps me perform better even though i don't think it

02.11.13

1.) Studied as much as possible for the midterm

  Felt that even though I did not study everything, I studied effectively

2.) Ate a healthy dinner, & then washed all dishes in the sink

  Took care of errands around the house

3.) Performed body-weight exercises (handstands, pbars, cartwheels)

  Resumed exercise after a few days off studying for midterm

02.12.13

1.) Got my team together to write up the final draft of the CHE paper

  Had a task that needed to be finished; was proactive about it

2.) Worked on ideas for organizing the joint retreat this summer

  Even though months away, good to prepare to plan for the worst

3.) Went to bed by 11 PM

  Sleeping earlier and earlier each night, though falling asleep difficult

02.13.13

1.) Slept for 8 hours

  Discovering that some time around 8 hours is ideal for me

2.) Polished the final version of group's CHE draft before submission

  Wanted to turn in a quality piece of work since paper is for a grade

3.) Accepted a Vday dinner date at Whitecastle Burger?!

  I tend to shun holidays- maybe spending it w/ someone would be fun

02.14.13

1.) Ate a healthy breakfast & lunch to make up for dinner

  Wanted to offset the heavy meal I would encounter later in the day

2.) Caught up on most material for this week

  Keeping myself to some studying each day to stay on track

3.) Spent VDay @ Whitecastle w/ somebody else's gf

  Break from healthy food to indulge in chicken rings

02.15.13

1.) Started working on the mental health fellowship

  Troubleshoot any initial issues with continuing the fellowship

2.) Was able to take a Hx and give an oral presentation at LP

  Practiced basic skills of patient interviewing

3.) Did some body-weight exercises after 2 nights of fast food

  Helped me feel better after eating such unhealthy food

02.16.13

1.) Did laundry; ate Irish steel-cut oatmeal for breakfast

  Usually eat cereals, which are healthy but still high in sugar

2.) Sent out e-mails for summer rotation; replied to MD candidate

  Taking care of business

3.) Met w/ friend to find a bike, try an ethnic place, watch movie

  Doing fun things on a Saturday (atypical of me)

02.17.13

1.) E-mailed prof to finalize summer rotation; set up LC dinner

  Following through on commitments

2.) Ate oatmeal w/ honey in the morning

  Eating a healthier alternative for breakfast

3.) Bought art supplies to use for contest

  Keeping with my intentions to do something, following through

02.18.13

1.) Ate breakfast this morning, ate lunch in under 30"

  Keeping consistent w/ morning meal, eating efficiently, saving time

2.) Brought chocolate to LG for classmates

  Feed everybody during the afternoon, get rid of sugar from my house

3.) Submitted my application to Medicine & the Arts

  Ensuring my commitment to finish an art project by a deadline

02.19.13

1.) Vacuumed the house, cleaned the bathroom for rabbit's arrival

  The house has not been cleaned since my parents' visit

2.) Ate cereal for breakfast

  Bought shredded wheat, a healthier option to eat

3.) Sent an email to a PI for my summer research rotation

  Offered plans to get ahead, arranged to follow up on later meetings

olecranon fossa

Remember Drab?

I haven't thought about him in forever. Until last night.

What # is it now?

I was walking by and noticed that Drab was laying supine on the ground for no apparent reason at all.

I knelt above his head, placed my hands down on the ground for support, and then touched my forehead to his, maintaining that position for what felt like there would be no end.

bigorexia

The weather hasn't been too bad down here in SoCal. Somewhat hot during the day, but windy and cloudy enough to keep cool. At first I thought that I would need to take 2 showers per day because of the excessive sweating, but 1 just may be enough.

Day 1 of not having to work for the Lim lab anymore. It has been relaxing and quite possibly therapeutic, but I do feel unproductive if I am not working. Maybe I still haven't gotten rid of my workaholic nature. My plans for the next 2 weeks involve spending time on myself, reflecting on what I could improve about my work ethic and my priorities.

Other thoughts running through my mind during the day revolve around lab and if I really miss anybody from there, especially my PI. Considering the way things ended, I think not.

My day is too preoccupied with fulfilling some requirements of the medical school before I matriculate in the fall. Updating vaccinations, getting a physical exam, taking online courses involving patient privacy, reserving spots for the white coat ceremony.

New life, new goals. I'll start trying to be productive by reading the 1st paper by my new rotation PI.

Naughty bits

9th dream about R&D.

Something was going on. My brother chased me to my room, but I didn't have any clothes on yet. I was attempting to put on underwear and a t-shirt, but suddenly my brother surprised me. Then I covered my naughty bits with my clothes, trying to shoo him out while maintaining some sense of dignity.

Finding myself alone in a bedroom, or so I thought, I sat down and noticed R&D in a position where he was on his knees and hands, hiding behind the bed, wearing just swim trunks and no shirt. Telling him to get out, he refused, so I started wrestling him, hands interlocking, and I overpowered him so that I was right on top.

THAT was awkward, being so close and uncomfortably laying on top of him. Eventually, he put on some type of shirt that left his back exposed, and he asked me to tie something. I looked at what was going on, and he had forgotten to take the tag off, so I teased him about that, until I examined the tag even further. Upon closer inspection, there were words written on the label: "Girl's top." I immediately burst out laughing and told him that what he purchased, and THOUGHT was stylish, was instead a garment of women's clothing. His facial reaction showed some slight embarrassment as he turned his head away in shame, with a slight grin emerging from the side of his mouth.

His birthday IS coming up- maybe that's what I should buy him.

jiro ono

Hunger Games Movie: C+

Jiro Dreams of Sushi: B+/A-

"I am tough on you… it's only because I see- I've always seen how insanely talented you are. I want you to be as successful as you can be, and you will be." ~Glee What have I been writing from so long ago? I remember liking the message behind the 2nd movie, and not liking the film adaptation of the 1st. 47 days left until I leave this lab. I've made a decision on which school I am planning to attend this summer. It's the best choice for me. Now I have to tell my PI, or else he'll get into a weird hissy fit again. Mant was trying to explain to me last night how he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings, so he just takes it out on me. We talked a lot last night. Mostly about people, partly about ourselves and trying to become better people. It's one of the nicer dinners I've had alone w/ Mant. Although she still does owe me a night where she's supposed to cook dinner for me. That's ok- I forgive her because she's helping to plan a dinner at Ad Hoc before I leave. She also wanted the group to go to a karaoke bar at some point, for old times' sake. Ok, no more time left, have to cell culture, finish immunostaining, and then go home to write. It's too hot inside lab.

doublecross

Dream: driving w/ Yoshi, Klean, wheelchair lady.
Yoshi was in the driver's seat, with Klean in the passenger side. We drove to some diner, where I was sitting across from the wheelchair lady. This lady always frequents the many workshops, seminars, and journal clubs that the Stem Cell department hosts. For a while, the police scared her away, but alas she has reared her ugly head again in last week's journal club. I wonder why the security on campus can't get her to leave. That's the one advantage of being an old fragile lady pushing around a wheelchair everywhere- it presses on people's sympathy button, so they can't help saying no to her.

Expired chocolate milk.
Has just as bad of a reaction as drinking expired regular milk! I made the mistake of thinking chocolate milk wouldn't go bad as quickly as whole milk. It didn't look like it had swirls when I looked through the opening of the carton. So wrong.

R&D.
He's seems different as of late. So much more polite with the "Thank you" and the "Sorry." I think I tried to tell him Friday night that even though he's joking about being confident/arrogant, if you joke long enough, people will start to believe you possess that quality (character flaw). Oh right... this was in response to several humble comments he made throughout the night as I waited for him to finish his qPCR plate so that I could help him learn how to run the machine. What's the problem with this? That I find it more difficult to hate him when he acts like this; he might even be likable to a degree. A very minuscule degree.

Tonight, I went back to lab to pick up my backpack while also taking care of some lab purchases. He came in again after his run, wearing that awful lime green shirt of his. It is Saint Patrick's Day, and he is half Irish, so I asked him if he were planning to go out and have fun tonight. Besides, he mentioned yesterday that every year he's always had something that prevented him from enjoying this "holiday." This year, it was work- he volunteered to sub for Mant since she was leaving for Hawaii. By volunteer, I meant I moved him up on the lab presentation schedule while pushing Mant down. So it was partially my responsibility that he's had to perform more work this week to collect some data for his lab meeting. It'll probably end up being a good thing, since he's found something interesting with his data.

Oh whoops digression. I asked him if he were going out tonight to try to celebrate some part of St. Patty's Day. He said," Yeah," but with little excitement in his voice. He seemed reluctant in going out, because he was so tired. He told me that he usually would be excited about going out, so long as he was not exhausted to the point where he couldn't enjoy himself. I wonder if he were doing it just to be nice to his friend, our other lab mate, so that he wouldn't attend a party alone. From my perspective, I don't think he's enjoyed any of the parties he's attended in the past month. Why does he keep going if he isn't having fun?

Is that what being a friend is? Doing things that you don't want to do, so that someone else can be happy? I don't know if I like the sound of that... to me, being a friend would be telling him that a particular jacket of his is too small for him because it makes him look bottom-heavy.

Ugh, I stayed in lab until midnight helping him out. He was getting angry at some point because his plate was stuck to the cooling block. This isn't the first time that I've stayed in lab late just to help him, even though I learn more about him at those odd hours for some reason. Maybe I just want to figure out who he really is before I leave. Maybe that's it. He doesn't like to talk much about his private life; maybe he prefers it that way. But he's at least told me some things about his family and his childhood. Maybe that's enough.

Blegh, it's late. Time to stop writing.

greek yoghurt

8th dream about R&D.

Didn't happen today, but occurred a while back. I was too embarrassed to write about it.

Basically, the premise was that he approached me, inching closer and closer.

I stood there, paralyzed, just waiting and hoping he wouldn't be doing what I thought he would try to do.

He kissed me. Worst part was that I didn't do anything to pull away.

BLEGH!

polyphagia

I keep watching all these TV shows, and they seem to be speaking to me.

Speaking to me, telling me to speak to them.

First there was Grey's Anatomy, where Christina Yang asks Owen Hunt not to be angry at her anymore, and they stand there together.

Then there's 30 Rock, where Liz Lemon acknowledges that she needs to be the bigger person after realizing that she is ruining her own relationships with people.

"I let little things ruin stuff." OH Liz Lemon.

Well, even though I'm arriving at this conclusion, it dawns on me that the other party probably isn't thinking at all about what they did wrong, that they're probably just laughing it up somewhere without a care in the world about anything but themselves. Have they learned anything at all???

Then again, they have been making several, but rare, attempts to try to talk to me again. One is still nosing through all my letters, and looking at my computer screen, so that must mean that they care to some extent, right?

In other news, Kaiser has inspired me to fly, first to Houston, then the world! Where should I go? My interests are currently South America, Europe, and Asia, but to where in these continents should I travel?